Holy crap people. I was going to wait and dole out little blogs about our thoughts on opening up our marriage and our new friend Lena. But since the comment section jumped off and my cell phone blew up, immediately after posting her picture, I thought I had better write a follow up fast! Lest you wrongly cast Lena in the role of seductress. Oh well, not that she’s not one! But that isn’t really the case here. Let me explain!!!
First topic I must address is her being Remi’s “ex.” That was what I thought all these years. But it turned out I was wrong. While Remi did try to explain this to me, I think I didn’t want to listen or believe her, thinking she as simply trying to calm me down. But after meeting Lena in person she and Remi explained it to me. So here’s the deal: they were friends for a while and thought at one moment in time that maybe it could be something more. But after an awkward night, they decided they made better friends then lovers and that was that.
As you can imagine this new understanding made me feel much more comfortable. But honestly, Lena is a sweetheart. The moment I met her, she was just as kind and open as can be. She’s definitely a free spirit and that shines through. Which makes her a ton of fun to go out with. At no time did she bring up the idea of a threesome. This was just me and Remi talking about it! 
We made plans to see Lena again within a few days of Pride. It was a Wednesday night and it was to celebrate Remi’s 28th birthday. We had planned a night of friends and fun at The Abbey in West Hollywood. We picked her up at her to-die-for digs nestled in the Hollywood Hills.
The mood with Lena is hard to explain, you sort of have to experience her to get it. She’s sort of a whirlwind of fun and glamour. But there’s a genuine kindness to her that’s unmistakable. I won’t lie, she makes me sort of tongue tied. And Remi knows this and finds it amusing.
The Lovely Lena
We ended up with a perfect table at The Abbey with a superb “see and be seen” vantage point. We had Lena, Remi, our fabulous gay boyfriend Sergio and his awesome friend Nick along. The night couldn’t have gone better. It was one of those nights when everyone gets along famously, the conversation and laughter was non-stop and the dancing and drinks were equally strong.
I won’t lie, I flirted a little with Lena. But I had Remi’s blessing on this, I swear!!! There was a moment when our lips touched, but I was taken off guard and not sure if it was one of those friendly smooches or possibly more?? I erred on the side of caution and assumed the more boring of the two possibilities. Only later when telling Remi about it, did it dawn on me that I might have cheated myself out of an amazing kiss. But again, this is all my side of the story!!! For all I know, she really only wanted a friendly smooch and all of this is in my imagination!!!
Yes, Lena seems to be becoming part of our core group of friends. I like her. A lot. What’s not to like? She’s beautiful inside and out. And the more I like her as a friend the less I think I want to sleep with her. Is that weird? And yes, I just admitted wanting to see how far this could go. And yes, Remi actually seems ok with this too. But remember folks, this is just my side of the story!!! I can’t speak for Lena at all. Although after this blog, I’m pretty sure a conversation with her is in my future.
The much commented upon FB pic referred to in the comments.
In the interim, Remi and I are still discussing an open relationship. And this is a conversation that has been a recurring topic our entire relationship. I can sum it up by telling you that at dinner a few weeks ago, I broached the topic again by saying, “So I really want to talk about this again because, well ….. As you know, monogamy is really hard for me.”
……. Not the end ….. It’s just this is getting too long and as you can imagine, that opening line definitely got a response from Remi.
As for the lovely Lena ….. Each time I see her, it’s an adventure. She’s the type of person that people gravitate to. And in a city like Hollywood where everyone’s too cool for school, it really speaks volumes about her that she brings people out of their shells. She’s a beauty and a blast to hang out with. We have many many nights ahead of us ….. And who knows what may happen. If the extent of it, ends up being a true, lasting friendship then I suppose we’re all winners. If anything else ever happens …. I’m not too sure I’d admit it on here! 
Women/Lesbians are SO much hotter than men!
Dear Sasha,
Lena certainly is lovely, and I can sense her warmth in her pictures. It’s always good to have new friends, and I know this is what you’ve been needing in your life. I will henceforth keep my mouth shut on my thoughts of an open relationship in your situation. I will only add that I am not narrowed minded, and don’t think they are always a bad thing. In the end, it’s your life, and you’re a big girl and can make your own decisions. My best to you always.
