The following is by Guest Writer, M
I’m still new gay.
I have been out for about two years now, and haven’t really dated. I went from my heartbreaking coming out story (being in love with a closeted Mormon) to a relationship (with a fence-sitting divorcee) to single. So now I’m single.
I’m still working through the things that new gays work through. I watched the L Word when I thought I was straight and thought it was normal that I had a monster crush on Shane. (When in real life, I go for girls like Dana.) I watched the Real L Word with my ex-girlfriend and came to blame all of the crazy women on that show for making me look crazy whenever I tried to talk about commitment.
I’m still trying to watch every lesbian movie ever made, to my shame/excitement. I wish someone had told me how bad Lost and Delirious was. I really wish that. I’m never going to get those hours back. I love Lena Headey. Imagine Me & You was just a little too close to home. And until recently, I thought my crush on Clea Duvall (which for years I just thought was a “friend crush”) was unique and not just a symptom of realizing how gay I actually am. Ah, Clea.
I’ve read every Sarah Waters book. I bought a dress that had a picture of an angry cat on it and wear it when I’m feeling particularly proud of my dating choices. I’ve painted pictures of naked ladies. I’ve composed poems, both good and bad, dedicated to females.
I’ve only kissed one woman. I’ve only had sex with one woman. I love boobs and really love vaginas but I’m really scared of seeing new ones. I’m almost thirty and I am as awkward as I was when I was 14.
Rewind. Edit. I’ve never stopped being awkward. Just now, I’m a bisexual-maybe-a-lesbian-but-keeping-doors-open-because-love-comes-in-all-forms kind of awkward.
I’m new gay and dealing with my second lesbian heartbreak, but the first actual ending of a relationship. With this track record, I’ve lost two best friends. Two times, I have thought “No one has ever known me like this” and two times, I have lost those people. And it seems to get worse each time. I’ve read advice sites designed for teens coming out and find that I identify with them, because I haven’t felt this heartbroken since I was a teen.
Realizing you are gay in your late twenties is awesome in some ways. I had no self hatred because I already knew myself well enough to say, hey, whatever happens happens, just go with happy. But it really sucks in others. Every thing I thought I knew about relationships, even if it wasn’t working for me before, is different now. I’m good at some things I thought I was good at, but I’ve become a sort of relationship teacher. Showing people what they want in a relationship…with someone else.
I don’t know if this is new gay, or what happens when you emotionally grow up. I wish there was a handbook of some kind, or at least another Clea Duvall movie to help me deal with it.