Card Carrying Lesbian … What’s in your wallet?

Lana a.k.a Lesbian Bait

Posted on 02. Mar, 2010 by Sasha.

The other night we went out to Girl Bar, with Lana in tow. I had assured Lana several times, that she would not be mauled, attacked or hit on. I mean after all, it’s a lesbian bar and while it is a bar, we are still women. Which in my experience has meant that in general, women are usually pretty shy and don’t hit on each other without some serious body language giving the green light. And not even then most of the time!

All too often lesbian clubs remind me of those horrible 6th grade dances when all the boys would stand on one side of the gym and all the girls would line up on the opposite wall, waiting, hoping and wishing that that cute little boy that was 6 inches shorter then them would have the nerve to come over and ask them to dance.

So after multiple assurances on my part, that Lana would not be molested on her first night at a dyke bar, the ladies of West Hollywood quickly took up the challenge to make a liar out of me.

We hadn’t been there ten minutes before a girl walks up to our group, circles around, gives Lana an up and down appraisal, literally shakes her head yes, as if to say, “Yep, that’ll do!” and walked over to our group of five. I mean really, how often does a woman have the guts to approach an entire group of females just to get at one in the center?

She leaned in and yelled over the blaring music, “My friend is having a party right down the street and told me to come and find some hot women to bring over.”

We smiled, said thank you and maybe. Laughing hysterically that Lana had just been cruised mere moments after sitting down.

This type of thing happened through out the night. It was actually pretty funny watching the women circle around Lana like sharks circle fresh chum.

But nothing would make my night like what ended up happening out on the dance floor. Apparently, Lana is irresistible to older, shorter lesbians. Well, one in particular. Before we knew it, she was being man-handled by a very pushy woman.

Seeing my friend in distress I did what any good friend does, I threw my girlfriend in between them, confident that the interloper would take a hint. [...]

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Two Lesbians Walk into the VA ….

Posted on 16. Feb, 2009 by Sasha.

Going to the Long Beach VA with my Marine girlfriend is always an experience within itself. The other day, she had to go in to get her wrist checked. Apparently, dating me may give her carpal tunnel syndrome or worse.

As soon as we step foot on VA soil, we go into “act straight mode” … no hand holding, no kissing, NO TOUCHING whatsoever. I tell myself that it’s the same thing as if I were going with my straight best friend (if I had one, but she’s long gone because she was a backstabbing bitch). I tell myself that people probably just assume I’m her best friend, totally platonic … uh huh … no hot lesbian action happening here! No sir.

But apparently we stand out over there. Either we look extremely gay or [...]

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Armed Lesbians

Posted on 18. Jan, 2009 by Sasha.

I’ve noticed an alarming trend among Southern California Lesbians. An aversion to guns or weapons of almost any kind. Which goes along with their mostly liberal politics. Don’t get me wrong, I’m as liberal as any dyke you’ll ever meet when it comes to keeping politics and religion out of my bedroom. But I have a very “conservative” view on the current gun laws.

I don’t want to get on a rant here, but you can google it yourself. Whenever a city has in-acted particularly strict gun laws, taking guns out of the hands of law abiding citizens, surprise surprise, violent crime rates sky rocket. Wait. What? No body told all the criminals that it was now against the law to be a criminal? Shame on them. Nope, instead strict gun laws act as an open invitation to violent criminals who are now assured of unarmed, defenseless victims, thanks to our current gun laws (i.e., L.A. County)

What does this all have to do with being a lesbian? A lot. When my girlfriend and I go out and dare to hold hands in a suburb of Los Angeles that maybe isn’t as progressive as West Hollywood or Long Beach, we are stared to an extent that is more then uncomfortable at times.

We have had men yell at us, “Look at the lesbians!”, “What are you? A fucking dyke?”, among other things. [...]

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Why don’t femmes pay?

Posted on 14. Jan, 2009 by Sasha.

Why don’t femmes pay?