Rexie
Aren’t they Jaz? As much as I wrote a post about how awesome the men are in my life (generally), I still can’t imagine being with one (again). Women/lesbians are soooo much better.
Rexie, did I say something to make you think or feel I didn’t want or appreciate your advice and thoughts on this?? Because if I did, I’m sorry! You know I always listen to what everyone has to say and weigh it with my own thoughts.
The things people said about possibly losing my marriage over an open relationship really hit home with me. I’m not sure if that’s true or accurate. But the mere possibility scares me. This is a topic we are still discussing and I plan on bringing you all along on the process of discovery with us.
I just wanted to make it clear to everyone that Lena, while the latest catalyst, was in no way the “reason” or “cause” of anything. In fact she is perfectly innocent. Guilty only of being sexy as fuck and fun to flirt with!
So I thank everyone on here who reads CCL for your thoughts.
Maybe people are forgetting your past blogs? You have brought up open relationships, even before you knew what term you wanted to use. Of course, IIRC the advice then was a “don’t do it!” as well.
“And the more I like her as a friend the less I think I want to sleep with her. Is that weird? ”
Not at all! I err on the side of caution with my friendships, particularly my close ones for this reason. It does not help that I am a natural flirt. Interestingly enough, I have been weighing the option of sleeping with a friend of mine recently. Not sure what I’m going to do about that.
To me it sounds like you’ve been swept up in a whirlwind of new-friend infatuation, and even deeper if she’s as lovely a soul as you’ve portrayed her (haha, you do sound enamored!). I would say have as much fun as Remi will allow, and remember to always keep it in respect to Remi. And keep in mind that you’re walking down a path where you’re forging a new friendship and experiencing a waxing (and then waning) attraction. Be careful not to confuse the two. ;P
P.S.
Geez, if I ever need a biography or introduction that makes me look like the sweetest, kindest, most radiant soul in all the west coast, I am hiring you! XD
Lena can’t help it if she’s sexy.
Sasha can’t help it if she has good vision (and is sexy herself). 
I admire Sasha (sincerely) for her honesty and her value of open communication. Her openness about her thoughts show her respect towards Remi because there are so many people who would be attracted and cheat. Sasha has a stellar character. She has strong integrity.
The judgments from the other post made me shake my head. Open relationships may not be for certain people and that’s ok, but to project your judgments and your own insecurities onto someone else (in this case Sasha) is unfair. I think in these cases it’s best to remain objective and to stifle any judgment. And although I do understand the ‘concern’ in situations like these, concern is not synonymous with judgment.
To Sasha:
I’m not aware of how familiar you are with resources on open relationships, alternative relationships, or non-monogamous relationships in general, but there are a few really good books on the topic, that I highly recommend (also Remi should read these too, if you both are really interested in the topic altogether):
1. The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide To Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures (2nd Edition) By Dossie Easton & Janet W. Hardy
2. Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
3. Redefining Our Relationships: Guidelines For Responsible Open Relationships by Wendy-O Matik
4. Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy with Multiple Partners by Deborah Anapol
I have read all of these and they are a WEALTH of information, not only for people who are interested in polyamory and or open relationships, but believe it or not, these books are also great for monogamous people as well. Anybody and everyone can gain great advice from these books and apply it to relationships in general. As a few others echoed in the other post, communication is key. Anyone can communicate, but it’s HOW you communicate that is the most important. Are you really hearing your partner, or are you hearing what you want to hear? Do you interrupt her when she is trying to relay her needs and wants to you and vice versa? Do you have jealousy triggers? Figure out what triggers your jealousy and or your partners jealousy and talk about it. For example, “This makes me feel jealous because I feel….” Never do the “accusatory” thing when it comes to communication, otherwise it puts the person you are talking to on the defensive, then it builds resentment and conflict that could have otherwise been avoided with effective and clear communication. Communication is a 24 hour job when it comes to any binding relationship, whether platonic or romantic.
