I think I’m in a low place right now. Some how I keep getting up every day and functioning on some level. But it’s definitely not at the level I wish I was. Basically, I’m fighting the urge to just stay in bed all day long, passed out from sleeping pills and wine. But instead, Insanity just got here.
Oh joy. :/ The wife wants to start tonight but I don’t. Been fighting my back and today it’s kicking my ass. It’s out like mofo and I refuse to take pain killers unless I have to be somewhere in public. Because I don’t care if I look like I’m in pain at home. But I don’t want to look like that in public. So I save my pain pills for public days.
I need to dig deep and find my motivation again. I was on fire with that last 30 day challenge and for some reason, I’m just not anymore. I really have to find something I can hold onto, that’s mentally motivating and emotionally charged enough for me to stay on track with my next set of goals I’ve set for myself.
So far the 7:00 am thing? Yea, total bust. SO FAR. Not giving up on it. I can’t really. I have to be able to make it to 9:00 am classes at my fight gym if I’m going to accomplish what I’m going for. But yea, thought I’d be honest about my progress, or lack there of.
I’m also trying to figure out if my back is getting thrown out because I’m emotional right now. It happens. There is a strong physical/emotional connection in everything and for me, when I get upset or stressed either my neck or my lower back give out. But it’s also an old, nagging injury so I have to be careful. Bleh.
Then there’s my jewelry line. I hardly have anything left in my Etsy store and I really need to make some new things. But I only make things when I’m in a good place because I’m a strong believer of energy and vibrations getting attached to things. And I only ever want to send out good, happy vibes with my little sparkling packages of gayness. So, I’m sort of waiting for my jewelry muse to visit again so I can make some new things for everyone.
Yea …. I don’t know wtf is wrong with me. I don’t have anything to be sad about. Yesterday Remi took me to Sephora to cheer me up. I got all new makeup from my favorite natural makeup line. Before getting out of the car, I turned to Remi and said, “Prepare yourself for the shock at the cash register. This is going to be expensive.”
To which she said, “I prepared myself for that the day I married you.”
We then proceeded to spend an absurd amount of money on a very tiny bag of goodies. But it did cheer me up for a bit. ….. Wow, see that? <—— I know I wrote it but I sort of want to slap myself for being such a spoiled brat. But it’s true what they say, money doesn’t buy happiness. That has to come from within and right now, my inner supply is dwindling.
“Prepare yourself for the shock at the cash register. This is going to be expensive.”
To which she said, “I prepared myself for that the day I married you.”
—
Haha, wonderful! Also, I disagree with that saying’s wording: happiness can be bought, as evidenced by retail therapy, the things we purchase to then experience (although one could argue that we’re not buying happiness, but rather buying the ability to experience it). It’s fulfillment that can’t be bought.
I was worried about your sleep schedule goals. If you’re naturally nocturnal, it seems almost cruel to try to force your body to be a different way except for special occasions.
For the Insanity… Remi wanted you there for support as well, why not just watch her, do the stretches (I’m sure there are stretches) and participate in the work outs that pique some of your interest. Sometimes just being there can help.
Also, I am going to message you about the jewelry dilemma.
Sasha, I hope you don’t feel guilty about not meeting some of the goals you’ve established for yourself. Just keep trying. If you don’t do it today, try for tomorrow. Remember to be kind and gentle with yourself. I agree with Elegy – maybe if you supported Remi by just watching her torture herself, at some point the urge to join in might hit you. You shouldn’t do it while your back is bothering you unless you want to end up in traction. I also agree there is a connection between emotions and health. Stress can really do a number on you, but so can other things like loneliness and just plain old unhappiness. I sense that you want to stretch your wings and take to the sky, but something is holding you down. It could be a down cycle or it could be something else that is bothering you. Meditation always helps me when I get emotionally knotted up and don’t know why. I love that you create your jewelry pieces only while under the influence of good energy. I can definitely feel the energy of the pieces I wear, and if they have bad juju, then forget it. Always my best to you. Sending good vibes to you in truckloads.
