Life Throws Boulders

Long time no blog. So much has happened since I blogged last.

August 8. J and I got a call that a very good friend of hers was no longer incarcerated and she needed a stable place to be. J having always been available for this girl obviously jumped to the situation and started working on ways to get A here. it only took 11 days for them to figure out a way to do this. on August 19 A arrived by way of bus and J’s ex husband to my house. I quickly whisked her away to go pick J up at work with me. J was so excited and jumped up and down the second we got there. J was celebrating a birthday in a week and I didn’t think there was anything else she could have asked for. Unsure of how I was going to react to this person that I’d only briefly heard about I was weary at first. A seemed to be ready to start some other portion of her life….she had trouble sleeping for the first week. Three years sleeping with the sounds of silence makes for a hard way to go. So a few days before J’s birthday we took a nap together. All three of us. O swear it was like A hadn’t slept in years. They both slept like babies. A made an offhand comment about needing a trio relationship to be happy. And I took it all wrong….We went to the bar later that weekend to celebrate J’s birthday. We saw a drag show and I tried to put my heart into hooking A up with someone else. But it just wasn’t happening. And so the trio was born that night. With J and I thinking we were strong enough to handle a third person in our relationship. Someone who lived with us. Who loved with us. And who generally wanted to build a life with us. I realized this was going to be a problem when I told my mom and J went ape-shit over it.

I would have been happy with both women by my side. Could have been. A was a lot of what I wasn’t getting from J. Warm, affectionate, sexual. most prominently submissive. What I said in A’s eyes went. End of story. no discussion, no argument, I was Dominant with her. More butch that I’d ever felt. Our conversations were very easy, so simply did we communicate in fact that very rarely if J was home did we even need words. I tried to get J to open up and join on our easy going relationship and forms of communication, as did A. J wanted no part of it. As far as she was concerned we were having a relationship without her. Which we weren’t intentionally. At least it didn’t start that way. I t didn’t become that until we all got in this huge blow out fight and J told A that she never wanted the trio. Never wanted to be in a relationship with A. Only wanted to use A to keep me. Which I think is incredibly fucked up. I never presented A as an ultimatum to J. Nor would I have left J if I couldn’t have had A. J and I obviously had more issues than I thought. I couldn’t take the bullshit anymore. i told J I was leaving. A said no trio no me. So essentially if I left she left. So of course J blamed me for that too. She was going to lose me and her best friend all in one shot. I was ready to leave shortly before mid October.

I got home from work one day and A met me at the door. said let’s go for a walk. Now that usually means there’s a serious issue we need to address or she can’t take whatever drama is at home. I soon found out this was a serious issue walk. Despite everything we had both been through over the last couple of months. A wanted to give the trio another shot. I couldn’t believe it. After everything we had talked about. The way that J was so hostile even when attempts were made to force her into this bubble. A had some hope. Some thought, that this would be the shot it took. After a long conversation and some persuading on her part she convinced me to stay. So we went home to tell J. I told her I was going to give her one last shot. That I was tired of being told one thing and shown another, so if she wanted to be with me or us then she had better prove it. So we went to our son’s football game that night. They were on their way to an undefeated season, and he was so excited. Even more so when he saw us show up with his mom. I was supposed to leave during his game.

J was good for the whole time we were at the game. At halftime we went to smoke and J almost collapsed. She wasn’t able to walk or even make coherent sentences. A and I half walked half carried her to the van and off the hospital we went. That night they admitted her. And A and I stayed all night. I slept most of the night, having been at work early that morning I was pooped and I knew A was taking care of J. sometime in the middle of the night I woke up to A telling me to switch spots with J. The hospital bed was making it impossible for her to sleep. I groggily agreed and moved beds, As I was laying down I heard an exchange between J and A that included J telling A she didn’t like her and that she wished I had left the night before. When I woke up I decided that’s just what I was going to do.

So I did. I left. I met my boy at the house and explained to him that things just weren’t working. Being that he was 17 he knew a little more about the complications of relationships than the 12 year old. He showed me his outfit for homecoming and said he understood and he loved me. I made sure he knew I just wanted what was best for him and his sister. And J. and myself, I told him he would always be my son no matter if he liked it or not and I would take him to lunch in a few weeks when I got settled.

