Card Carrying Lesbian … What’s in your wallet?

Confessions of a Pillow Princess

Posted on 04. Mar, 2009 by Sasha.

I was having one of those uncomfortable conversations late one night in bed with my girlfriend. It went something like this:

“It’s been two days.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I’m just really tired.”

“That’s what you said last night and the night before.”

“I know, I’m sorry!”

“Stop saying sorry! I just want to know what’s wrong.”

Dead silence for a few minutes. Reruns of Ghosthunters playing in the background. Then for no good reason I can think of, out of the blue I follow up with, “You want to know what I miss about having sex with a man?”

Really? What the hell is wrong with me!?

“What?” was the only thing Remi could say but I could already see that I should have kept that part to myself.

Not to mention that I don’t actually miss having sex with men, but in my convoluted thinking I thought to myself, “This will be a good ice-breaker into why I haven’t been in the mood lately!” …. *dunce cap please* …. just point me to the nearest corner.

So what was my brilliant reason for missing sex with men?! [...]

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Butch/Femme relationships versus lesbian relationships

Posted on 24. Aug, 2008 by Sasha.

Now before you go and bite my head off yelling at me that butch/femme relationships are lesbian relationships let me tell you that I am well aware of that fact.

Having been involved in a butch/femme dynamic I am still wheeling from the stark differences between what it’s like to date a butch and what it’s like to simply date a self-identified lesbian.

I couldn’t help but notice all the similarities between a straight relationship and a butch/femme relationship. The pseudo gender roles of the fifties were strictly enforced under the guise of chivalry and these roles extended well into the bedroom. As the femme, I was supposed to know my place and in my place I wasn’t supposed to be able to open a jar of peanut butter or touch my lover anywhere other than where she said. Which by the way, was basically no where except to grab her hair when screaming her name or to lie in her arms afterwards.

Don’t get me wrong. I love butch women. I absolutely adore them! But in some ways, while dating them, I feel a bit cheated out of being a lesbian. I don’t get to please her, touch her, kiss her when I want to or buy her dinner once in a while. There are plenty of wonderful things that come along with dating butch girls. Men of today should take lessons from our butch sisters in how to treat a woman. There’s just something about having doors opened for you and generally being taken care of that gives me a warm, ummm ….. nice feeling if you get my drift. But in exchange for that, there is a price. To me that price was falling into a box where my role was “femme” and her role was “butch” and anything that threatened that delicate balance was grounds for a fight.

It’s been a while since I dated a woman that let me touch her, kiss her and walk her to her door. I forgot how nice it is to feel a woman, to taste her. I forgot how good it feels to make a girl weak in the knees when I kiss her neck or touch her just so. I recently started dating a girl that lets me kiss her goodnight and pay for a round of drinks. When I look at her body I’m reminded of how unbelievably gay I am and how glad I am that she’s okay with that! There aren’t any rules on who’s allowed to do what and when. We’re equal and both fully capable of taking care of ourselves and each other. So we sort of take turns being the dominant one or the girly one.

Granted, I think I’m still the femme in this situation. She’s a little more tomboi than I am and I like that. But when it comes down to it, I get to be a lesbian again and not a 1950’s housewife.

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a femme in the streets but a butch in the sheets

Posted on 29. May, 2008 by Sasha.

I would say that I am a femme/top. Whoa. What? Is that possible? Hell yea it’s possible. Normally this is not a problem, especially when two femmes are dating. I mean, someone’s got to bring the strap-on! Or even sans strap-on, someone’s got to be the aggressor. That person is usually me. Or at least it used to be.

Apparently butch women are not big fans of aggressive femmes wielding dildos and handcuffs. Hahaha …. But seriously, I’ve been thinking about this. What’s an aggressive femme to do when she’s dating a butch who has some pretty strict rules on how the game is played in and outside of the bedroom?

Sure, I love being treated like I’m the only girl on the date. It’s wonderful having someone open the car door for you, court you like you’re in an old movie, be chivalrous and all that good stuff that comes with dating butch women. I love it.

But … and there’s always a but: I’m not what they call a high femme. A high femme for those of you who don’t know, is a woman who is so feminine she may even identify as straight, because all her relationships follow usual gender roles. She plays the woman and gets fucked but never fucks. While her partner will always be a stone butch who fucks her brains out, but will never disrobe or allow herself to be fucked by her girlfriend. So while this may be confusing to some, others will know what I’m talking about.

While I may be classified under the femme label, I am in no way a high femme. I like to be the aggressor sometimes, or more than sometimes if I’m telling the truth. But when dating butch women, I can’t be. So I find myself in a dilemma: How to reconcile the more aggressive parts of my personality with my desire to date butch women?

I don’t want to change who I am for anyone else and I won’t. Nor do I want to restrict who I date to femmes who appreciate my ability to take control of a situation. Because truth be told, other femmes just don’t catch my eye lately.