Sasha, sorry to hear about your blues. “This too shall pass.” Although it sucks, when you’re in the miserable midst of it. Please don’t beat yourself up. Sephora is one of my favorite stores. If you don’t mind sharing, which natural line of makeup did you buy? (I’m guessing bareMinerals.) I’m in the mood for “retail shopping therapy.”
Well Remi wanted motivational support for Insanity so be supportive like a fitness trainer. Watch her workout and yell to make her work harder, keep up Lawl. Be an at home drill seargent
As for motivating yourself, think bck to WHY you made th goals. You want to get up bearly to go to fight class That may be for health but I’m sure there are much deeper, personal reasons. Think back to said reasons and motivate yourself.
Positve energy= coming from happiness and sense of well being. Nothing needs to really change for tat except your pespective. You may be fighting to make it through the day but your still fighting and not giving up like many would. You may not be acomplishing your goals but at least you set some which is more than can be said for 90% of the population.
Elegy – good point. I always say money can’t buy happiness but it doesn’t hurt! And after being broke most of my life, I can say from now knowing both sides that being financially stable definitely helps alleviate a lot stress! So maybe it does buy a certain kind of happiness.
And my sleep schedule is the one thing I’ve never been able to get a hold of and reading comments here and on the other blog, is starting to make me think it’s not all just a matter of will power! Maybe I need to rethink this … Or …. …ahhhhh!! I don’t know. I don’t want to be a prisoner of my natural sleep cycle. If only the rest of the world was up 24/7 then I wouldnt have to change.
Rexie – hugs! Xoxoxoxoxox
Ricki – I was actually planning on writing a review or two of the natural cosmetic and skin care lines and products I have come to love. Check back in a day or so!
GurrlyGrrl – totally right on point with everything! I need to refocus and find that inner motivation.
Also, update on insanity. Omg. I did the fit test today by myself (cuz we got in a fight and I thought we weren’t going to do it together) and it kicked my ass!!! I startled thinking, if this is just the warm up and test, I may be in over my head!
But I used the pause button as much as needed and pushed through. Except for 2 exercises I couldn’t do because my back gave out, I finished it. And I’m going to redo it tomorrow with Remi if she’s up for it. So … Iill get back to you when I put together a clear plan of action
Ohhh! Good point with the back. When a exercise comes up that puts more stress on your back you could modify it so less pressure is on it
or just keep doing the previous exercise so you keep moving 
Pause button is my bff when working out. So is water and cold air aimed right for me.
oo yeah! i point a fan right into my face during my workouts.
and i keep a wet towel next to me. def helps to keep me cool.
Sasha, i wouldn’t worry so much about sticking to the goal. i know for me, when i look at the long term, it freaks me out, and makes me feel defeated. maybe that’s happening to you? go back to the gold stars! i loove that idea! maybe start out again with doing 10 min at a time on the treadmill again. that way you know it’s something you can accomplish, and once you start to do that, maybe your motivation will come back! when i finished my first 30 day workout dvd, i didn’t really know what to do, so i just kind of stopped. and i was scared. i was fearful of what i would accomplish, and while i still have problems with fear, i try to only focus on one day at a time.
for the sleep issues, maybe try to gradually work up to 7am? start getting up @11 for 2 weeks or so, then go to 10, then 9, and so on and so on. maybe even do it for 3 weeks before you switch, that way your body can gradually adjust to the early hr. i’m wondering if the early morning wake up time isn’t working so well b/c your body’s being shocked into being awake at such an early hour?
have you tried yoga for your back? a lot of it is stretches, and you only go as far as you can. plus it’s gentle enough exercise that you won’t hurt it more, but will still get a workout. i recommend jillian michaels yoga meltdown. hers is power yoga, so it’s more hardcore but it still gentle enough for when im feeling sore. or any type of yoga really? maybe one for back! plus, i always feel more centered/calm emotionally after yoga.
Sasha –
I know this might not be what you want to hear, but if you have back issues, maybe a fight club/training is not what you need right now. Especially in grappling or other interactive stuff, you really get wrenched and you can’t expect that anyone is going to ‘take it easy’ – especially in a mixed gender class.
I’m a small chick and I stay away from it simply because I know I’d likely get injured, and nothing is worth that. So, I do weights and other stuff, and ‘look’ like a boss – even though I don’t have any kind of fight training. No one knows the difference.
