Sometimes so much time goes by between episodes I start to think was never really sick. I start to tell myself that maybe I was never really bipolar. Maybe I was just depressed. Maybe all I ever needed was someone like Remi to come into my life and heal me with her love. The healthy, stable days can stretch out before me for weeks on end and the dark, deadly days I once lived through like a nightmare I couldn’t wake up from seem more like a mirage in the distant desert of my memory.
That lie starts to give me hope and I start to plan my future around it. If I can be “this productive” every day then there’s nothing I can’t do! I make big plans and dream about lofty goals I had long given up on. I can see my future with Remi, and how proud she will be of her successful, healthy wife. I thank God for all the blessings in my life. Everything seems to be bright and shiny. I look in the mirror and I don’t hate what I see.
Life smells sweet, like jasmine in the night air.
Then I come crashing back down. I don’t just crash back down to reality. I keep falling so far past reality, into a hellish existence where everything is black and I lose control of myself.
It’s a reawakening of sorts. It’s like waking up in a glass coffin and seeing the world disappear under the crushing amounts of dirt being thrown on top of you. It’s just a reminder of what I really am. It’s a loud voice screaming inside my head that says, “You will never be normal. You will never be ok. You will never get away from this. You will always ruin the most important days in your life and the lives of the ones you love. You are ruined. You are broken.”
I recently had one of these reawakenings in a hotel room, in the middle of nowhere. Remi and I were out of town visiting some of her family. Something as simple as a weekend trip can start to get to me. It starts out as a little knot in my stomach when I hear we’re going somewhere. I’ve always hated family functions, even my own. Or any function really. Just to give you an idea, I was Valedictorian of my high school class and was supposed to give the commencement speech at graduation. I had it all written out, I’m not afraid of performing (which is bizarre because I’ve always been able to act or dance in front of huge crowds). But the day of graduation, I couldn’t go. Both my parents were all ready to go and waiting for me when I simply announced, I wasn’t going. I let my parents down, my teachers and my classmates. But I felt like I would rather kill myself then go.
That has been a theme throughout my life. Missing important events or braving them, only to fall apart at or right after. And when I fall apart, it can be very dangerous and sometimes bloody. I have the scars to prove it. I have scars over scars. It seems like they’ll never heal sometimes. Times like these I can’t understand how Remi can love me. I fear that it’ll one day drive her away. She’s only human after all.
So yea. I fucked up another event. Just call me Debbie Downer. I finally hit my breaking point and tried to leave in the middle of the night to go home. Remi and I got into a huge fight and when she left me alone in the hotel room I lost it. I totally and completely lost it. She must have felt something because she came back for me. She realized then what was really going on. She packed everything up, put me in the car and drove me home in the middle of the night. She’s my saving grace.
Walking to the car in my pajamas, holding my favorite pillow I took with me from home and feeling like a lost child, that voice raged inside my head and it reminded me of what I was arrogant enough to lose sight of for a few days, “You are ruined. You are broken. You ruin everything and you will never be normal. This is your life, don’t kid yourself. You will never be ok.”
Wow, had I not gone to a professional seeking help for my depression way back in high school and early- college, I myself would sooo think that I have bipolar. Nope, just depressive tendencies and a deep case of the Geminis (I kid). I feel the same way sometimes, that wow, I get into a slump and I become my own worst enemy, and my biggest heckler…to the point where I create the realities I fear in my head and loathe to deal with. Unfortunately, holidays tend to be bad for me and are triggers for depression, and I get into a slump and for me, what may be a 2-3day slump results in a 4-6 day aftermath of making up for the lack in productivity for those 2-3 days. I can only imagine how difficult it is wrestling with Bipolar I. You are very, very courageous, inspiring, and make me feel like, it is okay to feel out of control, it is okay to struggle; it is okay to feel overwhelmed; but having a plan and working through it and getting support from those who matter most will see us through to the brighter days. And thats what I take from your posts; and I think its good inspiration and a great message from those of us who don’t have bipolar as well.
Two of my friends are in a long-term relationship; one has bipolar, and her girlfriend stands by her side in support. I directed them to your blog; hopefully they too can take comfort in your posts and see that they’re not the only ones.
It always breaks my heart a little to see how tough you are on yourself about your disease. I mean, I get it – as much as I can – but it still makes me a little sad.
You have a very real health condition, sweetie. It is part of your life, just like living with cancer (which I’ve done, albeit second hand). Only instead of throwing up physically, you throw up mentally. It’s not something you can control. It’s not something you should apologize for. It’s just something you live with.
Remi knows who you are. She knows about your disease, and she helps to take care of you the best way she knows how. I doubt very much that she holds it against you – if she were that kind of person, you wouldn’t have married her.
My advice remains the same as it always has in response to these posts. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It’s a vicious cycle, but it does cycle back into the sunshine. Just enjoy the sunshine when you’re there. The rest will take care of itself.
xoxoxo
Jolie I love, love LOVE that line…’Be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. It’s a vicious cycle, but it does cycle back into the sunshine. Just enjoy the sunshine when you’re there.”
That made my morning; I needed to hear that. Sasha everyone’s rooting for you! Even us on the East Coast!
Sasha Keep your head up. I don’t have bipolar but I do have very bad post trumatic depression and depression because of my other health issues and so I understand to the core how incredibly difficult it is. It is very hard to do but I try (often w/out success) to tell myself I have … it doesnt have me. Sasha hang in there. I’m rooting for you so now u have people on both coasts
rooting for u! Wow u are sincerely brave to share your stories you never know how many lives you will Foch and help with your courage. Go Sasha go Sasha go Sasha!!!!
Typo AHHHH- “Foch”??? Really iPhone you’re killing me “Foch” isn’t even a word!
thanks guys, I’m ok . just not sleeping. but ok.
Dear Sasha, your writing is hard to read because I can relate to it to intimately. I feel so lost and hopeless. I searched for lesbian and bipolar and your blog came up. Thank the goddess because I’ve been up all night reading your bipolar blogs and it’s helped me so much tonight. Thank you Sasha for being brave enough to tell it like it is.
Now you have people on both coasts and in the middle of the country rooting for you.