Here are a couple of internet resources:
1. http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
2. http://practicalpolyamory.blogspot.com
Also, if it seems like I’m preaching to the choir, that is not my intent. I’m merely coming from the perspective that I do not know what you are aware of and I believe sharing valuable resources is a great way to communicate with everyone. It also annoys me when people have their facts wrong or come from an ignorant viewpoint with regards to open relationships and polyamory in general. Anyways, I realize you did not ask for advice, but I hope I’m not being too intrusive when I say the following: Educate yourself, your significant other, talk with each other, check in with each other, make sure you are both on the same page (don’t assume you are) before considering such a step as this and lastly, communicate effectively and enjoy yourselves! Cheers.
This picture, and the gorgeous difference in the coloring of the two extremely beautiful ladies makes me want to sing ‘Recondita armonia’… and I’m not even a tenor.
Ahhhh S. Maschera, I wasn’t familiar with this song so I looked up the translation. So sweet!
thank you.
Lurker, thank you. THANK YOU.
And someone else mentioned the Ethical Slut, i think it was WWG? Anyways, I’m ordering that today on Amazon!!
And I like the word polyamory much more then open relationships. Not sure which one might apply just yet. But thank you for being open minded and thoughtful. I will be checking out ALL of those resources.
Your thoughtful comment is very appreciated.
Lurker Those are awesome resources for Sasha. And right on that “concern and judgement” are synonymous. See Sasha when you open up sometimes someone like Lurker will lend a resourceful hand to guide you on the path of self direction.
Opps major typo – are NOT synonymous
As someone who’s venturing into the possibility of an open relationship myself, those are some great resources that I will def have to check them out lurker! Thanks! Sasha, thank you so much for being open and honest as always. It’s been on my mind lately whether I’m being selfish in wanting to pursue an open relationship. I’ve been feeling guilty that I have needs that can’t necessarily be fulfilled by my current partner. I haven’t been sure whether to suck it up and stuff down that questioning side of me, or take a deep breath and go for it. I’m not saying your unfulfilled at all, btw, it’s just good to know that I’m not the only one who questions monogamy sometimes.
You might not admit on your blog if anything happens?! But,… But… We live vicariously through you!! Don’t you understand??!?!
Btw– wishing you the best in whatever you and Remi decide to do. I’m like you more than a little, monogamy is more than a little tough.. I mean, it’s not like you go blind when you get married!
@Sasha – This is virgo aka (lurker). You are welcome Sasha, I am glad that the information I gave you was helpful. I’m a very open minded person, objective and pretty resourceful and I like to expand people’s minds about things (as well as discuss things) that they may not be aware of, provided they are open minded as well.
The Ethical Slut is literally “the” handbook for polyamory, etc. Also, if you are interested, Dossie Easton (co-author) of The Ethical Slut did a mini-interview about their 2nd edition on youtube, which you can watch here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QZQAHvn7wZY (it’s 10 parts), perhaps in anticipation of your newly purchased order? Dossie is truly an amazing person and has a lot of insight and knowledge, which I think you’ll appreciate.
There is also a lesbian polyamory book titled, “The Lesbian Polyamory Reader: Open Relationships, Non-Monogamy, and Casual Sex by Marcia Munson and Judith Stelboum,” but I have not read that yet, nor do I know how good the information is within it. Of course, there are also a few other polyamory books that I have not read yet, but if you do a search on amazon you will see them.
@Jazmenha – Word. Nothing bothers me more, then when people judge others based on stagnate thinking and ignorant perspectives that do not have a logical basis for said perspectives. Even worse is when it’s done in the LGBTetc community. It’s like calling the kettle black, the irony is astounding.
@alice – I am glad that you found those resources helpful. Oh and on the whole “selfish” thing, there is nothing selfish about wanting your needs met, you just need to learn how to communicate those needs to your partner. On another note, this is strictly my opinion now, some may disagree here, but it is my belief that partners cannot possibly fulfill all your needs, they are not a “god” and they don’t complete who you are, you are already “completed.” Your partner/significant other merely compliments your completion. At any rate, what is important is that your needs are met in a healthy way, some people find hobbies to fulfill some needs, some people find friendships meet certain needs, etc. Figure out what you need to function in life and go for it in a healthy and communicative way.