Over the next few weeks I stayed with my friend Bethy. I didn’t have a phone because I couldn’t afford mine and Shaun’s and J’s and A’s. I had no way to be gotten a hold of and I liked it. Bethy let me use her phone for emergencies. Good thing too. November 1, 2012 I got a call that my son died. My mom called and said J had been trying to get a hold of me and had no way to do so. I fell. I lost an entire part of my heart that day. I hadn’t spoken to him since I left. I congratulated him on his perfect season. What were the last words I said to him?! Him to me!? These are the questions I asked myself. Questions I couldn’t immediately answer. I called J as soon as I could. I couldn’t believe this nightmare that I had just been thrust into. I waited, Two days before I went to see her, I had to. I needed to know where my head was and understand. We were broken up. Shaun was dead. I just couldn’t believe it. Many people assumed we were going to get back together, We didn’t. It’s been a horrible month since he died. I stayed with J for about three weeks. Helping her and our daughter assimilate to this new life. This nightmare life without the boy who made everyone laugh. It was hard. Horrible. Unjust. To have someone who was so loved, so respected in his community ripped away from your life at only 17.

J reamed me at the beginning. Saying I abandoned her and he was my son too. I should have been there from day one. On some notes I think she’s right. On some I think it was just to make herself feel better. He died on a Thursday. I visited on Saturday for the first time. On Sunday again. And then stayed after his public funeral on Monday until a few weeks later. I felt horrible. Like I had abandoned her in her time of need. Which was never my intention. But we weren’t together. Just parents trying to get through this tragedy. When I left her house she wanted to know where we stood. I told her nothing had changed. We could be friends. But nothing more. She tried and continues to try to strip me of mine and Shaun’s relationship. Her daughter won’t speak to me. God only knows what she’s said to her about me. It’s hard. My son is dead. and the daughter I raised for an equal amount of time isn’t speaking to me. All J wants to do is fight and run her mouth about me. So I’ve tried to cut ties as best I could. But I’m close to Shaun’s friends. and I’m close to some of the parents. It makes things harder.

I just wanted to pop up and write. I have a few more blogs. Just not typed out yet. The picture I sent Sasha is the first picture Shaun and I took together. I miss him everyday. I love him more than life. The other is my memorial tattoo.

11 Responses to “Life Throws Boulders”

  1. Esmeralda December 8, 2012 at 3:07 pm Permalink

    Wow. I am so sorry for your loss K. I cannot even imagine all that you must be going through and I have absolutely no idea what can be said in moments like this. Lots of love, hugs, and positive energy your way. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

  2. k December 8, 2012 at 4:29 pm Permalink

    That should totally say the last picture he and I took together. Not the first.

  3. Elegy December 8, 2012 at 5:11 pm Permalink

    :(

  4. Raye December 8, 2012 at 5:31 pm Permalink

    K, I really hope that you can heal from all of this chaos. Sometimes pain and tragedy is meant to bind us together but when trust is gone, it simply tears apart an already weakened thread. Just know this… nothing was your fault. Don’t internalize the blame because J is only trying to grieve in her own way. She needs someone to blame and lash out against because there is no sense to make of something like this. I really think that the only one who could advise you in this situation is someone who has grieved a marriage and a child all in one month. The best any of the rest of us can do is offer our sympathy for your losses. Life is hard my friend. My condolences.

  5. Lee "ButchKitty" December 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm Permalink

    Wow, My condolences. I am so sorry to hear what happened. That had to be hard. I can’t imagine losing one of my sons. I wouldn’t want to go on. You are very strong

  6. Jazmenha December 9, 2012 at 7:34 pm Permalink

    :( wow that is just too much :( sorry u are going through all of that pain

  7. WWG December 9, 2012 at 9:29 pm Permalink

    I’m so sorry for all you’re going through K and for your loss. *virtual hugs*

  8. S.Maschera December 10, 2012 at 6:45 am Permalink

    So sorry to hear… :(

  9. bella in sydney December 11, 2012 at 11:14 pm Permalink

    My condolences as well. Sometimes life really just isnt fair.

  10. Old Skool Butch December 12, 2012 at 10:02 pm Permalink

    I lost my step daughter when she was 16 in a car accident. No one truly understands the loss that we, as step parents feel. Everyone (rightfully so) consoles the birth mother but they often don’t realize that we loved that child as if they were our own. My complete sympathy goes out to you for your loss.

  11. Femmelover December 15, 2012 at 8:35 pm Permalink

    So, sorry K! Not your fault at all… :(

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