When we were up in Oregon on our road trip to visit Remi’s family, we stopped by her sister’s work. It’s a pretty small town and I’m pretty sure we were the only lesbian couple walking around town holding hands. After we left, her sister was swarmed by the people in her office. One girl got up the nerve to ask what everyone else was wondering, “When your sister and her ‘friend’ go out, who pays?”

Hahahaha …… that was the biggest question? Not, “Is your sister gay?” Because apparently that’s obvious. But who pays was the question of the day. To which her sister answered, “Ummm …. I think my sister pays.”

Which brings me to the topic of todays blog, well actually, it’s a few things.

1. How come when we go out to eat, the waiter ALWAYS puts the bill in front of Remi.

2. Why do people automatically assume that she pays for everything and that I never pay for anything?

3. But more then that, why is that the case? Why does she insist on paying and why do most femme’s expect that their date picks up the bill? [...]

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Lesbians and Fight Gyms

Posted on 03. Oct, 2008 by Sasha.

Okee dokee … as we all know I’m a dyke and I do dykey things. I like guns, I like cars, I like to wear OD green too much and I have several pairs of “official lesbian shorts” aka plaid and or cargo shorts that are too long for a straight girl to ever be caught dead in. But perhaps the dykiest thing I do on a regular basis is go to a fight gym where I train in mixed martial arts.

I would think that if there was going to be a gym full of lesbians, it would be at a fight gym. But no. From what I can tell there’s only two and half of us. Myself, another girl who’s actually so good she’s gone pro now and a third girl that I’m pretty damn sure is family but I haven’t been able to get it out of her yet.

But everything about her sets off my gaydar from her board shorts to her multiple tattoos to the way she talks. But if she’s not ready to come out of the supply closet who am I to push?

Oh wait, there’s one more. My friend Nica who’s bi. But she’s not even totally on our team! We have to share her with the boys. Ugh.

Back to my original question. Is it just me or shouldn’t there be more lesbians at my gym? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about all the pretty straight girls running around all hot and sweaty. But it would just be nice to see our superior athletic ability at all things manly better showcased.

I say that if there’s any sport that lesbians would dominate, it would be MMA. Forget golf, my friends. That’s so ‘07 and Dinah Shore only happens once a year. But kicking ass never goes out of style.

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Where Old Lesbians Go To Die

Posted on 01. Jun, 2008 by Sasha.

It can be depressing being a lesbian. Wait, not just depressing but down right discouraging. I could go on and on about how there aren’t enough single, attractive lesbians running around but boo fucking hoo. Who hasn’t heard that a million times?

I’ve been feeling especially energetic lately (my euphemism for something a bit more tawdry) so I’ve been going out a lot lately. Tonight however was Sunday night. Not the best night to go trolling for a piece of pie. Yes I said trolling and yes I called it pie. But out of sheer boredom and the inability to stay in my house a moment longer I took off to this little hole in the wall dyke bar, Broadway. Or as Maggie referred  to it, “Broadway is where old lesbians go to die.” Well this was my first time there and as usual, Maggie was uncomfortably correct.

I parked down the street so that I could casually stroll by and check it out. As I approached I saw two women smoking outside. They obviously saw me right away and started whispering to one another. Getting a high school flash back I acted like I wasn’t going there and veered left to the coffee shop across the street. But after a quick perusal of the goods the Library had to offer, I made a quick u-turn and headed back to Broadway.

Once I made my way through what was now about six intoxicated and smoking lesbians acting as impromptu gate keepers I meandered inside to see what this joint had to offer.

What it had to offer was a pool table where a gay man and a sunburned butch woman were playing. A tiny bar with a mix of straight-looking-truck-driver-type-old-men and even older truck-driver looking women. Oh and there was a tranny making out with a man who I am not entirely sure realized he was kissing another man. I didn’t even make it halfway down the bar when my tight turning radius came in handy and I made another U-eey and got the hell out of there.

On my way out a spotted a cute femme smoking on the side of the bar. I smiled at her but kept walking. She was cute but no fireworks. The fact that I didn’t feel the urge to even look back over my shoulder told me it wasn’t worth it.