I want to say that I know how you feel, that I know bipolar is tough to deal with and that our women really are angels to be there for us over and over.
Not only do we eventually cycle into the sunshine, (Thanks for that Jolie!)but in our darkness, we need only reach for the sunshine of our families, be they the ones we make or the ones we were blessed to be born into. You’ve got a family of friends on here, and we’re here for you.
Sasha, you ARE OK and you ARE Normal. Yes, you have a challenging condition but that isn’t YOU. It’s easy to fall into denial when things are going good, only to meet the wall when things swing back the other way. Just the reminder of it, “this again?”, would be enough to push anyone into depression, which is a NORMAL reaction. Panic at the impending approach of another downturn is NORMAL as well. I dare you to look around you THIS INSTANT and you will see that you are OK. The earth did not open up and swallow you. You are right there in your own house with your beloved puppies and the world is outside and can’t get in. So breathe that reality in. You’re safe. I will tell you right now there is no point in thinking about that ruined weekend – that’s in the past so don’t obsess and let it go. I will also tell you there is no point in getting anxious about the future – as in, you will NEVER be normal. Focus on the NOW and where you are in reality at this very moment. Look around you. What is so earth shattering about being in a cocoon of love? You got two babies to love on and a wife who has proven her love over and over who will be home in just a little while. Keep up with the supplements. Don’t forget them at times like these even though it’s easy to just say “fuck it, why bother” – don’t give in to that – just take the damn pills. When the panic starts to rise in your throat, breathe as deep as you can and hold each breath for a second or two, Sasha, and reject the thoughts trying to get into your brain by combating them with reality. When those evil demons taunt and mock you and tell you things that are untrue, open your eyes and look at the now and the reality around you at that moment. You’re safe and sound. You got your pillow. Breathe deeply and slowly and keep telling yourself the truth – that you are OK. No one’s coming to your door to put you on trial, you haven’t broken any laws, you’re free. You have a lot of people who love you just as you are. Believe me when I say, we all SEE you when you lose sight of yourself so just come ask us when you feel like you’re not normal. We’ll tell you. You ARE.
Sasha, you’ll be okay. Did you get that tattoo yet? Are you taking those pills that another poster recommended consistently? Don’t hate yourself if you can’t finish the checklist, just aim to get one or two out of twenty to consider yourself a winner.
I used to want to be, to grasp this thing called “normal.” It’s not comfort sitting in the knowledge that normal doesn’t fucking exist. We want it anyway, because it means “safe” even if it doesn’t mean “happy” or “real.” :/
*Used to, and still do.
Sasha –
Maybe your friends or whomever isn’t going to tell you straight, but I will – you need help. What you’ve been going through “isn’t” normal, and if you don’t address it, it will end up ruining your life. You won’t be able to be productive, you’ll sabotage your own success, it will just keep taking from you, and it will hunt you and continue to rear its face until you take care of it.
Maybe you’ve had suck therapists in the past…but you need a team, and you need to stick to it. Try without meds and do counseling for a bit if you want…but get help from someone who actually knows their stuff.
There are a lot of cutters out there – it’s dysfunctional, and I know a lot of people who struggled with it in the past. But you know, there comes a point where you don’t want to be an adult and still be stuck in that place – unable to deal with intense emotions and not able to cope. Aren’t you sick of the drama? Isn’t Remi?
Get help Sasha…there are a lot of therapists out there, and a lot of them suck, but it doesn’t mean they all do. Get a chick who will back you against a wall, not let you charm or escape your own stuff, and hold you to it. Do it for yourself, and do it for Remi. As painful as it might be for you, I’m sure it’s painful and difficult for her as well.
I thank God that I’m not afflicted with the type of suffering you go through, and when I knew friends who did have it…I watched them crash and burn over and over again. They’d always have some lame ass excuse for not taking care of themselves, and eventually, I just couldn’t keep being a part of it…you just become an enabler, rather than a good friend.
Spend the money, do what it takes, and take care of it. My one friend saw an amazing therapist, and I watched her heal after years of crap. She’s got her own home in Santa Barbara now, a rocking gf, and an amazing life…others I know, are still stuck, filled with excuses, momentary happiness, and lying to themselves that it will pass.
Get help.
Sasha, I know this is hard for you. I noticed that the blog went down 404 for a while, and I’m glad it’s back. I hope you are hanging in there and building the support you need.
<3!
Thanks everyone, its nice to know I have compassionate readers and friends. But I’m OK, really. I wrote this about last weekend. I have since felt a lot better since being home. But I try to be as honest as I can on here, because of the letters I get that aren’t left in the comments section. Believe me, its not easy to admit this stuff. Sometimes I regret it, but then I get an email thanking me for making someone feel not so alone, and I feel like I have to do it. Plus, I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t share my bad times right along with all the good times. Which I know far outweigh the bad lately, thanks to my amazing wife.
And Jul, you were right. I haven’t been taking the only supplement program that has ever helped me. But I’m back on it today, due in part to your brutal honesty. Thanks
…. seriously. Its not easy to hear how the world sees you when you feel like that.
I hate more then anything for people to feel bad for me. THAT’S NOT WHY I WRITE THIS. I write it for the other people like me, so they know they’re not the only ones out there.
Elegy, you were right, I took it down for a few hours because I was uncomfortable with the sympathy and pity. But reposted it because I am always striving to be more honest, unflinchingly honest actually. And this post was nothing if not that.
BUT IM OK NOW. I SWEAR.!!!! I even pinky swear!
You are so brave. I could never, in a million years, put my shit out there like you do. There’s no one like you. Not anywhere.
I wasn’t going to comment because I don’t like to talk about this stuff with anyone. But that’s part of my problem too I suppose. I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 just like you Sasha. I’ve been in and out of the hospital because meds aren’t working for me yet. Like you I’ve been labeled medication resistant and I feel like my doctors have given up on me. I was about to give up on myself one last time. Laying in bed thinking about how to do it, I have it all planned out. I got a text message from my cousin and she sent me a link to your blog. I started reading it and I couldn’t stop. It made me cry and laugh and cry some more. For the first time ever since my diagnosis I don’t feel like such a freak. You’re so much like me I can’t believe it! Except that I don’t have a Lubby yet, but knowing that you do and that you could be my emtional twin gives me hopenthat someone mind love me still, faults and all. Scars and all.
