After self-medicating last night with a few extra sleeping pills and some prescription strength Ibuprofen for a migraine, I got some very medicated sleep. Slept in late and woke groggy. But as I drank the giant cup of coffee Remi put in front of me, I took a mental inventory: Migraine? Gone. Mood? Better … calmer …. slightly melancholy but nothing a cup of joe won’t fix probably. Body? A weird quirk in my neck and shoulder, but nothing too bad. “I think I’m OK” was my final verdict.
So I settled into our morning routine, happily content that today was indeed a new day. Remi sat on the edge of the bed with her coffee and the dogs. I sat at my desk, sipping my coffee as I read the comments and emails to Remi. This has become our habit whenever we have a leisurely morning together. Followed by me, looking at my to-do lists and informing Remi of what I need her help on that day. She’s amazingly patient with me and never seems to tire of my need to run through schedules and plans with her, even if I just had five minutes ago. I don’t know what it is, maybe it’s the fact that I don’t have much faith in myself being able to actually stick to any real schedule, that causes me to be consumed with them. I have literally been obsessed with agendas, calendars and day-planners since I was a very uptight little girl.
Remi’s anniversary present to me last year, of my ipod touch has more then paid for itself in the countless numbers of journals and planners that I no longer buy, thanks to the many app designers that must be as OCD as I am. Because another part of my obsession, is the moment I would “fail” to do anything I had written down, whether it was an errand, a work assignment or merely eating more calories then I had promised myself I would, I would rip the page from the book.
No, I couldn’t just erase it, or even white it out. I would feel compelled to rip it out and I would try so hard to rip it out perfectly at the seam so that you couldn’t even tell there had even been a page there. You couldn’t tell that I had failed. If there was no sign of my fuck-up then I could start again, with a clean slate. But any tell-tale sign that I had indeed been such a total and absolute loser, like a bit of the page left in at the crack or even imprint of the writing on the next page and it wasn’t good enough. Or when I had done it too many times, and when you closed the book you could see that there were missing pages … well … well then I had to throw the entire book away and buy another one. I could not sleep knowing that there was something giving me away like that. Mocking my failed attempts at a scheduled, perfectly planned life. It would drive me crazy until I got a new planner. It didn’t matter if I had just bought that one the day before, it was soiled. It was ruined. I had failed yet again and if I kept using it, it would taunt me and be a constant reminder of my past failures.
So we spent a lot of money on paper products. Until she bought me my ipod. Which of course, true to my obsessive nature I quickly bought every single app ever created for productivity and scheduling. But between a buck and three dollars a piece, even that extravagance wasn’t as pricey as my old habit. And eventually I had every app they made so the spending was under control.
Now, I can obsessively make lists and schedules and when I can’t do what I planned on doing at a specific time, I simply move it to the next day. No torn out pages, no scribbles, no white out, loudly mocking my pursuit of normalcy. None of that. Just a simple “move to” button and it was as if it had always been there. Like magic!
While the voices in my head telling me what a fucking looser I was for even having to postpone this or that …. they were quieter now. I guess without their physical proof they once had, in the form of the crumpled papers in my waste basket or gaps in the pages, they were a lot less prone to follow me to bed. Where they would usually only get louder once the noise from the television was off and the rest of the world went to bed. Except for us. Me and my voices that never shut up, that never stopped judging me and telling me what a horrible person I was because I didn’t get to the gym that day.
Where was I when I started this blog? …. I’ve already forgotten my train of thought.
Oh yes … I was writing this as an update to my mood because I hate to worry you guys and you all have been so kind. I wanted to let you know that I was better today. Was being the appropriate word.
But as the day matured my grip on serenity loosened and I felt that familiar feeling of slipping …. or falling …. falling back into a dark place where no one can find me or see, or hear me screaming. The horrible thoughts came back and it seemed as if it took all my strength to not give in to them. The logical part of my brain, barely holding on. The easiest tasks today felt impossible to even comprehend, let alone accomplish.
Remi’s home for a few days, so she’s working on a few little projects. Like hanging curtains and blinds. I knew I should be helping. I should be doing something but all I could do was sit there and watch her. Trying desperately to stay there, with her, in the living room and not get lost inside the bad thoughts.