“I am glad that you found those resources helpful. Oh and on the whole “selfish” thing, there is nothing selfish about wanting your needs met, you just need to learn how to communicate those needs to your partner.”
I agree with this, but I would point out that it can be selfish to expect someone who agreed to a monogamous relationship to open it up, specfically when your partner is just not equipped for polyamory. In this case, perhaps you are incompatible. It’s a bit of a tug-of-war, both partners have needs to be met, so how does one compromise? Basically, yes, on the individual scale it is not a selfish thing, but I would hesitate to say or suggest there is something selfish about not agreeing to it.
“On another note, this is strictly my opinion now, some may disagree here, but it is my belief that partners cannot possibly fulfill all your needs, they are not a “god” and they don’t complete who you are, you are already “completed.” Your partner/significant other merely compliments your completion. At any rate, what is important is that your needs are met in a healthy way, some people find hobbies to fulfill some needs, some people find friendships meet certain needs, etc. Figure out what you need to function in life and go for it in a healthy and communicative way.” I agree with this, in a way. I don’t think people are complete, many people, most people, what have you. See the “wounded animals” blog. I think it’s excellent to strive for self fulfillment, and that people would be a lot happier for it and better equipped to manage and interact within their relationships. I also agree that not any one person can (typically) fulfill your needs- but then, yes, that is what friends and hobbies are for. Being able to open up your relationship can foster an amazing amount of trust and bring about an even stronger relationship than before, I believe it really is one big trust exercise and it can and will highlight your weaknesses and your strengths as an individual and a couple.
I guess on a closing note I would just say:
Remember safety words? I think there should also be an open relationship safety word, in case one of you just sees and feels something that causes you the need to “stop!”
@Elegy – Sorry, there was a bit misunderstanding there. I should have clarified further perhaps. When I was speaking of selfish, I meant with respects to the individual and the generalities of that. When you have another person involved though, that’s another story, especially if you both agreed to an exclusive partnership, however relationships are not stagnate, they do change (as do people over time), so again, it’s about effectively communicating those needs with your partner. I hope that is a little bit clearer.
Ha, I actually almost wrote something on safety words, but I refrained because those things are talked about in the books I mentioned, plus my response was a little long and I didn’t want to derail further.
Sasha…I don’t know what to say…wow! Believe me…NO judgement here at all…just don’t know what to say. Love you!
@Virgo aka Lurker – so, basically what you’re saying is that people who have different morals and beliefs that you do is ignorant? What kind of world would this be of everyone Had exactly the same interests…a very dull one. Perhaps you are the closed- minded one.
*if everyone had the same beliefs
@Kay – No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. You are jumping to a conclusion that I didn’t even make, which is odd and I’m curious where that “attack” is coming from. If you needed clarification please ask me to elaborate, instead of attacking me with ad hominem’s, thanks.
“It also annoys me when people have their facts wrong or come from an ignorant viewpoint with regards to open relationships and polyamory in general.”
This is an excerpt from your previous comment. What viewpoint are you referring to? I had assumed( and please correct me if I am wrong) that it is referrig to the (ignorant) viewpoint of being against open relationships.
@Kay – The viewpoint I was speaking of was the ignorance people have regarding open relationships and polyamory in general. I understand that it is not for everyone (as I stated previously), but there is a lot of misinformation riddled with ignorance, disguised by people’s projections (judgments) of their own insecurities that I am speaking of. For example, “Polyamory is for cheaters,” “You can’t love more than one person,” “Your relationship will fail because x person had an open relationship and it failed, therefore yours will too!” and other such ignorant, illogical, sweeping generalizations and notions. This specifically is also the irony I was speaking of within the LBGTetc community. For many years the LBGTetc. community was told (and still is) that they couldn’t love another woman/man, it’s immoral, disgusting, et cetera, THEN in the same breath, you have that same ignorance being perpetrated by a group that you would think would be a little more understanding, hence pot calling the kettle black. It is like really now? This is what annoys me and whenever I get a chance to add an objective and non-judgmental perspective, to this specific issue, then I will do so, provided the people I am speaking to gives me the same respect I give them. Why does it annoy me? It is rather simple, not everyone identifies with their sexuality so clearly (and other things as well), it is not always black and white, yet when people see something different from what they are accustomed to, then comment in such a way that I described above, you make that person feel alienated, they can’t relate and it becomes a group of exclusive people when it could be inclusive. This also highlights the fine line between being in the closet and out, but anyways I hope my elaboration gave you some clarity.