I just wanted to say thank you. You have made a difference in my life and I thought you ought to know that.
I know/knew you are ok and I have no doubt you will continue to be ok because you are SASHA!
S- strong. A-ass kicker of life challenges. S-special person H-honest
A- a survivor and thrived of bipolar.
Sasha I agree with Rexie OMG you are SO INCREDIBLY BRAVE!!!! Your deep openness and unconditional honesty is truly amazing!! I received horrible/personally earth shaking news from my last week long stay in the hospital for my spine/back injury and I’ve been totally avoiding my best friends since i returned because i can’t even bring myself to tell them this painful news so I can not even express how in awww I am that you’re brave enough to put all your stories, trials, pains,successes out there for so many readers to read and learn about. Your strength gives so many readers like Robin a place to turn and realize they aren’t alone in their own struggles, stories and pains, successes.
Bipolar is like the chicken-and-egg question of which came first. With bipolar, does the chemical imbalance or the negative self-talk come first?
They’ve found that before a person becomes bipolar, they typically experience (if i’m remembering correctly) three or so minor cycles which may or may not include mild mania. If the person is treated at this stage, there is a good chance that they will not become bipolar. If there is no intervention, the fourth (or so) cycle established bipolar.
It seems that, at least in the examples you gave above, it wasn’t coincidental chemistry that brought on (or preceded) the crash, but negative self-talk. It seems like the talk came first and the chemistry followed. So my question to you and anyone else suffering bipolar is, who taught you to talk like that to yourself? And please forgive me if I’m off base, but I believe we are taught how to talk to and how to treat ourselves. And maybe it isn’t the case for everyone suffering bipolar, but I believe there is a trauma or a history of trauma that sets this off. And please, please, please forgive me if that’s not the case for you. But maybe for someone this could be helpful. There are tons of women who have had trauma that will not remember it until later in life. And often, the ugliness of that trauma gets turned in on herself with violent words and actions and self-loathing. The reason I think this could be helpful is because once a person understands that the ugliness belongs to someone else (and this takes a HUGE amount of courage to face, especially if it involves a family member), the anger can come to the surface and be directed at the proper person(s). And then maybe the “voices” will become less frequent and can be answered rationally when they do come.
I’m not bipolar and I’m not an expert, although I have had first-hand experience with a couple of major episodes of depression. So I kind of understand about negative thinking and self-talk and where it can lead. But looking back, when I ask what brought me out of those episodes, I have no answer. They just ended. Which leads me to believe there was a brain chemistry factor involved. I can also see all the junk that was going on in my head that may have helped lead me down that dark path. But if I still had that negativity, how did I come out of my depression? Maybe the body’s natural healing ability works in the brain also. Like a school kid who is exposed to a lot of colds and flues gets a cold and then gets better, then gets another cold and gets better. Maybe the negative talk/imagination is like a hand that holds the head underwater, but the body’s natural buoyancy brings it back to the surface. I wonder if dealing with the self-hatred would be like removing the hand that pushes you under.
I think Jul is right. It’s worth it to go through the elimination process of finding a good therapist who knows what they’re doing. A good one can help you see things from a detached and rational perspective. They can help you see when you’re being hard on yourself. You can air the things that you think are so shameful about you and find that she didn’t run out of the room screaming. And she can help you take responsibility for what’s yours and to leave what’s not yours where it belongs.
Even if you can only afford to go once a month. Find someone who has a sliding scale. Do what you need to do to give yourself a fighting chance. And if you have a hard time taking care of yourself, remember that just as we are taught how to talk to ourselves, we are taught how to take care of (or neglect) ourselves. If you don’t think you’re worth taking care of, you need to make up some new rules. And come up with some good responses to the voices that tell you it’s too much trouble (which is just another way of saying you’re not worth it). Yes. You. Are. Yes you are. Yes you are.
Sasha, your strength astounds me. and Remi is such an amazing and beautiful being for stickin’ by you the way she does. how miraculous that she knew to come back to get you!
i’m glad you’re doing better. hope you can remind yourself to stay on your supplements. i know i need my vitamins and a regular work out to keep me going
i get a little ahead of myself and think “oh what’s one day.” then, it’s just one big downward spiral. i start eating fast food. BLAGH! the house gets a little messy…it just goes on. i have been in such a funk lately because i’ve slacked on those regular everyday little things. ugh it’s ridiculous!
what did ever happen to that tattoo idea of yours?? some kind of a reminder could be helpful.
With due respect to all commenters, I must simply state that depression and bipolar disorder are both chemical imbalances. The person who experiences episodes of either is not in any way in control of the occurrences. They are physiological in nature. As such, attacks would always occur prior to any resulting negative self-talk or feelings. It would not be the other way around. People who are afflicted are not in any way responsible for their condition. There are coping techniques they can learn to implement if they are able to thinking clearly enough while in the grip of such an episode. There are traditional medications that work for some and not for others. Some people have successfully stabilize with alternative medicine or ayurvedic approaches. Stress is a big trigger and some people do well when they learn to manage their stress loads so it is not internalized. When someone finds something that works, consistency in employing that method is key to maintaining longer periods of peace. Having a strong support system is important because when an imbalance begins to happen, it changes thought patterns and causes mental chaos. Trusted people are a first line of defense in quickly turning the tide before it turns into a major episode.
Sasha – Glad to hear that you’re doing better, and getting a different take on things. You know I’m just looking out for you…who else is going to make my day with posts that make me think? Your openness is brave, and thanks for just putting it out there…that’s one of the many reasons you’ve got so many people hooked on your site.
…I’m rooting for you.
Sasha – My completely biased opinion…you are not ruined, you are not broken. And you DO NOT have a disease.
You are sensitive. You are tuned in. You have a “different” way of being in the world.
I so feel your pain and frustration on this front. This is my exact m.o. for travel, important events, etc. I mortified myself and my wife last summer when we traveled to the east coast to see her best friend and then my best friend – it was just too much, too fast, and too not on terms that acknowledged and made room for my sensitivity. And I totally lost it. Being out of our homes and out of our routines is much tougher on us than most people. That combined with the weight of “important” days is just asking a lot of us. We have to have permission to say “enough is enough” and take the space and time we need. I’m really glad Remi realized what was going on and got you home.
