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I hate myself right now.

I remember when I was living the lie of a straight chick. Because I never really felt anything for any man I ever dated, other then mild disdain, I was the furthest thing from a desperate girlfriend any of them will ever know. In fact, I was so, take it or leave it, I always had the upper hand in every relationship. (All but my very first one.)

I would hear or see other women that wanted to get married so badly, they gave their men ultimatums or played mind games of varying degrees of madness. I always, ALWAYS thought to myself, “Ugh, how pathetic. Nothing more unattractive then a desperate woman. God lady, if he doesn’t want you, take a hint and get the fuck out.” I mean really, if somebody doesn’t want to marry your ass, then take a hike and find someone that does.

Well, that was then and this is now. Now, I’m gay. Very gay and now I actually know what love and jealousy and desire is really all about. All of a sudden I’ve lost my cool facade and now I find myself being the jealous girlfriend, the co-dependent girlfriend, the day dreaming about engagement rings girlfriend.

Holy crap, would somebody please slap me!?

No. I’m serious.

Apparently being a lesbian in love has turned me into every sappy, stereo-typical girl I always despised. To make things worse, I have the stero-typical, commitment phobic boi-friend. After more then a year and half of living together in domestic bliss I was stupid enough to think …. to want …. to hope that maybe we were both on the same page about taking the next logical step.

Uh huh …. that step.

But I guess I was wrong.

So now I’m left wondering if this isn’t something she wants, should I cut my losses and look for someone that wants the same thing?

Is this an age issue finally rearing it’s ugly, yet inevitable head?

Should I just stay, because I love her more then anyone in my life and with or without anything legal, I love her?

But if this is something I really really want, am I cheating myself by staying with someone that may never want it?

What if she wants this years down the road, when she’s my age? But by then, who knows? And how fair is that? I sit around for 7 years waiting for her to reach the level I’m already at? Nothing in life stays static, so there’s a 100% chance that by then I either won’t want it or I’ll be so resentful of having to wait all those years, what we had would have had, would have been ruined long before then.

Fuck it, I guess that’s why she doesn’t mind an open relationship for Dinah Shore. Maybe I should learn how to take a hint.

This article has 21 comments

  1. J and K

    Sasha,
    J and I read your blog together. Maybe its an individual thing and not an age thing. Our age difference is a few more years than yours but we seem to be moving in a cohesive direction. Is the paper really that important? J says if it wasn’t legal it wouldn’t be an issue between you but an issue against society so why let it ruin something great? As for the open relationship J says you’re right Remi just has commitment issues. Me personally I’m threatened with a painful dick removal if ever should I suggest or consider anything less than everything. Its all or nothin.
    J AND K

  2. cecilia fernandez

    NO! you guys are married the end… all you need now is a pice of paper saying it, but no shes your wife your her wife the end..

    mera… que open relationship my left nut!!!!! que esta loca, crazy…
    married OK! the end…

  3. ***

    Ever think that this is your karma, sasha? For all the broken hearts you’ve left on your wake? Ha! I knew one day you’d meet your match.

  4. Joe

    Hey Sashi, she’s just young and commitment phobic. A young, tomboi butch girl that’s got you as a girlfriend, is in a position in her life to provide for said woman in style, I might add, might be thinking to herself, “Hell, if I can keep this woman in check who knows what else I can pull off!”

    She will probably end up popping the question to you someday. The real question is whether or not it’ll be too late. Hot pieces like you don’t wait around too long. For anyone. I should know.

  5. Femme_LA

    I totally understand where you’re coming from Sasha, I’ve only been in love once, enough to want to marry that person. When it didn’t work out, I put up walls ten miles high and swore no one would ever break them down again.

    I just hope that you opening up like this and showing your vulnerability doesn’t backfire. The worst thing in the world would be for what you and Remi have to be ruined by hurt feelings, resentment and misunderstandings.

    But in the end, timing is everything. Unfortunately, it sounds like thats the one thing you two might not have after all.

  6. Georgie

    I think this is amazing. I’ve been reading your blog since the begininng and loved reading all your exploits with all those beautiful women. I thought you of all people would never ever settle down enough to want marriage!!!!!

    Wow, Remi must really be something outstanding to make a girl like you start day dreaming about white dresses and pretty cakes.

    I only wonder if she wonders how hard this probably was for you?