Sasha –
I’m going to be straight with you. Opening up your relationship will be a bad idea…it will not end well.
I say this because I used to be a horrible cheater. I cheated on everyone I ever went out with…I’ve also had very nonmonogamous relationships…then, I realized, it wasn’t that I had a problem with monogamy (as I thought I did) …it’s that I wasn’t ever truly totally fulfilled in the person I was with. I was always…always ‘looking.’ Looking for something better or the next hot chick.
Well, long story short…I had to make a really hard decision, and I broke up with a seemingly solid relationship just because I just knew there was more. This time, I wasn’t going to be in any relationship until I found the *right one.* She walked into my life, and I’ve been hooked ever since. I am happy that I never compromised my standards, stayed out of safety/obligation, and she’s exactly my ideal in every way I can think of. Physically, sexually, emotionally…we click.
I’ve been with my current girl for 5 years. Totally monogamous, totally happy. I don’t even ‘look’ anymore…which is crazy for me.
I’m not usually the sappy type…but being all about the hot hookup, is really nothing like having that hot hookup for the rest of your life. There is something that leaves the relationship when you involve someone else in any capacity…and there will be drama. Trust me.
Saying that, even though I wouldn’t…you have every right to go for it…and if you do, I’ll look forward to kicking back and reading to see how it goes. It always starts great btw…
This statement by Jul, “There is something that leaves the relationship when you involve someone else in any capacity”~ hit home for me. That has been my experience as well. An element of (?) closeness, trust, respect, not taking that primary relationship quite as seriously as you once did, a wedge,…it seems to me a murky emotional landmine … then you double that potential risk with b/c two people are involved… for me, (unless the relationship was not that serious to begin with) the risk would soooo not be worth it.
Note: I’m using the universal form of “you.”
If you know that “something leaves” the relationship for you when you’re in an open relationship, and you’re determined to be in one, then discover and address the cause so as to prevent it. Or just don’t be in one in the first place.
I have read the very opposite happening: open relationships leaving the couples coming out stronger and more fulfilling than they were before.
Elegy –
I agree that you should address anything that you feel might be difficult ‘going in,’ but the truth of it, is that you can’t anticipate the effect. At first it is thrilling, enhancing, and awesome…then it becomes slowly deteriorative. You can’t anticipate how, but it does.
It will effect each partner differently, and the relationship differently than you’ll anticipate. I hear a lot of people say they won’t ‘get jealous,’ but they do, they watch as you seem to find the ‘new girl’ a bit more thrilling, you might all do things together – but there will be two who seem to click more, and other times people fear how close you might be getting to the other person.
I don’t judge people – I think they should do what they will…but with information from all sides. If you want drama, it’s here in spades.
I’m not embarrassed to say that one girl is a full-time gig for me. Understanding her needs, wants, being there when she has a bad day or taking her out to celebrate a victory…Girls come with lots of emotions – and unless you’re just banging her (and even then), you’ll likely get the whole package…the texts, calls, etc..ugh, overwhelming. I have too much going on to have to deal with that. To be frank, if you just want no-strings-attached sex…hire someone. It will be easier.
@ Virgo
I still am not fully clear why you think that people who believe differently than you are ignorant. I know that my thoughts on this issue are that open relationships are not a good idea. And to throw marriage into the mix as well makes it even worse in my eyes. But hey, I’m just poorly informed on the subject and may just be ignorant as well…so who am I to say??
@Jul
I agree with you wholeheartedly. I was definitely a player when I was younger. Never wanting to settle down. But giving yourself to that one fantastic person seems to me like a better option.
And as for open relationships… I agree that at first the nostalgia of it will be great. However, after some time the magic may fade and you may be left with less than when you began. The heart is a very fickle thing.