There is nothing wrong with the way we are – there is only something wrong with a world that doesn’t make room for us. That rushes us along, expecting us to suck it up and act “normal.”
Well, what the fuck is normal? And if we were all normal, what a boring god damn place the world would be. Devoid of much art, music, invention, spirituality, and so on.
And, of course, this is all so much easier for me to say to others than to remember myself in my own freak out moments. Keep on keeping on, sister.
Rexie – Actually, the “chemical imbalance/broken brain” theory was disproved years ago. Our neurotransmitter function is usually quite normal, and when it’s not, it is usually a nasty side effect of psychotropic meds. Everything else you said is pretty spot on – thanks for being such a fierce advocate for us bipolars.
I was wondering when you’d show up, Natalie. Glad to see you. I am pretty familiar with this condition as I have a brother and a sister who are both bipolar. My brother experiences more frequent episodes, but they are less severe and shorter in duration. My sister has infrequent ones, but they are mega when she does have them. Growing up with both of them, I am became so tuned-in that I could sense an impending episode by just their facial expressions. The air around them just seemed different. My brother was more defiant to treatment, and still is. My sister has found what works for her, but there are times when stress and unfamiliar surroundings and routines will induce an event. I seem to be the only one able to break through and lead her back to stability. My sympathies extend because the general public is unaware and uneducated and that creates intolerance and an inhospitable culture in the world at large.
I agree w Rexie and add the general public is not only unaware and uneducated but also tremendously unempathetic and extrodinarially uncompassionate. I am also a huge advocate for those surviving and thriving w any form of depression and bipolar. I have very bad post traumatic depression and my cousin is bipolar. He unfort has experienced no help and no understanding instead he has ran away and is homeless – location unknown to us who want to reach out. So Sasha you willingness to raise awareness, compassion and understanding is so invaluable.
Natalie –
Sorry, but you’re full of crap. Bipolar disorder is a disease…but one that is no different than Asthma or anything else. Do you think Asthmatic people just have “sensitive” lungs? Sure, they can learn to avoid triggers, cope better with symptoms, and manage their life more effectively, but at the end of the day, people with asthma still have asthma…their lungs function differently, and to live optimally, they may need to make some adjustments.
Bipolar disorder is not just a perceptual difference. Meds/supplements help, therapy helps…it’s not just a sensitivity or a difference on the spectrum of normality – it’s painful, and it’s people who say that it’s not a disorder, that begins to cause stereotypic responses like “just get over it” or other such nonsense. Because, if it is just an element of controlling yourself…why wouldn’t anyone choose to just feel great? Wouldn’t it make life easier if someone could just “snap out of it?” But, they can’t…it’s a process, and it requires management – just like asthma, just like anything else. It doesn’t have to hold you back, but you’ve got to do your part…because it’s not going away. Maybe insurance should stop covering “treatment” if “there’s nothing wrong?”
Read some medical journals, heck, even read natural health journals…the only people who dispute that bipolar is a mental illness seems to be people who haven’t yet effectively dealt with their own issues. But, your thoughts go against every medical organization out there…the theory stands that it is a difference in how the brain and/or neurotransmitters function…please show me any major medical organization that says otherwise.
While I agree with you that Sasha and others with bipolar are neither ruined or broken, I think they struggle with a physical ailment like many of us do…it’s just in a different part of the body. I don’t know where you get your information, but it’s wrong.
I’ve dealt with debilitating depression for decades. I can relate to the feelings of futility that you shared. Fortunately, however, I’m blessed to have a strong, supportive spouse to turn to. One reason that I write comedy, is to escape from depression. But it’s difficult to remember that the sun will shine again, when you’re being bombarded by clouds. I agree with the other comments, that you’re neither “ruined nor broken.” It’s just a challenging, bio-chemical condition that you were born with.
Jul – I get my information from being Bipolar I, with psychotic tendencies, much like Sasha. And from endless research, therapy, pursuing alternative treatments, successfully recovering from psychosis without meds, finding increasingly stability since being diagnosed, etc. I speak from a place of knowledge and firsthand experience. And, for what it’s worth, Sasha and I have had enough personal correspondence about our very similar states for me to know my words neither offend nor scare her. When we are in a vulnerable state, experiencing an “episode”, it becomes difficult to maintain a healthy and realistic perspective on who we are. I was simply providing her the same kind of reminder she has so generously provided me in the past when I needed it.
If you want to check out where I’m coming from, feel free to peruse my blog. Either way, please don’t chide me for being “uniformed” about my own condition. It is the western paradigm of “mental illness” and the medicalization of the full human experience that needs to change, not us. If you wish to inform yourself on this front, I highly recommend the following resources (there are more listed on my resource page):
Anatomy of an Epidemic, by Robert Whitaker
The Myth of Mental Illness, by Dr. Thomas Szasz
The Icarus Project
MindFreedom
Take care.
Natalie –
A lot of people are uninformed about their own conditions…and your sources, unfortunately, don’t bode well. None of them are from any major medical sources, and none would even hold up in a peer reviewed academic journal or current science. For example,” The myth of mental illness” by Szasz was found patently false, especially after we developed machines like MRI’s and PET scans which clearly show affected areas of the brain. People used to think that those with Schizophrenia were just “crazy” and Szasz said they had “adjustment issues with society,” until MRI scans showed that their brains were actually structured differently (enlarged ventricles, increased grey matter, etc…), and PET scans showed them actively using areas like their auditory cortex when no auditory sounds were audible to others. You see, Natalie, there are biological origins…
While I understand that believing your perspective might make you feel better about your condition, it isn’t accurate…and EVERY MAJOR MEDICAL organization supports my perspective. If you want to be all philosophical and just believe that illness is a “western” construction, go ahead, but it doesn’t change the facts.
I think those that struggle do indeed have unique perspectives on the world, I admire their courage and fortitude to face the things they do that I will never know…but the origins of their unique struggle, are resoundingly biological.
