OK, so yesterday I had a meltdown of near cataclysmic proportions. Before you ask, Remi and I are doing fine. She had nothing to do with it. She’s been wonderful as usual. (Yes, we got over the whole liquids and laptop debacle)
No, this was all me. For some reason, I have no idea why but I’ve been having days of crying jags. And I mean crying that won’t stop no matter how much I try. For no particular reason, everything else seems to be going fine in my life and out of the blue I’m gripped by this paralyzing sadness that feels a lot like being grief stricken. I’m not totally sure why, but I suspect the culprit’s initials are bi-polar. 
Usually I would never blog about this. But recently I got another comment from a fellow lesbian suffering from bipolar. Lydia wrote: I came online tonight trying to google the words “lesbian” and “bipolar disorder” because I’m a lesbian with bipolar disorder , I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there like me struggling with it and this site popped up. So kudos to you for being so strong and coming out twice! This is my first time on this site and i hope to see more blogs on this topic or similar to this topic. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only lesbian out there with bipolar disorder. I feel like I’ve been hit twice and I’m constantly fighting to live a “normal’ life.
Since a few of you have actually asked that I write about this topic every once in a while, here you go. Here’s a peak into a day of a rapid cycling bipolar lesbian.
A few days ago you all read about my blowout with Remi about the liquids and my laptop. While I don’t take it back because I still feel I was in the right, I can say that in retrospect, my nerves were already raw that morning. By the time she woke up I had already been crying hysterically in the bathroom for a good hour. I just tried to hide it from her when she got up. So what usually would have been another calm request on my part turned into a loud, heated and hurtful confrontation.
The crying continued after I posted the blog, by then fueled by the hurt and anger of our recent fight, coupled with whatever was going on with me, chemically. I really wish we (bipolar peeps) could get brain scans when we’re going through these mood swings to see what the hell is going on up there. Because really, I was out of control. I ended up downing two shots of rum just to calm myself down. (Not doctor recommended, but I really didn’t care at that point.)
That day cycled back and forth between anger, irritability, despair, crying, happy, laughing to totally zoned out where I felt like a balloon drifting away, getting further and further away from my own body and everything real around me. And poor Remi …. well she was along for the ride.
This has all continued more or less every day since then until yesterday when she left for work. Something much darker and heavier came over me like a thick fog and before I knew it I was lost in it.
I will spare you the details, because honestly they’re embarrassing. In the semi-sane light of day the things I did and the way I behaved yesterday was just plain certifiable. I’m sure if a health care professional had seen me, I would have been on a 72 hour hold.
But todays a new day and while I don’t feel suicidal or particularly self-destructive, at least not in any way that would leave physical evidence …. I am tentatively better today. Or should I say currently, because who knows what the next ten minutes has in store for me.
I’m actually really excited about Tuesday. Because Maggie has found a new, amazing place to hold Lesbian Taco Tuesdays for our burgeoning circle of couples in Huntington Beach. So for now, I’m holding onto the little things to pull me through one hour at a time. Today, that’s Taco Tuesday and knowing that even though I didn’t, I could have called Maggie yesterday and been a raving lunatic on the phone with her and she’d still be my friend.
My daughter was bipolar with rapid cycling. She suffered with this from the age of 17 till the day she took her own life at 25. It’s the hardest thing in the world to love someone with this illness and not be able to do anything. I wanted to commend Remi for standing by you through this. I can on;y hope that she’s strong enough to never give up on you and that your love lasts through it all.
Thank you for writing about this. I know it must be really hard. I’m bipolar too and it’s the source of my greatest shame and I tend to hide myself from the world when things get like you describe. But reading your blog makes me feel a little better knowing i’m not the only person going through this.
I wish you had called me, I could come over and take you out for some fresh air and get your mind of things until your gf gets home. You shouldn’t be by yourself when you’re like that.
I just found your blog by accident. I was googling MMA and your site popped up. But I had to comment. My best friend is bipolar and he’s been hospitalized many times. If you’re doing something to harm yourself or you want to, maybe you should be hospitalized. just for your own good, so they can get your meds right. It’s a long hard process, but don’t give up.