Personally, I wanted to thank everyone for their comments. I think this is a hard topic to generalize on since every couple and every situation is unique. I truly don’t know what we’re going to do … We are currently discussing it and will continue to research it and feel things out. ….. But I do love my wife more then anything and if she told me that there was even a slight possibility of losing her over this, I would never bring it up again. But she doesn’t think that’s possible and neither do I. Are we naive? I’m sure we are. But do we love each other? Yes!! And we’re communicating in a very open and honest way which isn’t always easy.
So please, everyone be respectful of others even if you don’t agree. We are all entitled to our feelings without feeling judged. I want this to be a safe forum to express things we might not feel comfortable expressing anywhere else.
1) Sasha, I think the manner in which you and Remi are approaching this is very important, and I think you’re doing wonderfully.
2) While Virgo can defend herself, I do feel like she’s being misinterpreted. Here’s my impression.
Kay said: “I still am not fully clear why you think that people who believe differently than you are ignorant. I know that my thoughts on this issue are that open relationships are not a good idea. And to throw marriage into the mix as well makes it even worse in my eyes. But hey, I’m just poorly informed on the subject and may just be ignorant as well…so who am I to say??”
Virgo said: “The judgments from the other post made me shake my head. Open relationships may not be for certain people and that’s ok, but to project your judgments and your own insecurities onto someone else (in this case Sasha) is unfair. I think in these cases it’s best to remain objective and to stifle any judgment. And although I do understand the ‘concern’ in situations like these, concern is not synonymous with judgment. ”
And
“The viewpoint I was speaking of was the ignorance people have regarding open relationships and polyamory in general. I understand that it is not for everyone (as I stated previously), but there is a lot of misinformation riddled with ignorance, disguised by people’s projections (judgments) of their own insecurities that I am speaking of. For example, “Polyamory is for cheaters,” “You can’t love more than one person,” “Your relationship will fail because x person had an open relationship and it failed, therefore yours will too!” and other such ignorant, illogical, sweeping generalizations and notions.”
To summarize: it’s okay if open relationships do not work for you, it doesn’t work for every individual nor every couple. That however does not mean it will fail for this couple, or every couple. I think she’s also pointing out that people who have commented against open relationships are doing so while coloring it with their own negative past experiences with open relationships and personal habits, instead of solely addressing why this may not work for Remi and Sasha as a couple currently. In addition to this, the comments are not offering constructive ways and resources in which this could work, and are instead dismissing the concept from the gate, or at the very least just warning against it.
FTR, I also appreciate the warnings against it, as I know they’re coming from a place of trying to protect what Sasha and Remi have. However, I also understand that they may come at the price of coloring all open relationships as unworkable and symptoms of simply not finding “the one.” Which *also* implies (from my perspective) that Remi isn’t “the one” which I find rude, given just how much Sasha adores and deeply loves Remi. Of course I can comfortably shake off that implication, because I think it’s just an unintended association (see my first sentence).
@Elegy – I am definitely capable of defending my statements, but thanks for trying to get my points across and thank you for actually reading and “hearing” what I’m saying, it is much appreciated. Also, good summary.
@Kay – Where are you getting that I believe people who think differently than myself are ignorant? I don’t think that at all and I said nothing of the sort, in fact, I am stating the exact opposite. Please stop assuming what I am saying and actually read what I am saying. You are trying to create a straw man (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Straw_man), which is not effective. Until you actually understand the points I am making, then perhaps we can continue this discussion, but until then, I don’t see the point in furthering a discussion that is based on assumptions of what you think I said, as that would be futile. I really don’t understand why you are doing this, as I believe my points were pretty concise.
In any event, it was nice to share my resources to those who appreciated it and perhaps I was able to shed some light, as well as get rid of common misconceptions/misinformation, on this particular topic regarding open relationships, non-monogamy, polyamory and alternative relationships.
Well doll, I’m just catching up on all this now. You know me and the whole, what did you call it…? “player” thing. After actually falling in the unheard of L word for me, the idea of life going back to the way it used to be for me, scares the shit out of me. Was it fun?! Hell yes! Did I miss it for awhile?! Yep. But now I know what the other side of the fence is like and there isn’t anything I would risk that for. Have fun, and I can’t wait to read more about all of this!!