Everyone has the freedom, however, to believe what they wish. That’s why you see people smoking cigarettes despite labels and scientific warnings that it may cause cancer…people believe what they have to sometimes. I don’t fault them for it.
Jul – Your insistence on speaking from a place of self-proclaimed authority and “knowledge” about a condition with which you have no firsthand experience speaks volumes. It’s much like hearing people for eons viewing Deaf people as medically flawed and in need of constant care (dregs of that misguided medical paradigm unfortunately still persist, and make Deaf discrimination a sad reality even now).
As with any type of sweeping social change, shifting the dominant paradigm and view of mental illness is slow and painful. Contrary to your statements, my resources are quite sound – Dr. Szasz’s work has been roundly condemned by the very system which he challenges, which is always the case when a visionary dares to speak out (and by the way, Carl Jung spoke along the same lines…do you also view Jung as a hack?). Szasz’s views are slowly but surely taking root throughout the world of psychiatry, which is in large part why The Myth of Mental Illness was republished in 2010 with several new essays.
And Robert Whitaker’s work is a thorough analysis of all existing peer reviewed, medical studies from major medical journals conducted in the last 50 years on the topic of mental illness. The data has *always* been there, but because the big pharmaceuticals have always held the power (and the enormous purse strings), the truth has been covered up for decades. He talks about the very scans you cite, and the studies within which they were conducted – and it turns out that those neurological changes are not observed in schizophrenics who have never been medicated (who, by and large, go on to full recovery). It’s the psychotropic meds which cause the damage, atrophy, etc.
The Icarus Project and MindFreedom are advocacy organizations doing amazing work, founded for and by folks diagnosed as mentally ill. If you want to dismiss us as anything less than experts about our own bodies, minds, and souls…yeah, again, that speaks volumes.
Another great resource is The Open Dialogue program in western Finland, which treats psychosis and mental illness largely without meds, using therapy, support systems, etc. They have an almost 100% recovery rate for schizophrenia, bipolar, and other psychotic disorders – something unheard of in our western medication driven treatment paradigm.
A blog that covers all of the above and more is Beyond Meds, an amazing and thorough resource for anyone diagnosed with any mental illness, or anyone looking to provide meaningful insight and support to loved ones.
Go on preaching the dominant paradigm if you wish, while rejecting alternative views and research – you certainly have plenty of folks to keep you company and make you believe you’re “right.” But just realize your view is not unlike homophobes of the recent past who justified their views about all of us queers by pointing to the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), which classified homosexuality as a mental illness until 1987. Society’s view of us and our views of ourselves make all the difference in the world for mental well-being, and for whether or not we are able to find peace and stability.
Let me just say that I am enjoying this discussion, and am glad that CCL is a platform. I’m learning a lot.
Thanks for making me smile amidst all the oh-so-serious discussion, Elegy.
This is why I never joined the debate club when I was in school.
Natalie –
you say “Your insistence on speaking from a place of self-proclaimed authority and “knowledge” about a condition with which you have no firsthand experience speaks volumes.”
First, I just want to say that you don’t need firsthand experience to have mastery. For example, you don’t need to have a brain tumor, to understand what they are, and how to deal with them. That is ridiculous logic. I don’t see only flu-sufferers when I have the flu, and don’t see only people who have allergies when mine flare up (maybe you do?), and I am perfectly willing to assume that people who have studied and have mastery of a subject might be quite capable if not more have a more objective perspective than a sufferer would. I certainly don’t want my future alzheimers treated by an alzheimer’s sufferer. But, hey, at that point I won’t even know the difference…so bring it on?
Secondly, yes, most in the psychological and psychiatric community see Jung as a philosopher, but not a practitioner. He’s seen more as a wonderful interesting thinker but not a serious theory for practitioners to use in real-life. Notice there isn’t really a plethora of Jungian therapists out there. A “collective unconscious,” are you kidding me Jung? Look it up. It’s ridiculous.
Then again, look up Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy founded by Aaron Beck…it’s one of the most effective therapies for Depression and Anxiety disorders. It has literature/studies for days. It has helped millions without medications, and it has scientific backing to support it. It’s based on modifying thought patterns – real issues, not Jungian fantasies.
Szasz found even Schizophrenia to be a “problem with society”…when come on, we clearly know that although society can be terribly stigmatizing, the auditory hallucinations come from within. We know that their brain is structured differently from MRIs. We know that it processes information differently from functional MRIs and PET scans. We know that excesses of dopamine cause similar symptoms in even the average person.
I’m truly sorry that you seem to have gotten caught up in the faulty philosophies and mistaken past notions of what mental illness is thought to be. While there are “cutting edge” treatments – like vitamins, etc..all recognized medical theory concludes that it is a biological disorder. You can’t help what you’re born with, what your biology is, and what your predispositions are…but you can choose what you want to do with them.
People certainly have the right to believe what they wish, even when their beliefs are misled.
But hey, I have no stake in this. If you want to believe that the sun is purple, that Santa is truly bringing your presents, why should I care? I don’t struggle with this. But, truth be told, the people I’ve seen who believe as you do have stayed stuck in it…and those who used other methods have seemed to conquer it. They aren’t writing about bipolar disorder, because it isn’t even a part of their life anymore…it’s so well-controlled it’s virtually absent.
I hope the same for you. Everyone deserves a kick-ass life.
Wow, I have to say that I just read all of these comments for the first time with Remi by my side and we are both so impressed with everyone but especially the dialogue going on between my two friends, Jul and Natalie. You are both brilliant women and your intellectual prowess is freakin’ sexy as hell!
On a personal note, I just want to say that it was Natalie that directed me to the current supplemental program I am on, that has proven to be the ONLY thing that really works for me. That along with some other, more spiritual methods of dealing with life in general. She and I are very much on the same page about this, because our personal history and personalities in general seem to be so alike, she has been a great support to me and I am forever grateful for that.
