Coming out

New Gay


The following is by Guest Writer, M

I’m still new gay.

I have been out for about two years now, and haven’t really dated.  I went from my heartbreaking coming out story (being in love with a closeted Mormon) to a relationship (with a fence-sitting divorcee) to single.  So now I’m single.

I’m still working through the things that new gays work through.  I watched the L Word when I thought I was straight and thought it was normal that I had a monster crush on Shane.  (When in real life, I go for girls like Dana.) I watched the Real L Word with my ex-girlfriend and came to blame all of the crazy women on that show for making me look crazy whenever I tried to talk about commitment.

I’m still trying to watch every lesbian movie ever made, to my shame/excitement.  I wish someone had told me how bad Lost and Delirious was.  I really wish that.  I’m never going to get those hours back.  I love Lena Headey. Imagine Me & You was just a little too close to home.  And until recently, I thought my crush on Clea Duvall (which for years I just thought was a “friend crush”) was unique and not just a symptom of realizing how gay I actually am.  Ah, Clea.

I’ve read every Sarah Waters book.  I bought a dress that had a picture of an angry cat on it and wear it when I’m feeling particularly proud of my dating choices.  I’ve painted pictures of naked ladies. I’ve composed poems, both good and bad, dedicated to females.

I’ve only kissed one woman.  I’ve only had sex with one woman. I love boobs and really love vaginas but I’m really scared of seeing new ones.  I’m almost thirty and I am as awkward as I was when I was 14.

Rewind.  Edit.  I’ve never stopped being awkward.  Just now, I’m a bisexual-maybe-a-lesbian-but-keeping-doors-open-because-love-comes-in-all-forms kind of awkward.

I’m new gay and dealing with my second lesbian heartbreak, but the first actual ending of a relationship.  With this track record, I’ve lost two best friends.  Two times, I have thought “No one has ever known me like this” and two times, I have lost those people. And it seems to get worse each time. I’ve read advice sites designed for teens coming out and find that I identify with them, because I haven’t felt this heartbroken since I was a teen.

Realizing you are gay in your late twenties is awesome in some ways.  I had no self hatred because I already knew myself well enough to say, hey, whatever happens happens, just go with happy.  But it really sucks in others.  Every thing I thought I knew about relationships, even if it wasn’t working for me before, is different now.  I’m good at some things I thought I was good at, but I’ve become a sort of relationship teacher.  Showing people what they want in a relationship…with someone else.


I don’t know if this is new gay, or what happens when you emotionally grow up.   I wish there was a handbook of some kind, or at least another Clea Duvall movie to help me deal with it.

This article has 11 comments

  1. Rexie

    *please pardon the following commercial* HEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHERE DID EVERYBODY GO??????????????????? It used to be a post like this would have already been buried with helpful comments, but now I can hear the wind whistling through the empty spaces and I swear I saw a few tumbleweeds rolling past just now. /end commercial

    Okay, M, now back to you……

    Just about every lesbian I know has this same story. It seems this kind of heartbreak is requisite to join the sisterhood, although, it usually doesn’t take quite as long for them to figure out that staying away from closet cases and fence sitters spells future unhappiness and heartbreak. You’ve done the reading, you’ve watched the movies, not sure if you’ve taken advantage of the wealth of information on this site, but there are several great and educational articles right here that also have a rich reader commentary about this very same subject. It seems the final collective verdict was that it is best for your emotional health to just stay away from women who are “straight”. Once that light goes on, YOU will undoubtedly figure out where the lesbians are and will methodically make your presence known until you get your feet wet. After that happens, you will abandon all caution and will just do a cannon ball dive into the middle of the wet lesbian pool. You will have a great time, you will find a real lesbian who can love you back. It sounds like there isn’t a male in your picture who you can go running back to if you get scared or realize you are not bi but are straight, and that’s a good thing because you won’t do to others what has been done to you. Some women also go through a buffet phase. Once they give in to the fact they are gay, and find where the girls hang out, it takes them about .5 seconds to forget their heartache and go for the all-you-can-eat. You will likely become a point on Alice’s connection chart at this stage, but you won’t give a shit because you’ll be having so much fun mixing pleasure with small little explosions of heartache. Use your resourcefulness and find out where the next big lezzie party is and just go. And then report back to us. Good luck. 😉

