Having a hard time climbing out of a funk. Like really really hard. I’m doing all the things I “should be doing” such as my vitamin regimen pretty regularly (OK not that regular. But trying.) I’m working out almost every day for about an hour, even when I don’t want to. Which is good because if I waited till I wanted to, I might never get out of bed.
But my brain is all foggy and dull. Like trying to read and respond to emails just feels impossible. Facebook which is usually a fun, stress free way to communicate with friends feels daunting and overwhelming. My thoughts are slow and muggy. I feel like I’m mentally walking through quicksand and every effort to move forward only pulls me down deeper into the mud. I haven’t been writing because, well …look at this crap. I don’t want to put more negative stuff out into the universe, for others to read. Nor do I want anyone to feel sorry for me. I hate that. But I thought I owed it to my regular readers to let you know why CCL has been dragging as of late. Thank Goddess for our brilliant and witty guest writers that have kept it afloat. They’re awesome and I send you all a cyber hug ~ *hug* thank you.
But yea …. I’m having a hard time thinking of a reason to wake up in the mornings. It’s been kind of bad for a few weeks, and I really think its getting worse. There are good things in my life that I intellectually know to be grateful for and I am!! But the very next moment, I just feel sad. Overwhelmingly sad. To the point of crying in my bed off and on all day. I’m pretty pathetic right now. I keep telling myself this too shall pass.
Right?
“I’m working out almost every day for about an hour, even when I don’t want to. Which is good because if I waited till I wanted to, I might never get out of bed.”
Well that is brilliant! I’m sorry about your state of funk, and that you feel as though you’re in a fog. Telling you to “feel better” seems patronizing to me, so I just want you to know you’re in my positive thoughts, as always. <3 Times like these more than ever, because I know how hopeless things can seem. Like, "are you sure those distant happy times (which may have only been a week ago) weren't a myth?"; "Some Alice in Wonderland fantasy where up is down and right is wrong, and nothing was what it ever will be" kind of bad. I'm always rooting for you, always.
As always, Sasha, your adoring fans will be right here when you return. Remember to be gentle with yourself. Love your puppies and your wife and remember there are a lot of people who really care about you. I’m one of them. Hugs to you, my friend.
Sasha – Yes, episodes pass. They do pass.
But I hear self-blame in what you wrote and that breaks my heart. You did not ask for the chemistry you have and are not to blame for what it causes to rage within you. Though I’m always hesitant to say anything with those I don’t know well there’s not a word you wrote I can’t identify with or haven’t written myself at some point. Sometimes, no matter what we do, no matter how hard we work at it, the quicksand comes and pulls us in. Or, as a dear friend said to me a while back when I wrote her similarly to what you posted, ‘sometimes it’s going to win and that bites ass’. But it’s not because you failed to do something, it’s the nature of the illness. It’s there, you have to deal with it and that just sucks, but you didn’t bring it on and it’s not defining for who you are. And I remind you as one who’s often guilty of forgetting it herself, it isn’t something lacking in you that, by sheer force of will, you can’t simply make it go away. It doesn’t work like that and you know it.
I can offer little other than to remind you that you’re not alone nor do you need to stay silent. I know that for myself, when I’m able to write I find it helpful, soothing, a way to release some of the inner turmoil this brings on. This writing is far from negative, it’s a sign of strength, of an ability to keep fighting back even when it hurts. Every time you put a voice to these thoughts and feelings you take some of the power away from the cause. I’ve always thought of it as telling the illness, fuck you, I know you’re there, I know what you’re doing, but you can’t silence me.
And in the quicksand, stillness has served me well in the past. The effort to ‘pull yourself out’ is futile, the effort to find your calm is not. It will pass.
I’ve been reading the CCL blog for around a year now… But never commented before, I have to say, I’ve went through the same thing and theres always light at the end of the tunnel. If you’re worried about people judging, they simply need to realize life isn’t perfect and even the best of us experience ups and downs, it’s what makes us human.
By the way I’d like to take this opportunity to say your blog is absolutely fantastic and speaks volumes for what the lesbian community are capable of when given a voice 
Hey Sasha, it will pass. It may take a while and some days you might lose the battle, but it will pass eventually. Hugs and positive thoughts.
Damn, I know exactly how you feel hun
Thank you everybody, I don’t know if it’s because I started writing again and that’s always good therapy, combined with your kind words but I woke up today feeling a lot better. I also remembered to start using my blue light box yesterday and today. (light therapy has proven effective in the treatment of certain types of depression.) …. Anyways, I hope I’m not jinxing myself by saying I’m feeling better! But I wanted to thank you all again.
Ye Gods, Sasha, Sasha… you not only have been through hell, but are going through it cyclically – and yet, here you are, typing and helping all of us; a living proof that it does get better. You are one strong woman. You are a warrior. I salute you.
You may be feeling pathetic at a certain moment, but *you* are not pathetic. Never.
On a side note, I can relate to this post as well. While not bipolar myself, I am suffering from recurring suicidal thoughts/tendencies. The worst thing about it is the fact that we do not have to fight such a battle once; no, the enemy keeps coming back regardless of what we do to keep it at bay – and all our victories remain unsung…!
Live on. Don’t let death claim you before it is time. For all it is worth, my heart and prayers (I’m a norse pagan, but I heard it’s the thought that counts
) go out to you.
Sasha I believe in your intrinsic bravery and personal strength. I know you can succeed through any trial.