I’m fucked. I am so totally and royally fucked. I’m actually freaking out right now as I write this. I would be at Lana’s house, but she’s where I should be right now. Class.
Me? I’m home, losing it. As usual.
Let me back up a bit. The last month or more, I have no idea really, time means nothing anymore. But for way too long I’ve been on a pretty bad slip and slide down into my own personal hell.
Remi even took a week off work to get me out of the city. It helped, but like all good vacations, it came to an end far too soon. The temporary reprieve that the fresh mountain air provided only lasted a few days once, the hustle and bustle of LA set back in.
A few nights ago it got really bad. REALLY REALLY BAD.
The next day Remi got on the phone and ordered supplements from TrueHope. A reader and since then friend of CCL was the one to turn me on to them. I tried it once and Remi swore it worked. I swore it was just the natural cycle, and the up coincidentally coincided with my taking Truehope. Yep. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
The thing is, it’s pretty expensive. I hate to spend that much money on things like that for myself. But according to Remi, “We spend ten times that on crap we don’t need. We need this and we’re going to get it.”
So she ordered $500 worth of it (against my bitching and yelling in the background) and it just arrived today. See?
So I just started my new regimen today. To be honest, a strict vitamin/supplement program along side an equally strict exercise program is the ONLY thing that has ever helped me. Edit: I would be remiss if I didn’t give every credit in the world to my dogs. Therapy dogs can save lives. While they’re not trained as therapy dogs, they do the same job. Especially my boy Angel who won’t stop hugging and kissing me until I’m calm.
This is Angel after a successful "Calm down mommy" session. But he still refused to get off my lap until he was totally sure.
But it’s a vicious cycle. When you feel depressed the last thing you can do is pull yourself out of bed and go to the gym.
…. But I digress. Back to why I am so royally fucked right now.
I’m pretty sure I’ve mentioned that Remi and I are night-owls, right? Which up until now is something that she has gotten paid very well for by working the night shift. It was easy for me to get up and make her coffee and pack her lunch every morning, when our morning started at 1:00 pm. Our usual schedule for the last couple years has been go to sleep around 4:00 am and get up in the afternoon. Me likey.
Well ….. remember that nifty promotion she just got at work? I guess moving up the economical ladder comes at a price. I just heard from Remi and broke the news to me about our new schedule.
Ready? I wasn’t.
4:00 am to 2:30 pm.
How the hell am I going to do that!!!!!! Anyone with bipolar knows that sleep is one of the major issues we have that can throw us over the edge. What happens when you’re already there, hanging on for dear life and your schedule is literally flipped on it’s head?
I’m trying to find the silver lining to this storm cloud. Trying …….. still trying ……I know it’ll be OK. Or at least that’s my mantra I keep repeating in my head until it starts to sound like less of a lie.
It will work out…that’s the way the world works. Everything sucks at first. And then you get used to the sucky things and they suck less.
Yea I know, thanks RadDyke … I’m actually using my OCD super powers right now to make a zillion schedule changes, daily up until her new schedule takes affect ….. finding the bright side on the possibility that this might mean I end up going to the gym every morning. Ha! We shall see ……..
If I know anything at all about you, my Sasha, it’s that you will figure this the hell out.
Just breathe and be patient with yourself. I’m cheering for you.
Sweet Sasha Hang in there. I know you will pull through this. I am completely rooting for you! HUGS! Jaz
P.S> OMG how cute is your dog!!!! What a love bug.
When I was growing up, my dad worked the graveyard shift. He slept when he got home from work, the rest of us slept at night. It probably never occurred to anyone that we should all stay up all night and then sleep during the early day like he did.
Hmmmm….your personal schedule doesn’t necessarily need to change…you would go to bed when she left and rise just before she got home. I get that you want to be awake and asleep on the same schedule as Remi so this sched is throwing a wrench into that idea. The worst of it is if you crept in beside her while she was sleeping, you would end up getting more than your share of sleep, and that’s not such a bad thing for you, is it? That’s a strange shift, but many a housewife somehow managed when the pay was worth it. It probably won’t be forever, either. Chin up and look at your puppies and smile and know it could be soooo much worse. Focus on structuring your routine to include taking your supplements on time and exercise, even if you don’t do it at the gym. You need iron clad structure, so plan around this “little” inconvenience. You’ve got a lot to be thankful for.