I know you love it, but sometimes you have to make adjustments – even if they are temporary until you get stronger. You’re back is going to be weak not just from emotional crap, but because you likely haven’t really tested it in a while…muscles take time. In the meantime, maybe work it in a way that strengthens it before jumping in full force…
Just a thought.
Sasha, i hate to say it but im not surprised by the 7am thing. Drop that as a goal its rrally not hepful and will only cause more stress.
Also, as someone with lots if back and neck injuries too, do yoga instead. Also, reiki and lots of energy work.
I echo and agree with WWG’s comment “Also, as someone with lots if back and neck injuries too, do yoga instead.” I have major shoulder/neck/back issues and I do pilates and yoga twice a week and it TOTALLY helps. The insanity exercise would kill me. Plus I have enough insanity in my life.
But do whatever works best for you and your body. Don’t be so hard on yourself (yeah coming from me I should listen to my own advice on that!). Sasha you are strong, brave and beautiful. Just do the best you can and that’s that. There is no one else qualified to be you that’s why you have the part and no one else. Take care Jaz (GO SASHA GO SASHA GO SASHA)
…and I LOVE Sephora too
Jul –
You’re right, I don’t want to hear that!
lol. But it’s not something I haven’t considered. Because of my back I’ve taken a year off at a time sometimes from training. But I’ve never given up on it. Luckily, I finally found someone who was ale to teach me the proper exercises to do on my own to rehab my back.
Unfortunately, I’m not as consistent as I need to be. So every time my back goes out, I go back to the basics and rehab my back and promise to never stop doing them again. (yea right)
But I’ve decided 2 things:
1. I’ve never really found anything that makes me feel THIS good. It’s the best therapy in the world. I don’t get the same “high” from running, dancing, yoga, Pilates, cycling, rollerblading, skateboarding, walking, swimming (all the other excecises I’ve done or do) they don’t get me to that same place as fight training does, there’s something about it that just really matches my personality. So I’ve decided to not give it up. HOWEVER, I will and do train smarter now. I’m not shy to tell my teachers and partner, “hey I can’t do that move, can we alter it?” I’m going to do all I can to not get hurt again. My back goes out periodically whether I’m training or not, so I figure I might as well be doing what I love as long as I do it as smart as possible.
2. I’ve also come to look at my back issues as an opportunity to be thankful for all the days I CAN walk relatively pain free and as an opportunity to never take things for granted. It also forces me to do things the right way, to stick to a back rehab program. Basically, to get back to basics and to use that time to be humbled and grateful for what I can do.
And yoga and Pilates IS part of my weekly routine. I’m working on a routine I can stick to and will let you know what I come up with!
Thank you everyone for your advice. It’s all good advice!
And Alice, you’re right … I think I need to add the treadmill back in too. For structure.
Sasha –
You know…I was just saying ‘prehab’ before going full speed ahead. Sounds like you know that too…if you’ve been out of the game for a while, your weakness will be the first thing that will crop up. If you add stress to that, even worse. Get strong before you get out there…I think we’re on the same page with that.
Just be sure not to get paired with a real ‘meathead’ in your class who thinks he has to prove his salt by being rougher than he needs to.
Best of luck.
Jul, I couldn’t agree more!!!!
And I’m stealing that term, “prehab” …. that’s perfect!!! 
Thank you. <3
I am going through a holistic health program for overall stregthening and one thing I recently learned about was daily energy levels in relation to adrenal function. I, like you, have zippo energy in the a.m. This is true, even to the point that over the years that I’ve leaned toward having night time work and school schedules. I’m cranky, just can’t think well in the a.m., and have come to accept it! In any case, as far as the adrenals go (imagine a bell curve type graph) some people’s energy levels peak in the a.m. and then slowly lower mid afternoon. By the evening they are more mellow and don’t have trouble sleeping or going to bed early. Then the second set of ppl., such as myself, have flat adrenal function and the reverse is true, energy levels stay peaked toward the average bedtime. I think the important thing is to establish a consistent routine that works for you in particular, rather than what we “think” the ideal should be…I mean, really, who cares what time of day you work out, so long as you’re doing it? Oh, I also learned for other ppl., (generally persons who have had ongoing health issues, myself included) the adrenals tire out altogether (so imagining a graph again) there is just one big flat line. Energy levels just stay super low, and that in itself is depressing. I’m only first learning about it and don’t have an answer as to how to fix them yet, but it sounds like it could be worth researching.