This is stupid. I feel stupid for this. I shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t post this blog but I am because …. I don’t know why. Because I’m honest and honestly, this is what’s happening. I try to keep a stiff upper lip and when I can’t, I hide. Which means I hide a lot. But this blog is …. well … it’s an online diary and if there’s any place one shouldn’t hide, it’s in your diary.
I’m waiting for Remi to get home, she ran out to pick up dinner. Before she left I was crying and told her that if it weren’t for my dogs, I would check myself into the hospital tonight. But I can’t bare to leave them …. I would worry too much and the worry alone would make it impossible for me to rest. I would break out like I have before and walk home in the middle of the night just to make sure they were alright. Don’t bother telling me it’s not rational. I don’t care. I don’t even believe in Western medicine, it’s never helped me. It’s only made things 100 times worse. But when I say, “I think I should go to the hospital” it means that I no longer trust myself.
How sad. To not even trust the only person, one usually can.
OMG… That journal thing- we are OCD/Anxiety twins. >.O And now I really want an iPod Touch and all the apps. I thought they were stupid, but now they seem like a halo. o—o! Too bad, now I’ll have to forget this perfect device exists, as it will taunt me.
I am happy you are willing to be this vulnerable. It makes you something so many of us fail to be on our own, honest with every fiber, not just on the outside. I feel what you feel, maybe not in the exact same way because I have depression and anxiety, and OCD, but in a very similar way because of it. I know that feeling where everything weighs that same, and there’s so much of it that it just crushes you. I only recently discovered the concept that maybe I should prioritize what I value on a sliding scale of one to fifty, so that if I can’t do something so mundane and simple, it won’t hurt so much, I want feel like such a failure because it isn’t worth as much. I keep everything in my head, not on pages. I try to write it out on pages, but that just triggers my OCD and man. I could write an entire journal, but I’ll try to keep it short. It’s relentless, and kind of creates cognitive dissonance when on the one hand you genuinely are confident, like yourself, and for the most part like where you are, but on the other hand you could stab yourself for all the things you’ve done, but more importantly all the things you failed to do. That *normal* people could do, without any pills. :/
And no, I don’t take my pills. I forget to, or I subconsciously purposefully avoid them, because I hate them, and don’t feel like I need them. And I don’t. Not in my opinion, but I do know exactly how I sound from the outside looking in.
Dear Sasha My heart sincerely goes out to you. OMG I wish I could do something to help you. You writing this blog is NOT “stupid” it is expressing where you are and what you are dealing with. You are NOT “stupid” you ARE human, real, honest, beautiful soul in this VERY difficult place that I respect and understand more than you know. And you SHOULD post this and whatever you want to blog because this YOUR blog and your “diary”. Girl I ABSOLUTELY care about you- SOOOOOO many people care about you- and I do NOT want you to feel alone in going through this even for one minute. Remi loves you SOOOOO much. You will get through this not just one day at a time but taking one minute at a time. And that IS ok. So many people in this world (including myself) are just barely making it so you are NOT alone in feeling like this, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Do what is best for you- be going to the hospital, or be it staying at home, doing whatever YOU need to feel better. OMG I wish I could jump through the computer and watch your dogs for you guys if you wanted. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me any time you need a friend. I AM ABSOLUTELY HERE FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please do NOT feel badly for writing this blog- it is ok I promise NO ONE will judge you for writing this and if they do they will have a HUGE line of us to go through! Hugs! Hang in there my friend.
SASHA – NO ONE IS NORMAL- NO ONE
trust me on this……(I personally am a fucking mess lol thought that would make you smile.)
I’ve never commented before. Hi everyone
I had to comment on this one because it was like you were inside my head! My crazy fuckedup OCD self hating self. I’ve never admitted any if that to anyone before. I can’t believe your courage in being so utterly vulnerable & honest. You should have a book deal! I love your writing so much. It really touches the deepest parts of me. Thank you.
I’m not bipolar, but oh man do I know how you feel right now. I’m contemplating learning how to meditate again. It’s necessary. Hugs.
Sasha – Your writing is so raw and honest and important…and it took a fucking hell of a lot of courage to post this. You make so many of us feel less alone, and less fucked up, because we can see ourselves in your words. Thank you for sharing so openly and writing so eloquently, even in your darkest moments.