  2. cassie

    i agree, where is everyone? well M – The last thing I would ever want for a fellow women in society is to give up, to feel cheated and at the end of the road. Like you said, love comes in all forms, so do not limit yourself, however – you realllllly love vaginas and boobies. So use what society gives you, use online dating – – i found the woman i love through match, its very underestimated.

    Secondly, use yourself, reach deep down and find that outgoing person that you either do not know exist, or you do & you’ve lost her. Get out there, join a athletic league, go to the bars, join a book club. The first love of my life, and many gf’s after her, i’ve met through fellow straight friends with the “hey are you single? i have a friend you might be interested in, she is cool, we should all hang out” BOOM! connection.

    This world is so big, branch out, i just joined a softball league – hopefully from there fellow lesbian friends in this small DMV area will emerge.

    best of luck darling, love you, head up.

  3. Ashley

    You sound just like me. I’ve been out for 3 years now, but I still feel like I’m a new gay and I’m 21. I guess you’d call me a “baby dyke” lol. As soon as I came out I started dating a girl, then after that I got into a seriously relationship. Now that the relationship is recently ending, I’m just now really getting to be in the lesbian dating scene. And I’m like “how do you do this?” I can’t even approach a woman, for not knowing if she’s gay or not. Or simply because of nerves.

  4. Lea

    At least you all have dated I’m still in the trying to find someone in a small town delima and I hate it!!

  5. Stephanie


    Worry not, at least you have had sex and kissed a woman. I haven’t. But I do have the heartbreak, because I was in love for seven years with and just confessed (and was rejected) by a conservative very handsy close friend.

    I’m now somewhat out to a few close friends, have one or two gay friends and am anxiously reading up/ watching gay lit/ TV. But in this new town, I can’t seem to find the gays.

    Do I immediately beeline for the only gay bar in town? I’m in my early 20s and the people here seem to know exactly what they want and which way they swing. I’m still unsure.

    You’re doing just fine, because you’ve fallen in love twice and they have loved you back. So it ended badly, but I bet it was amazing while it lasted.

    Keep searching, as I am and do continue to do so.

    Big ups 🙂

  6. Nadia

    I am from pakistan and finding a girl but still i i cannt i am in my 27 still virgin I also love viginas and boobies but here is so strict for lesbians what can I do to live free and get love from any girl. Please somebody help me

  7. adrian

    As cassie said, you may consider using a dating site. There’s a vast number of them out there though. is a new kid on the block offering an open-ended way to self-identify.

  8. Ricki

    I’m surprised, that no one else has responded to Nadia’s poignant plea. So I’ll give it a go. Nadia, I don’t mean to sound sarcastic – but move! If you’re living in such a conservative country, it might be easier to be with a woman if you relocated. Apparently, part of the problem is Pakistan’s attitudes towards sexuality. I’d do whatever it took, to create a new life somewhere else. Good luck.

  9. Ricki

    Adrian, that’s good advice. BTW: When I left my comment to Nadia, I hadn’t read yours yet. Perhaps, it didn’t post before mine at that time.

  10. closet

    i agree with ricki, nadia you have to move out. you can’t change people around you but you can change places and find new cool people.

    sasha i miss your writing!! i can’t live without it. can you write something soon? about anything. about how you eat your salad, how you dance or anything, just please write?
    what’s your birth name by the way?
    i know you go by the name sasha but what’s your first full name?

  11. Lalla

    Please check out
    Trikone is a non-profit organization for LGBTQ people of South Asian descent. Founded in 1986 in the San Francisco Bay Area, Trikone is the oldest group of its kind in the world.

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