I sat in my car a few moments looking at the dead streets of Long Beach and wishing I hadn’t wasted my gas on the drive to the graveyard. So I headed home, lady blue balls and all and waiting on my myspace page is a comment from Maggie that read: “Let me know what you uncover at the graveyard, also known as Broadway.” …. Um, yea. That about sums it up.

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Is it just me or is everyone gay?

Posted on 30. May, 2008 by Sasha.

I used to lament about the lack of lesbians, or more accurately, my lack of gaydar which made it seem as if there were only six lesbians in the South Bay and I already knew them. But lately everywhere I go I’m noticing more and more gay girls.

It could be that it’s so trendy to be bi or gay, that a lot more women are just embracing the freedom to flirt with one another. Not to say that most of them would ever follow through but a little harmless flirting with a MILF at the gym never hurt anyone’s ego.

But I recently found myself at the Sheriff’s department (no fault of my own, I was simply defending myself) and before I left a lovely lady Sheriff slipped me her card with her cell phone, home phone and email on the back. Ummmmm ….. I may be wrong but she was setting off my gaydar so loudly I thought I’d go deaf!

Then earlier today I was in 7-11 and my favorite dykey clerk gave me a free lottery ticket and winked at me!!! WTF??? Seriously. Maybe it’s the heat, it brings all the lesbians out from under wherever we’ve been hiding, to show off our plaid cargo shorts and wife beaters.

It occurs to me as I’m writing this that maybe it’s not that everyone’s gay all of a sudden. But maybe I’m finally putting off the come-hither-I’m a lesbian-vibe … God I hope so.
Either way it seems that this summer is off to a fabulous start!

Pssst … I see gay girls.

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Straight Girls “Going Gay” … Bleh.

Posted on 23. May, 2008 by Sasha.

Earlier today I was shopping at Targay when my friend Amber sent me a text that read: I have something for you to blog about! When she’s right she’s right … and this is the topic that was on her mind.

We all know one, or ten … a straight chick that loudly proclaims she’ll just “go gay” when she’s finally tired of being treated like crap by men. I don’t know about you, but that sounds like an insult to me. Why on earth would I want every other man’s sloppy seconds or a woman that thinks I’m her last resort?

Granted, there are lots of women that started off dating men thanks to social norms and just the plain old coming out process. But when an obvious, died in the wool straight girl claims she’ll turn into a lesbian as a last resort is really just saying one of several things:

1. “I’m such a huge whore, I’m bound to run out of men soon. So when that day comes I guess I’ll have to move on to women.”

2. “Someday I’m going to grow a backbone and not want to be treated like a second class citizen but not today.”

3. “I’m never really going to go gay, but if you get me drunk enough I’ll probably sleep with you.”

I’m in agreement with Amber that it’s just plain silly for straight chicks to threaten to go gay. Who are they trying to scare? Their boyfriends? Who after hearing that empty promise are already lost in a daydream that involves two women and their sorry asses.

Or are they trying to scare us? “If some man doesn’t hurry up and marry me, I’ll be your problem soon!” Boo on that. The men can keep them.

Or are they giving themselves a gut check? Maybe saying it out loud lets them pretend that they’re dipping their toes in the lesbian wading pool, without any real consequences either way. Their straight girl version of playing chicken with a lesbian.

Well, either way I have this to say to any heterosexual woman who uses the possibility of “going gay” as nothing more than a lack luster attempt at shock value: Quit it. It’s old and played out, just like you. I don’t want your skanky ass that’s slept with more men than you can count. I don’t want to be your experiment, the spice in your dull marriage or your first girl-on-girl experience. Let the men deal with you because I’ve got plenty of dyke drama on my own without having to worry about angry boyfriends. So good luck to you and your pseudo-sexual confusion.

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If you want a best friend, pick a lesbian.

Posted on 14. May, 2008 by Sasha.

Tonight at our weekly “club” meeting I was immersed in a deep conversation with my girlfriends about why lesbians seem to be able to form closer, more truthful friendships with one another than our straight counterparts.

