OK, so yesterday I had a meltdown of near cataclysmic proportions. Before you ask, Remi and I are doing fine. She had nothing to do with it. She’s been wonderful as usual. (Yes, we got over the whole liquids and laptop debacle)
No, this was all me. For some reason, I have no idea why but I’ve been having days of crying jags. And I mean crying that won’t stop no matter how much I try. For no particular reason, everything else seems to be going fine in my life and out of the blue I’m gripped by this paralyzing sadness that feels a lot like being grief stricken. I’m not totally sure why, but I suspect the culprit’s initials are bi-polar.
Usually I would never blog about this. But recently I got another comment from a fellow lesbian suffering from bipolar. Lydia wrote: I came online tonight trying to google the words “lesbian” and “bipolar disorder” because I’m a lesbian with bipolar disorder , I wanted to see if there was anyone else out there like me struggling with it and this site popped up. So kudos to you for being so strong and coming out twice! This is my first time on this site and i hope to see more blogs on this topic or similar to this topic. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only lesbian out there with bipolar disorder. I feel like I’ve been hit twice and I’m constantly fighting to live a “normal’ life.
Since a few of you have actually asked that I write about this topic every once in a while, here you go. Here’s a peak into a day of a rapid cycling bipolar lesbian.
A few days ago you all read about my blowout with Remi about the liquids and my laptop. While I don’t take it back because I still feel I was in the right, I can say that in retrospect, my nerves were already raw that morning. By the time she woke up I had already been crying hysterically in the bathroom for a good hour. I just tried to hide it from her when she got up. So what usually would have been another calm request on my part turned into a loud, heated and hurtful confrontation.
The crying continued after I posted the blog, by then fueled by the hurt and anger of our recent fight, coupled with whatever was going on with me, chemically. I really wish we (bipolar peeps) could get brain scans when we’re going through these mood swings to see what the hell is going on up there. Because really, I was out of control. I ended up downing two shots of rum just to calm myself down. (Not doctor recommended, but I really didn’t care at that point.)
That day cycled back and forth between anger, irritability, despair, crying, happy, laughing to totally zoned out where I felt like a balloon drifting away, getting further and further away from my own body and everything real around me. And poor Remi …. well she was along for the ride.
This has all continued more or less every day since then until yesterday when she left for work. Something much darker and heavier came over me like a thick fog and before I knew it I was lost in it.
I will spare you the details, because honestly they’re embarrassing. In the semi-sane light of day the things I did and the way I behaved yesterday was just plain certifiable. I’m sure if a health care professional had seen me, I would have been on a 72 hour hold.
But todays a new day and while I don’t feel suicidal or particularly self-destructive, at least not in any way that would leave physical evidence …. I am tentatively better today. Or should I say currently, because who knows what the next ten minutes has in store for me.
I’m actually really excited about Tuesday. Because Maggie has found a new, amazing place to hold Lesbian Taco Tuesdays for our burgeoning circle of couples in Huntington Beach. So for now, I’m holding onto the little things to pull me through one hour at a time. Today, that’s Taco Tuesday and knowing that even though I didn’t, I could have called Maggie yesterday and been a raving lunatic on the phone with her and she’d still be my friend.