I want to kill myself but the only reason I don’t is my family. What do you do when you get those urges? Is it the same for you? I hear voices in my head that tell me I’m worthless and that I need to do it. get it over with. I’m not schizo, but it’s like that for me.
My phone is always on. I may not BE bi-polar but I have dated several AND I went through years of depression with suicidal thoughts, tendencies, and the eventual attempt. I did the therapy thing, and the medication thing. I have been through a lot, and I fucking get you. I do.
My phone is always on, and as I told you yesterday, you can be a raving lunatic all you want. I worry less when I hear from you than when I don’t.
I love you.
I am so proud of you for openly talking about this! There is nothing shameful in having chemical issues, we all have them in one form or another. You are to be commended for being astute enough to realize what is happening and that there is an end to it when it starts. I think I speak for all of your readers when I say we support and care for you very much.
Just a chemical issue… like other posters have mentioned.
Just try to recognize sooner what the triggers are. It wasn’t the cup on the desk. That was inappropriate of course, but so was your reaction. Long before the “drink” incident you had some sort of trigger to tell you that you were going to be set off. It is key to be tuned into that… and for Remi also to be tuned in. Communicate.
I’ve spent many days, many afternoons, nights, etc with a sore throat from crying and screaming over incidents that seem quite meaningless now. No. Maybe not. Maybe they had meaning at the time. Your drink incident has great meaning… but your reaction… that is where our chemical synapses in our brain just fuck it up for us.
Anyway, it’s late, I’m rambling.
I could only imagine the things I could do, if I didnt have this in my way…….
Thank you, thank you, thank you for your honesty. Like other commenters, I was searching for “lesbian” and “bipolar” and your site came up.
I’m not bipolar–I have struggled with depression in the past, so I have an inkling of part of what it might be like. But I am starting to date someone who is bipolar. I sense the potential for an amazing relationship here–she’s sweet, caring, sexy, creative, intelligent–ok, all that stuff we see in a new lover. I want to be able to offer her the support and caring she needs, when she needs it, without smothering or mothering. She’s an adult and has lived with this many years–she knows her signs and triggers, and doesn’t want or need a caretaker.
I know much of this has to come from her–and we have talked about it, in some depth. She’s shared her triggers and signs with me, and asked me to tell her when I think I see them.
I want this relationship to work, or if it fails, I want that to be as little about her illness (her term, not mine) as possible.
What I’m asking, I guess, is What do I need to know, what should I be aware of–what are the pitfalls and joys? I want to be with her and I want to support her around this in any way possible, without making it the focus of our relationship.
I hope this makes some kind of sense… And I am certainly not trying to make you the poster girl for bipolar lesbians, Sasha…but I didn’t see any other connections out there.
Thank you so much–I don’t know you, but I’ll send a hug your way anyway. I love your writing.
I’ve had to fight with myself for a while now to actually post a comment on here. As anonymous as I can make this post, I’m still terrified. I don’t know what that says, but I’m kind of really hoping someone can give me some advice.
Earlier this morning I came upon your blog, and I’ve read through a great deal of it. You’re a very inspiring person, and though sometimes your honesty scares me a bit, I appreciated it. I’ve been struggling with coming out for a while now, not only as a pagan and a lesbian but also having been recently diagnosed bipolar. I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying, and it definitely does make me feel better to know there are others like me. Sometimes I feel like I’m very isolated because of who I am, and I’m afraid to really be me. It’s people like you who make me want to try though.
I’ve moved 22 times, most over the last 8 years, and it’s been difficult for me to figure out where I belong in the world, and even harder trying to make friends. I mean, bipolar-pagan-lesbian is not a grouping of attributes I think many people have on their wish list when it comes to friendships or relationships. I don’t mean to be forward, but I’m mentioning all this because, like I said, I wanted to ask for advice. I just moved to Huntington Beach and I know for once, thank god, I’m going to be here for a while. I really want to try to go out and not be afraid to be myself, I want to not be afraid to tell my family, and I want to make friends and just…how is it that you’re so confidant? Where do you get the confidence to be yourself? I don’t know how to not be afraid.
Hi M and welcome …. my answer to this question may be a bit long for a comment, so I will address it in a new blog … check back soon, I’m going to start writing it right now