Jul, you are also a brilliant woman and I was awe struck by the debate between you two. I have always held to this …. this …. ughhh … my words aren’t working because I’m sleep deprived. Please forgive my lack of vocabulary tonight. But basically what I’m trying to say is that some people are helped by Western Medicine. And if that is the case for an individual, that good for them. I’m happy for them and I have never told someone to NOT look into that. But I do encourage people to research the meds the doctors want to put them on, themselves and to not just blindly follow whatever regimen a doctor gives them. Because personally, I have been put on meds that are particularly noted to NOT be given to people with heart conditions. Which my doctors, didn’t listen to me or read my chart when I told them that I had one. If it had not been for my own research I could have died of a stroke or heart attack. (two years later, several of the medications I was on at one time or another have been recalled by the FDA and are now involved in class action suits for the people it killed or permanently damaged.) So again, I just urge people to take do research on their own behalf, talk to their doctors and work with them, to get the best treatment possible.
But that still leaves people like me, who the medical world basically gave up on. I was labeled ‘medication resistant and the various therapies they put me in didn’t work. In fact, a lot of the time it made me worse. So for people like me, and there are others out there …. there has to be an answer. There has to be some other kind of treatment. And I believe there is. But just like I don’t believe Western medicine works for everyone, I can accept that alternative or holistic therapy might not work for everyone either.
TO EACH HER OWN.
And some might say, if holistic therapy worked, why do I still have breakdowns? Because I stopped doing what was working. because whenever I get better, I start thinking I don’t need it anymore and then I crash. But the same happens with medications. In fact, even lithium is not a cure. It only reduces episodes, at best. Not to mention the potentially life threatening side effects which is why when you’re on lithium you have to have blood tests done 2x a week to make sure, it’s not causing irreversible damage to your organs.
Anyways, I really didn’t want to get into a debate with these two lovely ladies. My point was, each person is on their own path and what works for one, might not work for another. I am open to any new research on this topic from both sides and I really enjoyed the informative debate between you two. Thank you both for being such bad ass, intellectual women!
Yes, exactly, to each her own. And thank you, Sasha.
I sometimes check out the lesbian blog roll and I noticed your post. I find it comforting in some sort of way to know that I’m not the only one, especially after my attempts at dealing with psychologists that have looked at me as though they were stumped and what I put my gf through. Spring semester I did surprisingly well and aced all my classes and felt as though, hey maybe I can make it into the UC of my choice to transfer to and get back into the real world. I have what it takes, right? My hope faded this week as the stress piled on and I broke down and yet again felt as though I am doomed to forever be in this state of cycles that go up and down. I cried not because of the way I broke down but because of the loss I felt, the loss of a productive life where I am successful rather than just fighting to get through the day. As unlikely as it seems I still have hope and I write this because I hope that you continue blogging if not for your readers then for yourself.
KeepinOn, you are not alone. Sasha has been brave enough to put this out there for people like you and for me. I felt hopeless when my therapist threw me out of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) because I lost my temper at the inane attempts to basically “just face my fears.” if it were that simple, I think that a lot of us would be cured. But after being on every medication they could throw at me and then getting kicked out of group therapy, I felt like I had no more hope. I started searching online for support or anything and I stumbled upon this particular post. I cried as I read it because it’s me. It’s exactly how I’ve felt a million times. I have two Masters degrees in American Lit and history. I’m not stupid. But this disease, or way of being (I loved what Natalie said) whatever you call it, has almost beaten me. But then reading Sasha’s blog and feeling like, wow, there’s other women like me and they have lives and loves and the things I want in my life.m
I’m going back now to read all your archives. I’m hooked.
Thank youf Sasha for giving us a voice.
Sasha –
We agree! I am a huge fan of supplement programs (nonwestern meds, nutriceuticals, etc..) for mental illness…but understand that the reason THAT they work, is because it is chemically changing the way things (the brain) functions. If you look in my posts I have never advocated the necessity of western *medicine*, just the biological understanding of the affliction.
To say that mental illness is not a biological illness, is just crap. The fact that supplements even help supports that view. But just because I understand it is a medical condition, doesn’t mean I think it has to be treated in traditional ways. Natalie doesn’t seem to think that it is a biological condition, just a “problem with society” type of thing that Szasz advocates…and if that were true, supplements sure wouldn’t make a difference. They do BECAUSE it is biological in nature.
…and LadyLuck, sorry you had a suck therapist. There are a million of them….but do the research, if you have fears, CBT is the most effective thing out there.
I just wanted to clarify.
…and Sasha, thanks for the compliment. I’d like to think my girl chose me not only for my sexy brain, but my sexy bod…
Jul – I never said there was zero biology, I simply said I do not believe it is a disease. I believe, due to much ongoing research, that what we bipolars (and many “mentally ill” folk) experience is actually a complex combination of any/all/some of the following: changes to our nervous system (due to trauma, etc.) which for many of us occurred when we were young and our brains were still developing vital connections and ways of functioning; coping mechanisms that were modeled for us; trauma/stressors/life changes at some point which trigger initial “episodes” that are big enough to be diagnosed (because many of us can look back and see our bipolar ways of being in retrospect, even prior to a major depression or mania).
There may also be some genetic predisposition – but because I do not see being bipolar as a disease, I do not see this as a bad thing. There are many, many positives to being bipolar, once we find stability, wellness, and peace. But the struggle to get there, which is long and hard and confusing and painful, is made much more difficult by a treatment system which dopes us up, tells us we’re broken and ill, and does nothing to help us learn to truly help ourselves. A system that finds it acceptable to put us on meds which cause permanent neurological damage, and which cause us to die, on average, 25 years early, is a wholly unacceptable system.
And being bipolar is not like having the flu – it is a way of being, it is in our very souls, and it takes a fuckload of strength and determination to find our way through the thicket. Which is why it is impossible for anyone to truly understand what we go through and what we need without having walked in our shoes (and even one bipolar is not exactly like the next in terms of symptoms, treatments that work, etc.). There is a reason why many of us find things like meditation, yoga, etc. so fucking helpful – we are not talking a simple neurochemical imbalance (which, again, was actually disproved years ago). We are talking people who are different, who are sensitive, and who need to live more mindfully. Everyone could benefit from this way of living, but for us, it’s crucial.
We humans are fucking complex. Imagine that.
If you want to read up on the nervous system piece I referenced, look up Stephen Porges Polyvagal Theory and Peter Levine’s most recent work, “In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness.”
LadyLuck – Oh my god, do I hear you on the CBT!! That shit didn’t help me a lick, and actually helped kick me into my most fierce mania! (A therapist who uses EFT and much more holistic approach has been priceless to me.)