Please, please ask Remi to call Emily for you asap (if you need me to send her info again, I will, or have Remi email me). Her work is amazing and you don’t have to do a thing other than let her do her thing (and if you have issues with strangers touching you right now, the STR work doesn’t involve touch, it can even be done by skype). If you’re at the point where the hospital is a consideration, it’s worth a try. And get Remi to reorder for you if she hasn’t already. You have tools that can help you – I know it’s really fucking hard to do one single thing to help ourselves in the midst of depression. Somewhere inside you found the incredible strength to post this. And Remi is there for you, so lean on her for this.
Whatever you do, please don’t be alone, even once Remi returns to work – not until you’re through this. You just came out of a manic run and this is the very hard fall that was to be expected. There is nothing wrong with YOU, you just need help to get your brain back on track and get you through this safely.
At the very least, promise me you’ll have Remi read this.
Please take care. (And as always, please tell your voices I said to fuck off…sometimes if I scream that at them, it actually helps a little…I think the depressed ones are afraid of anger.)
With me, it was grocery lists. I could absolutely handle all of my other OCD organizing details with Outlook Calendar and Project, etc., but when it came to grocery lists, I had to write them out on a long, lined piece of paper that was produced exclusively for that purpose. It had to be ink and not pencil, too. Which really sucked because I tried to organize the list by the aisle layout in the supermarket I shop most in. If by chance I forgot an item, I couldn’t go back and squeeze it in between the other items, noooo. I had to start all over again. If I screwed up by misspelling the word or even if the loop of my “e” was too big so it looked like an “l”, it was back to square one because I could not stand so see things crossed out, or written over. Once I got to the store, if those bastards dared to switch their aisles around I became an anxious mess. I would note the changes and leave the store so I could go home and FIX the little layout map of the store I had by redrawing it. For some reason, I couldn’t shop knowing the the map at home was now incorrect. I would then painstakingly rewrite my list again before I could head back to the store. All of this is past tense because I was able to change my cognitive reasoning. My OCD got so ridiculous that I would fall apart at the slightest unexpected change. I got tired of being upset and FORCED myself to change. Inside somewhere, the little nagging worry wart is still running around. Now I only hear the patter of its feet upstairs every now and then. It is easier and easier to ignore completely, and when I can’t, I just remind myself what it is. In a way, I’ve become OCD in trying to overcome it. I am just too good, without fail, about immediately changing the subject when my mind starts to pester and nag about something. It’s like switching the channels on TV. It’s convoluted because if I don’t do it, I feel like a failure hahahaha!
I understand about your dogs, too. I have dogs and I am a bit obsessed with them. I am VERY GOOD at taking care of them, and they’ve got my number. They are VERY GOOD at sending me on guilt trips, and when I HAVE TO leave them I go into full blown high anxiety about letting them down. One dog knows me so well that he body slams the front door when I leave. I hear thwumpa, thwumpa, thwumpa…and I HAVE to go back, which only reinforces the behavior but something in me can’t let him down. Always for just ONE more smoochie and another biscuit.
So don’t feel alone in your quirkiness. You’ve got some real good company right here.
Jaz- I don’t think so! I have OCD, and I am a procrastinator!! It is because I am also a perfectionist. I constantly strive for impossible standards, and then postpone doing them because I know they are unreasonable to expect of myself. Then I rush to get them done in as best a fashion as I can, try to dismiss all the HORRIBLE GLARING (read: minute, probably) ERRORS, and then allow things to pile upon each other again. Repeat.
Sasha, you worry me so much. You sound so much like my sister used to sound like. She also struggled with eating disorders & cutting. I noticed that whenever her anger was extreme she would turn it all inward and look for ways to punish herself. She wasn’t always OCD but when it kicked in, her eating habits would take a dive and well it was always a bad and fast spiral.
I can’t tell you how important your writing is. You’re a breath of fresh air in an image conscience world. Beautiful women like you actually have it the worst. You’re expected from an early age to “be perfect” and to be whatever society deems beautiful. And because you already are, society piles even harsher, more critical standards for you to live up to.
I love your writing. It’s hard to read because I know my sister had those thoughts and felt that way too.