To avoid the inevitable repercussions of accidentally misquoting any of my friends I will stick strictly to my own opinions in this blog. This is actually a topic I’ve revolved over in my head more than a few times. I thought it was interesting that my friends had also had similar musings. So from my own stand point this is what I have to say on the subject.

Lesbians seem to be able to be better friends to each other than your average group of straight females because we aren’t driven by the same biological urges that some would argue, unconsciously drive most people. A straight woman, for all intent and purposes has a biological urge to procreate. Following this argument this would mean that she is looking for the best mate that meets a specific criteria. Back in the day this was slightly different than current day situations dictate.

A woman would want to find a man with good genes that would be most likely to result in viable offspring, capable of surviving the harsh environment it would be born into. But considering today, most children are born into a life of air conditioning and X box, the criteria for a mate has adjusted. So now, instead of the biggest, strongest male, many women are looking for the biggest wallet. In a day and age where money is power, the size of a man’s wallet has become more important than the size of his muscle. … um … his biceps.

So it goes to follow that straight women are in constant competition with one another for the attention of the male species.

But if you take men out of the equation, women are left with a sort of Amazonian society existing within and slightly sub rosa along side main stream, straight society. Now within lesbian culture all the normal roles are still being filled … but by women. Now it’s not about competing with each other for the best sperm donor or biggest alimony check. It’s about each of us becoming completely independent women.

It becomes a totally different game when you don’t have the idea of Prince Charming to fall back on. It’s totally all about you and what you bring to the table. It’s not about who you marry or what pre-school you get your kids into. It’s about you making your mark on this world. Then it’s about the woman on your arm or in your bed. But that’s secondary to paying your bills. Because there isn’t some man to lean on. It’s all on you and what you can achieve this time around.

I can’t speak for any one else. But I can say this: I have found a group of girlfriends that push each to be better and do better in every aspect of our lives. There is no such thing as backstabbing or competition among us. Well … maybe a little competition but only in the healthiest way possible. By that I mean when you see all your friends kicking ass in their chosen career paths, it motivates you to break out of old limiting patterns and do whatever you have to do to make sure you’re worthy of their time and friendship. So in that way, the competitive spirit that seems to part of the female DNA works to our advantage.

Some of you might ask about dating. Well that’s pretty easy in our group. We don’t have the same taste in women, AT ALL. Which is ironic since on the surface, we all resemble each other in a lot of ways.

But in a more general way I think that lesbian women can form a closer friendship with each other regardless of who they’re attracted too, because of the way we automatically relate to other women.

When a straight chick sees or meets another woman, she gets her feathers up right away. Comparing herself to the other girl from head to toe. Everything from what her shoes cost to how much she weighs. So even if both girls end up being nice and maybe even friends, that initial contact was filled with passive aggression and a competitive spirit.

But when a gay girl sees another girl the first thought isn’t. “How do I measure up to her?” it’s more like, “Do I want to fuck her?” … So you see, the initial contact between a gay girl and any other woman, gay or straight is more like a man and a woman meeting. Less competition, more flirting. Even if there’s zero physical attraction, as a gay woman I always look at any girl I meet as a possible conquest. So of course I’m going to be a little nicer until I decide what I want to do with her.

To sum it up I think that lesbians relate to other women so fundamentally different than straight women, that we area able to form amazing friendships that anyone on the outside looking in can hardly fathom. Huh … lucky me … and maybe lucky you.

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Amazons: The OG Lesbian

Posted on 07. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

I remember my first time in a lesbian bar. It was Girl Bar in West Hollywood and I went alone, not quite sure of what to expect. When I got there I was struck by the fact that what I was witnessing was nothing short of an anthropological discovery. The music pounded and the whole club pulsed in rhythm with it. Women moving as one in a primal unison of sweat and lust. I looked around and took note of all the different types of women I saw. Glamorous femmes, sexy tombois, confident butches and a hundred degrees in between. My mind recalled stories I’d read about Amazons. A society ruled by women where the only purpose men served was for breeding. Even then, the boy children would be given back to the fathers and only the girl babies were kept and raised to carry on the Amazon tradition.