While I am more than happy to play the submissive role (strictly in the bedroom) once in a while, I still want to be able to be myself and switch it up sometimes. But I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, so I don’t.

Hence I find that being a femme/top with switch-hitter capabilities isn’t as easy as it sounds.

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Femme vs. Butch …. shouldn’t it be Butch + Femme?

Posted on 08. May, 2008 by Sasha.

What I’ve noticed when I talk to most lesbians is that they have a strong opinion on butch women. Maybe it’s just because we’re in LA, where the cultural idea of femininity is not only abundant, it’s extreme. If you doubt what I’m saying just look around at all the silicone walking around on two toothpicks and you’ll see my point.

But as lesbian women shouldn’t we be able to see beyond the standards that pop culture sets out for us? Shouldn’t we be able to define and than embody whatever ideal we see fit for our lives and if we wish to say that it fits under the umbrella of femininity, than so be it. Who’s to say otherwise?

Until recently all of the women that I’ve dated have been very typical “lipstick femme” as far as appearance goes. But as I continue to learn about myself , who I want to be and in turn who I want to be with, I’ve noticed myself noticing a lot more women who didn’t really fit into the “femme” category. They were more tombois, sporty, butch.

What surprised me wasn’t that I was attracted to them, it was some of my friends comments about it. No one said anything overtly critical but it was the way they said it, “You like butch women?”

Their reaction was always strong enough that I’m ashamed to say the first few times this happened I didn’t stand up for myself. But instead shrank back, afraid that my preferences might get me ousted from the inner circle. I found myself back peddling, “Um …. no … I don’t know …. well … um …. I mean, she’s not really butch, she’s sporty.” Looking at my friends faces for their approval or disapproval at my obvious digression from the groups norm I was relieved when they would just drop it and move on.

But the more I think about it and the more women I meet, I realize that yes, I am attracted to women that others may classify as butch. I still find certain femmes attractive but I take each person on an individual basis.

Armed with this recent self-realization I spoke to one of my closest friends about it. To my surprise and relief she was completely supportive and not the least bit judgmental. Which leads me to wonder if I overreacted to my friends earlier comments. Maybe what I perceived as judgment and disapproval was simply surprise for my breaking from routine.

So while I may have underestimated my friends and their ability to accept others. I stand by my earlier statement that overall there seems to be a bit of stigma, or prejudice against the butch identity from a lot of femmes here in LA. I’m working on a theory about it and so far all I have is this: I think that a lot of femmes have preconceived ideas about butch women and there’s a lot they don’t understand.

I also think that there’s a lot those girls may be missing by overlooking our strong, butch counterparts. Don’t get me wrong, taste is just about as individual as it gets. I’m all for going for whatever rocks your boat and if that happens to be two femmes rowing than cool beans. But there’s also something to be said for reaching outside of your comfort zone and seeing what happens. Exciting things have been known to happen out there.

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Do you choose the femme identity or does it choose you?

Posted on 03. May, 2008 by Sasha.

I was looking on Amazon for a book about the butch/femme dynamic and I saw a book called “Brazen Femme: Queering Femininity” and I was struck by something a reviewer wrote. What she said that caught my attention was:

“My femme friends who are also in their 30’s and I have discussed whether or not we are just jealous of femmes who are coming out now, as queer and femme all at once, whereas we mostly came out as queer and learned about femme later” (Melissa K. Heckman)

Before I even realized how gay I was, the few lesbian friends I did have had already classified me as a lipstick femme. So for me, coming out as a lesbian was simultaneous to coming out as a femme. But something about that label didn’t feel that accurate to me. Sure I wear lipstick and high heels. But I also fight train, love guns and take a total of 15 minutes or less to get ready for a night out.

To me, “Lipstick Femme” sounds like a high maintenance, girly girl who loves shopping and squeals at the sight of spiders. That is not me. I hate shopping unless it’s online or for ammo. I’m not afraid of spiders and I’m not the least bit high maintenance … despite what my ex’s may say.

I happen to be talking to a butch woman right now and while she does have some feminine traits, she’s definitely butch. In comparison to her I totally feel like I get pushed into the lipstick femme category. Not that she pushes me, it just sort of happens.

Lesbian relationships tend to be very fluid. My so called “role” will vary from girl to girl. If I date a femme who’s more femme than I am, than I tend to take the masculine role on instinctually. Which I’m not always comfortable with. But when dating a butch I find myself falling back to pre-feminist days and blushing when she wants to fight for my honor.

So my question is this: Do you choose your label or do others choose it for you? Fight as we may against labels and categories, you can’t deny that sometimes you find yourself using them, if as nothing more than convenient adjectives.

I’m of the opinion that while we may not be able to control how others label us, we can control how we define it for ourselves. So for me, at this moment in time? I’ll define a lipstick femme as a woman who is secure in her feminine sexuality, enjoys all the finer things in life but can still get down and dirty when she needs to … or wants to.

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