Elegy Oh that does make sense and must be very challenging. I am sorry you and all those who have OCD have to deal with that. I know that you know from who I am that absolutely did not mean any disrespect by that. I am a horrible procrastinator and then have major anxiety about getting it done but my procrastination is from depression. Anyhow I have total respect and total empathy for anyone who suffers from any condition that makes this already challenging life even more challenging- I myself am definitely in this category. Wow, life is not an easy journey for anyone. Well wishes and prayers to/for everyone.
@ Elegy Pls note that I sincerely didn’t mean any insensitivity by that
I was only trying to say that no one is “perfect” and that just by being oneself you ARE being perfectly who you are and that is totally ok to be just who you are. hugs.
Jaz, no worries on this end. I wasn’t offended- it takes a lot more than that to get under my skin, and I know you have a heart in the right place.
I was just letting you know that I would not wish OCD on you, it isn’t always advantageous.
Elegy- Thanks for understanding what I meant-sometimes I don’t word things correctly and then I have panic attacks at how it was taken- maybe that is a form of OCD?? Anyhow, I would absolutely not wish OCD or any condition on anyone. I have post-tramatic anxiety and post-tramatic depression and those are enough for me. I am very empathetic towards anyone’s pain and it hurts me deeply to know someone like Sasha (or anyone) is going through what she is going through.
JLampley, can we ask how your sister is doing now? Perhaps some things that have helped her could help Sasha and the other women on here that identify with her struggles.
I don’t have bipolar but you’re a captivating writer and I’m a huge fan! I hope you feel better soon!
Jaz, I feel we are also similar. I have anxiety, and depression. I honestly can’t tell which came first, they are so hand in hand. It is likely that what you have could be an expression of OCD. The most common things are list making, or certain routines that must be done. For example, I have an irrational numbers game I play with digital clocks. I also have a thing about washing my hands, and a thing I have about them being too dry (symptom of over washing, lol). I have that paper thing Sasha talked about (to a different degree). Oh, and I also have mild dyslexia. XD
Most of the time I’m fine with being normal, I just can’t take that sometimes my lack of being normal… I can see it as a weakness. And like I said, irrational or not, I hold myself to a certain standard.
OH! Another thing I do, Jaz, is that I am *hyper-focused* I’m like a frickin’ doberman guard dog. I am *intense* with whatever I am focusing on. Be it a color I like, a certain hair style, body product, I learn as much as I can and then talk about it nonstop. I’ll even repeat the same sentence (or version of it) for weeks on end. I also conduct experiments, and make observations daily (even if it’s just to remark on no change, and talk about possible future results). My mom and friends are very kind for humoring me.
LOL, wow. I just realized how stupid that sounded. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, DUH. ^.^; But I’m going to post it anyway! I hope I’m picking up some of Sasha’s beautiful earnestness.
Elegy, yeah I think so too. My anxiety is 2 fold – first from a series of post-tramatic events and secondly major anxiety at something I say being taken the wrong way and then hurting someone (my best friends all think this is very funny bc as they put it I would NEVER say anything to hurt someone). I realize that one has NO control over how others take what they say, but still I get a lot of anxiety from this. I think this is really stupid to think like that I do but I can’t help it. My depression is from the same series of post-tramatic events.
I do not have bi-polar and I do not have OCD, but my OMG do I have EXTREME empathy and TERMENDOUS respect for anyone who does.
Elegy- My “I think so too” is in ref to your “Jaz I feel we are so similiar”
Sasha- Please let me know if you need anything- email me. Please get some rest. Hugs!
Correction:
Most of the time I’m fine with being normal,
Should read:
Most of the time I’m fine with not being normal,
Jaz- you’re a very beautiful person.
That whole anxiety thing, it will go away in time, if you work on it. I still have anxiety, but we know that there are layers to it. People judge, whether we’re striving to stop, or just don’t care to stop. Good, bad, pretty, ugly. All judgments, but I prefer the positive judgments because they do help people shine. I got rid of most of my people pleasing layers, but I still have a few in regards to how I look, and how I will look in the future. I’m not comfortable going into too much detail, so I’ll use a metaphor. Say I have short blonde hair, and I want to have long green hair. I really love the green hair, and know in my heart that I should do what makes me happy, as long as it isn’t unhealthy to my body, which I respect. Still, there is this outward part of me that is currently just a little bit louder than the strong inner me, and it is afraid that people will judge me (and they will, duh) for my decision, and more pressingly I won’t be able to take it. In the end, it’s all pretty shallow, but how much can it really be helped? Besides being responsible for yourself, not much at all.