It could be so much worse. <3
Yes you’re all right. I have so much to be thankful for and I know it’ll be all right. I blogged in the middle of feeling like my world was crashing down. It still sort of feels like it. But I don’t think it all has to do with her new schedule.
I went over to Lana’s and thankfully, she put it perspective. One I hadn’t thought of before. She said to think of it like jet lag. As if we relocated to Paris or some other wonderful place and had to adjust to the new time zone. I like that way of looking at it.
Plus, I really do think having a little sun in my life will end up being a good thing. With this old schedule we’re currently on, I could literally go WEEKS without seeing the sun. WEEEEEEEEEKS.
So it’s be OK. Change is good. It might not feel good, but I’m taking this as a opportunity to make some positive changes in other areas of my life as well ….. I will keep you posted.
Sasha Lack of sun is not good for depression. I have learned this myself with my depression and my workaholic ways- turns out I have a huge vitamin D deficiency and have now have to take lots of vitamin D. Check with your doctor on that one. Also vitamin B and Omega 3 help with depression so check on that as well. I am not bipolar so it might be different for your condition, but as you know I do struggle with depression so I can relate to you and your struggles with that. Change is not easy at all and sometimes it is as scary as hell, but they do say “change is the spice of life”. Hang in there- we are all rooting for you and you will pull through this just fine. I believe in your strength Sasha.
Sasha – My wife’s standard line on Truehope/Empower: “I would sell a kidney before I would let Nat stop taking Empower.”
Woman, the shit works. Period.
And, yes, a regular sleep schedule is non-negotiable. If Remi is starting swing or graveyard (?), you might have to consider being on different schedules. But then there’s the fact that strong connection with our partners is also crucial to stability. So it’s going to be a matter of finding the best balance.
I know this moment is scary. And it sucks. But you’ll find the best way through it, and you NEED to lean on Remi to do her part of figuring out just what that might look like. This does not need to rest solely on your shoulders…doing that shit is what gets us into so much trouble in the first place!
Hang in there, and be kind to yourself – especially in the most frantic, confusing, scary moments. Find a way to let yourself just be, and to be okay with *not* being okay sometimes. (A lesson I am trying damn hard to learn right now myself.)
Angel is one of the most adorable little dogs I have ever seen. Is he smiling? How cute! And Sasha, Remi loves you so much she would probably pay that every single month if it meant you got better. But from what I could tell looking at their site, that’s probably just to get you back on track and then you won’t have to take as much after a month or something right?
I left you a message on FB
…. ugggghhhhh Yes ma’am …. easier said then done, but I’m trying
As a shiftworker who swaps shifts every few days, I can definitely tell you the sunlight will do you good. I am not even bipolar but I can get down when I haven’t been on day shift in awhile due to feeling like the sun was gone forever. You will adjust & do great, your body will thank you too because our bodies really like dayshift much to our chagrin.
Sasha- Not being on with you on FB makes your FB badge today- “These vitamins make me feel very, very….” read like a major “Got Milk?” ad to me. lol Very, Very what????bad, sick, good….??? It is like wanting to know how your friend is doing and she says half a sentence and walks off. hehe Soooooo how are you doing with the vitamins?
Hi, I’ve been reading for a while but don’t say much. I totally know how you feel about schedules though. I struggle with depression and every-time I stay up late for a paper, night out with friends etc. or my class schedule changes I end up wacked out for weeks.
http://www.great-quotes.com/quotes/category/Happiness
Sasha I hope you are doing better. Hugs.
I’m sorry to hear everything is going so horribly for you, it’s hard when it feels like life is kicking you when you’re already at your lowest, I know. But it won’t last forever, and from what I’ve read on here you’re a pretty strong person, and I imagine things won’t be so bad for so long. So here’s hoping things look up really, really soon. And until then I’ll be sending you my warmest wishes, positive thoughts, and perhaps a hug or two. (yeah because being offered an internet hug from someone you don’t know isn’t creepy at all or weird. Oye.)
Anyway hold in there. = )
Stacey From your sarcastic comment it’s obvious you haven’t read all the MANY posts throughout this blog that MANY people including Sasha herself say “hugs”. Obviously being the internet etc it is just a friendship term of support like “take care”, “smiles” etc and not a “creepy offer”-whatever. If you are going to make a comment like that under my comment (of support for her) then you need to (out of fairness) go back and make such sarcastic and rude comments under everyone elses posts throughout this blog (including Sasha) who has also used the same expression.