Ladyluck YOU are not alone I too was kicked out of counseling lol because I kept asking the therapist for a plan amd she kept saying that she doesn’t give plans it has to come from within and I told her “How can I come up with my own plan when some days I’m too fucking depressed to get out of bed???!!!” Yeah that didn’t go over too well. lol
I was not going to say anything but I just have to say that as a general empathetic approach that repeatedly telling different people who are living with conditions to “do the research” can come across or be interpreted as harsh and hurtfully assuming that those people are not advocating and researching for themselves. We are all just trying to play the best hand we can with the personal cards we have been given.
Dear Sasha,
Feel proud of yourself Mrs.! This one blog, which you at first found so difficult to post, is helping people. You are able to paint a portrait of your pain in a way people can relate to, and it touches them enough that, even if it is just for a moment, their suffering is eased. If this piece was oil on canvas, it would be hanging in a museum somewhere along with the works of other brilliant masters who did with paint what you do with words. You are a Superhero, Sasha. Face it. xoxo
I agree. With both of you. I do believe there is a biological component …. a big one ….. I am not a believer in Western medicine for most things … some things, yes of course. I do think that society has a warped view of mental illness in general. I do believe that the mind/body/spirit connection plays a much bigger part in the healing process, of all kinds of illnesses then a lot of doctors are ready to accept. But their denial of such things does not negate the reality of it, it simply leaves them behind. There are some doctors that have done research on both sides of the Eastern/Western medicine fields and realize that the Western medicine world has overlooked a lot of helpful wisdom and treatments that are not pharmaceutically based and are now supporting their patients in supplementing their treatment with holistic therapies. I find this encouraging.
So, for me, I agree with you both. A lot of bipolar people have an unusually high sensitivity and creativity in their souls. And traditional medicine usually kills that, unfortunately. I wasn’t willing to be drugged into a zombie stupor for the rest of my life and call that being “cured.” I would rather manage my illness with an uber healthy lifestyle, of yoga, exercise, mineral and vitamin supplements (because a lot of times, people like me have problems absorbing certain things from regular foods or have a severe deficiency, which can lead to a lower serotonin level, etc. etc. etc.) But I also find a close connection with what my creator, through meditation and prayer to be just as helpful in maintaining my sanity. I like to think that they all work together …… all of these things would benefit anyone, even a healthy one, just to make them healthier and calmer individuals. The difference is when I don’t do them, even for just a week, I can unravel and find myself at the bottom again. Trying to dig myself out. And that’s hard.
This is all hard. It’s a constant learning experience. I read all I can, studies in medical journals, metaphysical teachings, spiritual teachings, nutritional findings, everything I can get my hands on and I see that both sides usually leave out just a little bit of the picture. But when looked at as a whole, you can fill in the blanks. Everyone’s chemistry is different. Everyone will respond to therapies differently. But I do believe that there is more to living a healthy, balanced life then popping pills for the rest of your life. Not that anyone here, advocated that as a simple and only answer. I’m just saying ……
Rexie, thank you.
And LadyLuck, I too was kicked out of CBT therapy for losing my temper at group therapy, having to sit there while a bunch of women that, in my arrogant view at the time, deemed to be lacking even a basic education, insisted on telling me what they thought was wrong with me. I wasn’t there for a bunch of other women, just as fucked up as I was, but less intelligent (horrible I know but if you had heard how these women spoke you would get it), to sit there and have them analyze me and tell me what they thought I was doing wrong. When I told the therapist that this wasn’t for me, he got mad at me and told me I was being difficult to sit down and pay attention and to stop doodling in my notebook. But if I didn’t doodle, I felt like I would hit him. …… He went on to tell me that I had to do the very thing that scared me. If I was agoraphobic, to just simply leave my house and face my fears.
Oh yea, why hadn’t I thought of that??!!!! I’m cured!!!! There was the cure all along, to just “push through it.” <—– serious sarcasm there …… anyways after getting into it with my therapist, I left. I was then told by the head of the department that if I left this treatment, I would not be welcomed back for at least two years. And maybe not even then. I was also told that even if I stayed in therapy but refused to take medication (that they already had put in my chart was not effective, I would be kicked out of the program) When I asked why I had to take medicine that made me sick and didn’t help, they said because that was all they could do. To be tranquilized and easier to handle, to them seemed like progress. I haven’t been back since.
Sasha – The spiritual component is such a critical piece of what we experience, and it’s sadly not only left out of the Western approach, most docs think we’re even more “crazy” if we bring it up. And I so feel you on unraveling when I don’t stick to the things that maintain my sanity…it’s like I sometimes think I’ve suddenly become magically resilient, and that I just don’t *have* to find the time to do what I need to do. (And then suddenly I feel like shit. Go figure!) I constantly question why I am this way, but I’m starting to think that the universe can’t afford to have us “sensitive” souls tuned out. She needs us totally tuned in to help her get where’s she’s going. Especially now. And so we respond much more drastically to imbalance. That’s my theory for today at least.
“I so feel you on unraveling when I don’t stick to the things that maintain my sanity…it’s like I sometimes think I’ve suddenly become magically resilient, and that I just don’t *have* to find the time to do what I need to do. (And then suddenly I feel like shit. Go figure!)” This is me all day.
Sasha, you actually encouraged me to start taking my medicine again. I felt (and still feel) like I don’t really need it, but I do recognize that whenever I took it steadily, it would at least “take the edge off.” So, I’m going to give it another chance, among other things I’ve been neglecting because I don’t want to fall again.
Sasha your last two sentences u just wrote broke my heart. I can totally relate they loaded me up on valium for years and I was like a damn zombie.
Yay!!!!! Elegy!!!!! I’m so glad
Natalie ….. *huge smile* and *huge hug* soul sister
LadyLuck, I know what you mean I was put on all the latest medications and when I mentioned that I felt like a walking zombie, there solution was to throw more pills at me. It’s difficult to have faith in their profession when they don’t seem to take an approach of treating the whole person and leave you feeling as though they are trying to sedate you. I definitely agree with the use of previously mentioned supplement programs and exercise possibly used in conjunction with medications, at least when it works for the person. It hasn’t for me, yet.