    I bet a month from now, I’ll be reading about you being single again and all the women you’re sleeping with to prove you’re ok and never want to get married. LOL …. only kidding. Sort of.

  7. Mr. Goodlove

    I’ll marry you!

    Really.

  8. Mr. Goodlove

    I’m not joking. I’ve been after you for more then 2 years now. If this is one time Remi really fucks up, then I’ll be your superman and sweep and save you from any heartache. I can kiss it and make you forget anyone else.

    Let me help you. I’ll show you what a real butch can offer.

  9. J.R.

    LMFAO!!!! Hahahaha …. is it any wonder she doesn’t want to make a life long commitment to someone like you? You’re a bipolar, crazy, high maintenance, stuck up broad that needs to be put in her place. No wonder Remi doesn’t want to be tied down to you. She probably just bought you that car to keep you pacified. You are more trouble then you’re worth, but you’re still a hot piece of ass.

    But marriage material? Ha!! Not you honey.

  10. H.Q.

    I think that you’re lucky enough to have Remi through all the crazy shit you put her through. You can’t expect her to want to “marry” you too!!! Give me a break! Count your blessings that someone like her puts up with you to begin with.

  11. Sasha

    Hey HQ, thanks. It’s like you read my mind. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Believe me, everything you said, I think too.

  12. Sarah 1.2

    Some of the commenters are being brutal here…
    but all the same I do think that you’re angsting over very little. You have Remi at all – that’s better than not, ne?
    She seems as hooked as you, she’s just suffering the same anti-marriage fears (that if you will note you had a while back), so is it really worth it to cut her off just because she’s not into the whole idea of ‘marriage’ yet?

  13. GC

    I think it all comes down to, does Remi (even if it’s far away ) really want to marry you?
    Because if she’s not even entertaining the idea that maybe one day you’ll get married, then it’s highly unlikely that you will get what you want.
    If I were you I would be preparing to count my losses eventually.
    And yes even you crazy, bi-polar, high maintenance Sasha deserves to be happy and loved back.

  14. Lezzy B

    I think that in all respects that really count, you guys are “married”. Let’s look at it, shall we?

    1) You live together
    2) You share ALL finances, or so it sounds more like Remi shares all her finances. But you share the house, so yea it’s actually probably pretty even if we were to break that down but anyhoo….. moving on
    3) she loves you enough that she caught you a freakin’ mini cooper!!! A brand new one, top of the line one! I know it’s both of you guys car, but you said in one comment she leaves it home for you when she goes to work. Which sounds suspiciously like she really bought it to make you happy and take care of you.
    4) You guys are in love. Like really really in love!
    5) Domestic partnership is just a legal piece of paper, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you if that freaks her out. The real test is that she stays with you through everything.

    So in the end, I have this to contribute as a possible compromise:

    Tell Remi to read this part it’s for her: 😉
    Maybe you could be super romantic at some point in the near future and buy her a ring. Not an engagement ring, but like a committed for life time ring. Ok, so maybe it’s an engagement ring, without the impending nuptials at the end tho. Then take her away for the weekend and tell her all the things you feel and all the promises you have in your heart and what that ring means to you and then put it on her left hand. To tell the world she’s yours and no one else can ever have her.

    Maybe Sasha just really needs to feel that commitment and love and a sign from you that she’s really yours forever. I bet if you do this, she’ll lay off the marriage talk for at least another year ….. lol

    Who says engagements have to have weddings attached? It could just be your way of telling the world that you’re more then just a flash in the pan, lesbian couple, girlfriends.

    Anyhoo. That’s all I got. Good luck.

    OK, Sasha, you can come back now.

  15. Lesbian Wife

    I hear ya! I married a guy once upon a time, and didn’t understand all the drama and emotion my friends had. I was a very distant wife. And then I came out, and then I met Her. Luckily we moved in the same direction and have “married”.

    I think this is time to have a really honest heart to heart with one another about what you see for your futures. Maybe she thinks it’s “lifetime” but not “marriage”. Or maybe she thinks it’s not lifetime. That’s what you need to determine.

  16. baby dyke

    You can look at this from both sides. If it’s just a piece of paper that means nothing then Sasha should be ok without it.

    But if it’s just a piece of paper that means nothing, but it would make her feel infinitely better and more secure then remi should have no problem signing it if it’s just a stupid piece of paper.