I absolutely meant no offense whatsoever, what I was trying to do in my socially inept way was be funny, because I have said that to people before and I guess I came off weird. Nothing in my comment was meant to be rude, not at all. I honestly apologize if it came off the wrong way.
It seems I made a bad first impression here. Let me try again. Hi all I’m Stacey and I swear I’m not a sarcastic bitch, I truly meant my words of support. I love internet hugs, and giving them to people, I’m just not great with knowing what to say. = )
Hi Stacey…glad you’re here! Here’s a HUG for you!
Hi Stacey and welcome to CCL
…. No need for apologies, I never took offense to your comment. It can be tricky getting witty sarcasm across in comments. I wish we could leave video comments so people could read our faces and voices more. But alas … we work with what we have.
And it could be said that I have some of the most, fierce, loyal and supportive readers on the web. They are quick to jump to my defense and I am always touched and humbled by their kindness. But you’ll see if you keep coming back here, that the readers a lot of times become friends and an online support forum somewhat on here, which quickly becomes like a crazy family. We fight, we yell, we make up, we *hug* online and all is forgiven and forgotten.
Please, stay and get to know us
We’d love to have you.
Why thank you Rexie, that’s very sweet of you. And a hug for you as well.
And Sasha yeah I can see they’re protective, it’s nice to see. And I’d love to stay around and get to know the place and everyone better.
Let’s just hope I don’t end up making an ass out of myself. Haha.
Stacy – I never got anything negative or weird out of your hugs comment because you are new and the hug offered “WAS” actually new!
Jaz – I don’t think she was trying to make light of your hug to Sasha. I think she was just saying that she/her’s were new…
Hi Rexie…where have you been?
And by the way Jazmenha that comment that I made was not directed towards you at all. It was directed towards myself. Seeing as she doesn’t know me. So my comment, which was meant as a light sarcastic joke, had nothing to do with anyone but me. Just to clarify.
Now I will shut up. = )
Hi Femmelover. Good to hear from you. I’ve been right here, where you been?
Stacey- I understand now. Thanks for the apology. You will become a fellow addict of CCL- there are many of us. lol
@Rexie – Haven’t read/seen your comments pop up in some time until now! *SMILE* I’ve been watching; but, come on…I bet you’ve been busy visiting the mountain folks. *smile*! LOL!
Have you ever heard of Feingold.org? http://www.feingold.org/
It is a wonderful organization that really gets into food / health connections which trigger hyper and or depressive states, allergies etc.
Personally, in my case, I found that there is a direct food connection to processed food (artificial food coloring) which actually affects my ability to do math and more. As a child, I was tested for this because it is intermittent and sometimes I would have seizures and be very hyper as well – for which I was prescribed Ritalin as a child. Intermittent, because it depends entirely on what I eat within the last 24/72 hrs. Eating organic is very important to me, because of the chemicals in our foods. However, Red #40 & Yellow #5 is not just in foods, it is in drinks and over the counter medications as well. I have to be VERY strict about these colors, because ONE red 40 coated allergy med pill for example, will have me loopy for hours and possibly spinning on the couch. I used to think that was “normal” when I got the flu, but now I know it is a side effect of taking common cold remedies.
Additionally, if it is not something you would eat – it is not something you should put on your skin. Lotions and potions we use cosmetically, can be absorbed by our skin as well. They have medications which are delivered in patches because this is so effective, so even the shampoo or skin lotion you use should be as ‘clean’ from chemicals as possible.
Supplements are great, but more importantly is what you ELIMINATE from your diet. The monster java energy drinks, deplete your adrenal glands and most certainly will cause a down as your body has to recuperate from all the artificial adrenaline you just drank jacking your system up on all that stuff.
Lastly, vegan is good but RAW is better. Enzymes that are lost during cooking play a vital role in how our body absorbs micro nutrients from what we eat. I would highly recommend a raw foods detox diet to cleanse your liver from all the chemicals that are stored in there and you will see your energy level out and soar….
Naturally.
The book by a nutritionist, is a good start – it really helped me a LOT. I have never been diagnosed bipolar, but what I am is a child of a woman who was probably bipolar to some extent and a prescription addict so I am not sure if it was natural or prescription induced. Growing up, I saw the food stress connection to her ups and downs as she roller coastered and got violent as her blood sugar swung erratically as well.
Living in a 24/7 city is also over stimulating as well… but that is an environmental issue beyond your control for now. Just something to think about, take care!
http://www.amazon.com/Raw-Food-Detox-Diet-Five-Step/dp/0060799919