I have bipolar disorder too. And I am unmedicated. The worst is the irritability. The impulsive being mean to people who have annoyed me. Instead of calmly telling them what they did, I explode and never speak to them again. Way to cut people out of your life and burn bridges, eh? But I exist as an emotional loner. sometimes I love it. Sometimes its scary. Either way, I’ll be alone, I think. That is more comfortable for me. If I could, I’d live in a cave.
Shannon 1981, I get what you mean. I have wanted to many times to just head for the hills. Literally. I actually have the financial means to do so but I know that I would be giving up emotionally by doing this. If you feel better alone for now I would say to just keep doing what works for now. The only caution I would give to anyone is to not get too comfortable. Comfort can be a dangerous thing for some of us, as well as too much stress. I feel like a bunch of us could get together and have some very interesting discussions regarding this, interesting disorder.
I just talked to my gf and mentioned how I feel about “strength” in our society or how it is perceived. It seems that “strength” is seen as developing some sort of callousness towards the world around us and those of us that seem to be easily moved are seen as weak. But I feel the true strength lies within the few individuals who are able to not only interact and thrive in regular society but do so with their humanity and compassion in tact and that I believe is rare.
Sasha Reading these recent posts and CCL in general I am learning so much about your bipolar and gaining so much genuine respect for your bipolar condition and for all those who have this condition. It makes me wonder can someone w severe depression and or severe post traumatic depression be prone to bipolar? I do not have mood swings ever except bad depression and I literally never ever get angry ever even when i “should” instead I get depressed- I get so depressed some days that I don’t want to get out of bed. I guess my main question- completely said respectfully and purely out of genuine wonder- what is the connection between bipolar and depression? I know it is bi so 2 types of extreme forms of depression or moods??? That is what I think the connection is is that rt? Again are those w severe depression prone to bipolar? Thanks Sasha.
Sasha I know bipolar is an extreme form of depression combined with extreme highs. So with that being said – can severe depression become bipolar or is this totally different etc? (NOT directed at Sasha- I will completely ignor all rude replies so do not waste your/my time w some nasty remark to my question.)
Jaz- I asked my mom about such a thing when I was worried about the many correlations I saw between myself and four other mental illnesses. She told me that I do not have any of those, however they (bipolar, depression, dissociative disorders) come from the same “place” in the mind and spirit, which is how so many people with different conditions can identify with each other’s struggles.
Sasha & Natalie – I’m afraid I wrote presumptuously in my comment. Thank you both for not jumping down my throat. I was in the middle of a downward spiral and was doing what I do to try and keep my head above water and thought I would pass along my helpful hints (I didn’t realize that the whole watching what you say to yourself was what they teach in cognitive therapy). In coming out of it, somewhat, I’m reminded (because I don’t see it or I forget) how out of my control, for the most part, this really is.
Since reading both of your comments, I’ve done some reading up on depression and bipolar. I was surprised to learn that the manic or hypomanic episode can be euphoria, or it can be irritability and even rage. I go through bouts of this as well as depression, but I’ve just always assumed the depression and anger were separate. And maybe they are; I’ve never really seen anyone about it to get a diagnosis because I don’t want to be on meds. I wonder how many people assume they don’t have bipolar, and therefore don’t seek treatment, because they don’t experience euphoria?
Natalie, thank you so much for your comments in which you included the books that were helpful to you. I will be looking into them.
Elegy thanks for your kind and empathetic post. I agree in the gift of being able to identify w others struggles. OMG I definitely get manic depression but for me it never ever involves anger ever actually I’m constantly told Im too mellow and asked why i didnt get upset about upsetting things. I guess its because half the time I’m too depressed to get angry.
Shit! I forgot my meds. >.< Once again glad for this site, and this post so I have something to remind me to keep on top of this. You're welcome, Jaz- I'm glad I was able to explain that plainly. I know I downplayed it because I was/am frazzled myself, but I'm happy the message got across.
I'm more the slow to anger, even slower to cool and forgive type- and the never forgetting type.
KeepinOn – “But I feel the true strength lies within the few individuals who are able to not only interact and thrive in regular society but do so with their humanity and compassion in tact and that I believe is rare.” Fuck yes. THAT. Exactly.
(Which is why I regularly refer to us as “sensitive”…we are incapable of covering up and acting callous – our sensitive souls won’t allow it! Not such a bad thing after all…)
Kenda – I had to go back and look, but I didn’t find anything in your previous comment offensive. You shared from a very real place of your own experience…that said, indeed, it’s so easy to forget how out of our control it can be until we’re back in the thick of it. For what it’s worth, even if you do see someone and end up with a diagnosis of bipolar, I would NEVER recommend meds. They should only be used for short-term crisis treatment – and even then, only as a last resort. There are many, many ways to pursue wellness that make you stronger and healthier (mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually), whether or not you have any diagnosis. (Meds often do just the opposite, causing neurological damage when used long-term.) Feel free to drop me an email or check out my resource page if you want more info. The books I mentioned are a great start – Peter Levine’s work is great for anyone and everyone who has experienced trauma of any sort, as his technique, which was designed to treat PTSD, works to reset what many of us experience in depression, bipolar, etc.
Natalie I am going to check out that book by PL for sure as my depression is connected to PTSD. I try everything to help myself and am still so depressed I know with a hundred percent certainty I will just stop trying.
Hey Jaz – So sorry to hear you’re in so much pain…depression sucks beyond belief.
For what it’s worth, many folks have used the same supplement Sasha and I use for bipolar (Empower Plus) to help with treating severe depression – their support people and website are immensely helpful for determining if it might be a fit for you. That combined with techniques such as those created by Levine have been priceless for me – and EFT (emotional freedom technique, check out EFTUniverse.com) has worked wonders for me in depression. The key on all counts seems to be getting to the root of where the damage/trauma began – even if we can’t recall it, we can find ways to heal it. But damn if it isn’t a trying journey filled with pitfalls and setbacks that make us feel like giving up. You’re really courageous – keep on keeping on!
It’s weird to go back and read this at a time when I feel so much like this post, all over again. But I can’t even remember writing this. :/