  17. Femme Inc.

    Marriage is a big step. Relax a little. I was married in my past life, I’m engaged to my gf who I met a year and a half ago. We were engaged almost a year ago. She and I have the most amazing connection and partnership I have ever felt before. BUT, I am in no rush to get to that alter. Marriage scares the crap out of me. Its got nothing to do with the commitment to her, because I am just as commited to her now as I would be after marriage.
    My marriage failed because of many reasons, but the main one is I was young and didn’t really understand what a partnership was or who I was. As cliche as it sounds, we grew apart. I’m thankful for it and can see that we weren’t meant to be together forever, it was what worked for who I was and what I knew then.
    If you are feeling restless or needing something a little more validating in your relationship, why not go for commitment rings? Just something small for each other.
    I will also ask you…are you sending her mixed messages? You say you want an open relationship so you can feel free to fuck someone else, but you’re also questioning her because there’s no sign of an engagement ring.
    Contradictory, dont you think?

  18. flegling k

    I think people are being a too harsh on you, Sasha. But I agree with others enough to say: Don’t sweat this. Marriage is *waaaay* over-rated unless you’re having kids.Trust.

    Let it go and zen out, seriously. You’ll like yourself better. You don’t want to be this person, then don’t be. You can control that. May not be easy or come naturally, but you can. In the end, it’s all just a title and possibly, *maybe* a slightly more reinforced committment, but that’s really not a gaurantee. Sometimes just the title effects the relationship in a wierd f*ed up way too that is hard to pin-point and often impossible to predict.

    Being a little jealous can be healthy in a relationship from time to time, but I don’t need to remind you what a fine line that can be and how easily so many things that are taken for granted right now can turn to shit. Since your relationship is relatively drama-free, I think that skews your perception of what is/is not worth fighting over.

    Remember when you said you don’t want to jinx this relationship? Guess what? You’re opening the pandora’s box of jinx right now if you pursue this obsession.

    F* the engagement ring…I know how addicting it can be to look for the perfect one, but you’ll feel stupid when your sitting there staring at the pretty ring with tears in your eyes wondering why you just didn’t leave good enough alone as your relationship turns to crap because you pressured her into it and she wasn’t ready. The fact that Remi’s not ready for that could, if not most likely, has *nothing* to do with you.

    Let it go. There are more important things to be upset about and if not, then be happy there’s not. I’m not saying it’s not heavy subject matter, but it just doesn’t seem necessary. I guess it just depends on *why* you feel the *need* to get married NOW.

    The “next logical step” is a b.s. reason…at least, it was based on my experience; I used it before and regretted the results entirely.

  19. Mele

    Sasha, I think you’re wwwwaaaayyy over analyzing this and maybe even having an emotional hiccup due to your condition.

    For one, you mention you’ve been together a year and a half – that’s really not very long at all. I really do not think it’s fair to look at another human being after such a relatively short period of time and have these expectations of her.

    It takes years to really build up the foundation of trust, hardship, and mutual experience to KNOW that this is the right thing. It sounds negative, but you have to suffer through the death of loved ones together, or being totally broke together, face some real challenges together, even face financial success together, before either of you knows just how well the other has your back.

    Look, I love my girl more than all the guys I was with before combined, and I have more trust in her than anyone on the planet after two years together. But would I marry her tomorrow if I could? No. There are things we both want to do for ourselves first, and perhaps Remy feels that way as well.

    And what more, at this stage, can you really say Remy needs to do to prove what she feels for you? That car wasn’t enough? The way she cares for you, the way she is with you, none of that is enough? Would even that piece of paper be enough if you got it? She’s paid some dues, cut her some slack.

    I think this open relationship at Dinah Shore is a bad, bad idea.

  20. Tiffany

    I have always never minded if my boyfriends wanted another woman, or flirted with other women, or left me for another woman. But the 3 times I’ve been in a f/f/m 3some, I got royally pissed off and SUPER possessive feeling of the girl, luckily I have good self control and am pretty shy so no one seemed to notice, but all I could think about was GET.YOUR.DICK.AWAY.FROM.HER! MINE! Ridiculous I know. I don’t think I’m a jealous woman, or possesive.Unless I’m with a girl I like. Then I just want to kick myself.

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