@ Sasha- As you can see from all of your CCL writers comments above- we love you, we support you, we all have issues so you are NOT alone in feeling like you are the only one and above all dear Sasha- we are all just who we are and that is TOTALLY ok
Hugs- good night. Hope you feel better every minute.
True that! And when you can, exercise and dance! I remember you saying that those were one of the only ways to really get your mood up and consistent.
Your blog is one of the few things I check on occasion and the reason is because of your admitted bipolar disorder. There are times I would like to check myself in for scientific study as to why I act the way I do, why moods that hit you and myself happen. There are no words I can say that will make it all better but you know what keeps you going, there is something I know since you have made it this far and with a life to be proud of even with all the mistakes. Im going through one of my rough periods but reading this blog today inspired me to get some electronics! My room is a clutter of notes and disorganized thoughts and a good electronic organizer like a damn iphone(which i hate to follow the crowd) would help.
Sasha – I’m so sorry this is happening. All you can do is keep holding on and trust that this too shall pass. I also try to steer clear of western medicines when possible, but it is also important to know that, while I do believe we live in an overmedicated society, those medications are there for a reason. I struggle with depression (i know.. who doesn’t these days) but it has become severe in the past. While I prefer natural combinations, such as the St. John’s Wort and 5-htp combo mixed with exercise, acupuncture & yoga, I have had several points in time where I have HAD to turn to the western medication to protect myself from myself. This is not a failure, it’s an internal recognition.
You can handle this. Please continue to be safe and know that recovery is a slow but foward moving process.
JLampley – You hit the nail on the head. I haven’t heard of a bipolar person who wasn’t a perfectionist from a very young age. We tend to be the kind of people others are jealous of for various reasons (beauty, intelligence, popularity, etc.), and yes, that makes the criticisms that much more harsh. And the punishments we dole out on ourselves even harsher.
Sasha – I sent you the info again. Please show it to Remi – I think this is her last day off? Have her call Emily and get you in today. And please know I’m happy to share more detail around what’s working for me – I’ve been pursuing alternative treatment since March and have not had a major mania/depression since (I have had minor episodes, but they are getting shorter and easier, as my ability to identify things early on improves). You can do this. You are so smart and so fucking capable. Just get the help you need to see the light at the end of this particular tunnel.
At the very least, please do not be alone until you feel you can once again trust yourself – that you can identify that and honor it is a sign of your enormous strength.
Just a quick note that anti-depressants (even natural ones, such as St. John’s Wort) are extremely dangerous for bipolar people. They make us cycle back up to even more intense manias and then often down to even deeper depressions, and make things far worse. (Ryan, I know this obviously isn’t the case for you, since you mentioned you struggle with unipolar depression – just wanted to note the difference for anyone looking for alternative treatments.)
Sasha,
For a year I have been fallowing your blog even reading all the back posts and more then once just the stuff you write has scraped me off the floor when my girlfriend left me. Thank you. There is nothing I can say other then may the goddess bless you and hold you in her arms ’til you find your center again.
Sasha I hope and pray you are doing better today. If you aren’t, please know I am here for you and continue to root for your strength and well-being. Just a quick side note on alternative ways of helping ourselves- have you ever tried accupuncture? I have been doing this 2x week for years regularly for depression and my spinal spasms (these are 2 are unrelated conditions) anyhow it has been amazing! Not sure if that would help for you, but it might be worth a shot to ask your doctor what they think about traditional Chinese accupuncture. Since mine involves the spinal spasms too, it hurts like a “mother” to get done, but I put up with the pain because it is literally the only thing that helps me. Also want to suggest reflexology in the hands and feet. Sending positive thoughts of strength and love to you. Hugs my friend. Jaz
Sasha – See, reread Lucky’s comment and all the others – you and your blog have helped SO many people. You and your blog are SO important. You have an entire world in cyber space that is moved and inspired by your bravery, strength, honesty, caring, vonerability (my spelling sucks as everyone knows by now lol) to be true to yourself and to others and by your personal stories- trials, tribulations, successes and general life happenings. Take a break to breath, to regain your strength. Do you whatever you need to do, but whatever you do do NOT give up on yourself because you have ALL these people who are cheering you on through whatever comes your way. Jaz