Katherine, that’s very interesting. I used to work with a biofeedback machine and whenever I put myself on it, it basically read that my adrenals were SHOT TO HELL.
But I hadn’t heard about the way they peak during times of the day for some people. Verrrrry interesting. Was it you that mentioned your cortisol levels ran opposite to most people’s?? I would love to know more about that too.
I also heard that people’s internal clocks are affected by the time of day they are born. Don’t know if that’s true but I was born at 10:00 at night and my entire life, as soon as the sun goes down I get energized even if I’ve been dead tired all day.
That has something to do with our basal temperature as well, linked somehow to time of birth — to our natural sleep cycles. I don’t know for sure, I’m just trying to tie together everything I’ve read and now with the new things a few of you have mentioned, it really does all go together.
I had pretty much given up on being a morning person. BUT there are 3 classes a week I want to go to:
Monday 11:00 am kali (actually this is not too bad for me. I can get up at 9 and make it.)
Tuesday 9:00 am KRAV (Have yet to make this one yet because it’s so freaking early!)
Friday 10:00 am KRAV (This seems doable. Going for it this coming Friday!)
But every so-called “sleep expert” says to stick to one start time 24/7!!!! Which would mean I have to pick the earliest class to be my “normal” start time which is 7:00. So far all that has done is give me anxiety the night before to where I don’t sleep at all and start crying around 4:00 am for being such a looser!!!!
I’m not kidding. It’s really bad.
katherine- that is so interesting! i hate getting up early, have been told i am ‘mean’ lol but i have energy early in the day once i wake up, and as the day goes on i start to down slide, which is why i try and get my workout in by 4pm, bc if its after that,it’s not gonna happen b/c i literally can’t move lol. granted i get up at 4am, so maybe that’s why.
but i usually go to bed @9, and have found that if i stay up beyond that im so tired i end up in tears 
. makes a nightlife awkward to say the least.
Ugh, I just think that trying to force the body isn’t the healthiest of things. You can make do, but you won’t be at your best, in my experience. For example, back when I had people depending on me for work to get in super early, work hard all day, and then collapse at home I did get on a consistent schedule. It was so drilled into me that for weeks after I would wake up at 6 AM. The only problem? I still wasn’t getting to sleep until 1-3 AM. But my body knew that 6 AM meant “wake up!” so just watch out for something like that happening.
I was worried about you changing your sleep hours, too. Didn’t you mention before that doing so could throw you into a depressive episode? Maybe that’s what’s going on.
Cortisol is supposed to be at its highest point early in the morning and that gives you the energy to start your day. It gradually decreases throughout the day and is at its low point around bedtime. For me, it’s lowest in the morning and starts climbing around 4pm. It’s at its highest at bedtime, when I’m just getting geared up. I’ve tried working regular hours, and I never adjust to it, no matter how long I give it. I just wind up acting and looking like the living dead.
I hadn’t heard about the time of birth affecting this and I’d be curious to learn more. I was born at 2am. Come to think of it, I often wake up at 2am, no matter what time I go to bed.
I actually felt better about my not being able to get out and about until 10am (best case scenario if someone’s threatening me) or 2pm if I have my way, after reading your last post. To see so many other people having the same issue took some of the weight off. I noticed a number of creative people mentioning being a night owl. Maybe there’s a correlation?
Regarding your classes, how about doing the later of the two KRAV classes and leaving the 9am one alone?
That time-you-were born thing… I can’t say how applicable that is to people. For one, my insomnia did not start until a year or two after I hit puberty (and coincided with a timezone shift, one that I had gone through before FTR)- prior to that I had little disruption in my sleep pattern. I already know that my sleeping pattern is based on my hormones, I’ve yet to determine which specific hormones. I also wonder if pin pointing them would honestly make a positive difference.