As I surveyed the scene that unfolded before me, I started comparing what I saw with the world outside these four walls. For every role and position men held in everyday life, there was a woman here that filled that role just as well, if not better. Like a cast of characters: the husband, the boyfriend, the lawyer, the doctor, the wife, the mother, the stripper, the whore, the provider, the nurturer, the protector. Every role could be easily cast with the women in this room. Then it dawned on me that this new and improved cast extended beyond the clubs and into the real lives of every lesbian. Women have been living like this since before recorded time. The stories are legendary and handed down to us in the mythical archetypes of Amazons.

I’m of the opinion that lesbians are the descendants and little sisters of these legendary figures and symbols of female strength and ultimate independence from a patriarchal regime. The spirit of the Amazon lives on in us. The sisterhood that was sacred to them, is sacred to us. The pride and courage these warriors lived and died by still courses through our veins as we drive down Santa Monica Blvd. in our SUV’s and hybrids. Most of the time we don’t feel it, because it’s not always needed. But when something threatens us, our rights, our freedom, our safety or our loved ones, something clicks inside us. The blood rite that’s ours is felt in every cell of our being. Our hearts pound with adrenaline and we unknowingly call on the strength of our predecessors and an Amazonian will to survive shines through. Much to the surprise of most around us. But its no surprise to us or our sisters. Because we know. We know what power and strength lies within our inner circle that most of the world never sees. We know how our hearts beat with love and pride in who we are and that we’re stronger together than alone.

So we continue to gather in our ritualistic manner, under the cloak of darkness, in loud clubs and crappy neighborhood dives. Not hidden but not part of the world either. Demarcated by invisible lines that show us where it’s safe to be seen in daylight and where it’s not. Outlining small segments like West Hollywood and Long Beach, leaving us happy to have a small part of the map carved out for us, no matter how small.

But true to our lineage, we press on. Pushing those invisible lines out further every day. Quietly overcoming and achieving while most of the world sits comfortably in their self-deluded status quo. Well let them, but we know better … Amazons are not to be relegated to second class citizens for long.

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Cloned Lesbians

Posted on 03. Apr, 2008 by Sasha.

What’s up with the mini-me versions of lesbian girlfriends? I know I’m not the only one who’s noticed that quite a few lesbian couples sort of look like long lost twins of one another. Not that there’s anything wrong with this. I’m not saying that there’s anything Freudian about wanting to make love to yourself or anything like that. My real question is where the heck do they find each other?

Let’s take a few of my friends for example. I’ll change the names so that if they ever happen on this blog they won’t kill me. First there’s Jeanine and Jackie. They’re not clones per say since one is Jewish and one’s Asian. But let’s look at the rest of the picture shall we? They’re both about 5ft7, skinny enough to make Giselle jealous, long straight black hair and they both sport jeans and hoodies on a daily basis. Despite being different races, strangers still ask if they’re sisters.

Than there’s my other friend, let’s call her Maggie. She also happens to be skinny and beautiful but she has short, light brown hair and her own sexy style of dressing. She and I have been the single girls in the group until recently when she imported from another state her very own clone of a girlfriend. I didn’t think it was possible yet there they were, in all their glory one night at a local gay bar where I went to meet the newbie. I had to keep sneaking glances at them and taking inventory on the striking similarities: Same height, both super skinny, similar style of dress, same skin color, same freakin’ hair color and style! To top it off, I think they’re in love!

I remember reading somewhere about the biological purpose of beauty. It said that when you look around a crowded room and you lock eyes with a stranger and all of a sudden you think to yourself, “I’m in love.” What you’ve really done is found someone who looks just like you. Even if you don’t want to admit it, we all think we’re pretty hot stuff, so it makes sense if we find someone who looks like us, we’d probably think they’re pretty hot too.

So I guess that’s it huh? A biological reason for all the cloned lesbian couples running around West Hollywood and Long Beach. Like I said earlier, where the heck do I have to go to get one of those?

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