By Guest Writer, WWG
I like being single. I’m proud to say I enjoy my own company, and I’m comfortable and confident enough in my skin that I’ve never needed a relationship to make me happy. On the contrary, my relationships often made me feel quite unhappy. A large part of that is of course that my 20s were spent dating men, and men were clearly not for me. I mentioned in my last post that I felt like I was a commitment-phobe or just hadn’t found the right man. My relationships would make me feel trapped. I realized that getting out of a relationship shouldn’t feel like finally coming up for air after nearly drowning, but that’s how it always felt for me.
Now I find that my dating age doesn’t match my true age. Let me explain: My dating age is more about 20 years old, or when I stopped dating women (and allowing my heart to be open), yet my actual age is early 30s. The training wheels relationships that heterosexuals and those who come out early have in their 20s, when they fall in love and date for a couple of months to a few years in preparation for finding “the one” that they’ll marry is not what I experienced. And yet, I struggle to define those relationships I did have. Do they “count” if I wasn’t in them heart and soul? What if I felt like a fly trapped in a spider web? This is the feeling that many who come out later in life face, and I do understand why it’s said that when you come out it’s like a second adolescence.
Yet the lessons I learned are very real lessons and any relationship – be it friendship, coworkers, or a romantic one – can always teach you what you want and don’t want in those you interact with and choose to be close to. I truly learned some great lessons from the men I dated and it did help me understand some of the characteristics I want in someone I date, because at the end of the day, humans are humans.
But my mom has said to me that I haven’t had a true romantic relationship as an adult, and I know she’s right. I have been on several dates with women since I came out again, and the difficulty was that none of them were IT. It was frustrating because like everyone, I hoped that coming out would lead me to feeling something for someone. Dating women again finally and not feeling the spark was doubly frustrating. Some women come out to themselves because they fall madly in love. I came out to myself (again) by process of deduction. How boring!
But then! I dated someone who I really liked. And that first kiss! That first kiss restored my faith in my orientation. It restored my faith in myself. And it restored my faith that I too have the possibility of finding love for myself. And I gushed. I, Ms. Cold-Hearted, Never Interested, Happily Single Thank You Very Much, was gushing. And glowing. And dreaming of and planning to have her meet my friends. I talked about her to my parents. Good god I had become everything I never understood before (and kind of ridiculed. Oops)! I even may have pictured her in a tux. Yeah, I went there. UGH! I had suddenly become the queer Jennifer Love Hewitt, planning my wedding in every season and – okay, I didn’t go that far, but you get the picture.
It was a short-lived relationship. But for the first time in many years, that was not by my choice. Part of me was of course disappointed and hurt by its ending, but a larger part of me was actually grateful that I was being broken up with. For once, it was my heart that – well, it wasn’t getting broken because we hadn’t begun to get to that point – had opened up and was being told to close to itself to this relationship. I’ve been in that position way too many times, telling some man (mostly) or woman that my heart that they wanted so badly will never be theirs. It is a different kind of heartbreak to see someone say that they care about you, want to love you, think the world of you, and you have to say that you don’t feel the same about them. Being the breaker upper is no easier than being broken up with.
As I have come out again and experienced that feeling of hope, of desire, of wanting someone’s interest rather than dreading it, the reality that I may at some point not be single is a shock to the system and one I’m slowly coming to terms with. Because the relationships I was in didn’t engage my heart completely, I have never quite felt “taken”. Indeed, my previous relationships with men were like always living in rental apartments all your life, and suddenly, I’m going to be buying a house! Chimney flue? Shingles? Aren’t those illnesses? Will buying the house – being with someone in a relationship – make me feel ill again? Claustrophobic? Drowning? Stressed? Angry? Or will it make me feel safe, secure, and relaxed and incredibly content knowing that This House Is Mine?
And I’ve decided – I would like to know what it’s like to feel and fall so deeply in love again. I would like to know what it’s like to have my heart soar again, and to have my heart break again. I like being single. I enjoy my own company. But you know what? I’d really like to be in a couple. I’d really like to enjoy the company of someone else.
And that’s a coming out process of its own.
well said.
I find the idea of real age vs dating age really interesting. I’m many years younger than my partner, but we’re at the same “dating age”. I think it’s because I’m the first woman she’s dated (and she’s in her 40s), so she’s starting that second adolescence that you talk about, and I’m in my 20s, so on a dating age, we’re sort of the same. In relationships with age differences, people aren’t always conscious of the fact that there is a metaphorical age that is different from the actual age of the people in the relationship, and I think your explanation here can really work well to be with that concept, and can maybe help people have more of an open mind to lesbian relationships with age differences….
All of the anxieties and questions you might seek answers to while you are single and anticipating a relationship somehow fall away and are forgotten the moment you meet someone who captures your heart. You may think you aren’t the type to fall instantly and madly in love, but let me warn you that it very possible you will prove yourself wrong in that assumption. You may, someday, happen upon a chance meeting of a stranger and suddenly it is like the very gates of Heaven, and of life itself, grandly swing open. At that moment, you couldn’t care less if you are invited to enter those heavenly gates or not. You will boldly go forth where you’ve never been. Angels will sing and harps will play and the world will go from black and white to full blown color. You will marvel at what you’ve been missing, wonder how you lived a single day before that moment, and suddenly you will be able to see yourself with that person for the rest of your days. The icing on the cake would be if the person you are so insanely attracted to feels the same way about you. As days go on, you will discover and experience the joy you’ve read about but never had. The relationship will go from season to season, and it will grow richer as two lives entwine into one. You will thank your lucky stars every day, because when someone adds to and enhances the quality of your life, you instinctively know it. It doesn’t take any convincing for you to be sure about it. The peace and ease that comes from a lack of struggle will nourish you. When the rest of the world is treating you unkindly, you will go to your love in thirst, and it is there you will be refreshed to face another day “out there”. While all of your past relationships may have taught you many things, none of them were the real thing. It is the common complaint of dating life that you have to kiss a lot of “toads” before you find your true love. You’re on the right track, and I wish you happy hunting.
Unfortunately it doesn’t matter on age or sexual Orientation, the first date is always scary. Your always trying to impress and make a good impression on someone without scaring them or making an ass out of yourself (more than once I hate to admit). I learnt to be yourself (though against my friends wishes) and just have a great time and let it evolve.
I may have rambled on a bit if I did I apologise.
I’ve lurked here for awhile but your post is the first that’s prompted me to respond because I can relate exactly. I’m 31 and just came out a year ago. Until then, I thought I was a dud when it came to relationships because I didn’t feel anything. Then when I finally went on a date with a woman I liked, the emotions of it made me feel like a 14 yr old. The ups and downs, and speculations, daydreams and butterflies. Its crazy. But for the first time I have hope that I too may be able to find love. Its pretty sweet…and nerve racking all at the same time. Thanks for putting your journey into words for us.
It’s funny.. it’s always when you’re not looking that these things happen. I am/was in a similar situation… my 20s have been spent largely dating guys, but I’ve never really committed. Had the occassional fling here and there with women who I’ve always enjoyed being with intimately, but the relationship opportunity never presented itself.
The last 2 years I’ve spent proudly single until a friend introduced me to one of their friends earlier this year. She had just gotten out of a 15 year relationship and is 20 years my senior. However, truth be told, her “dating age” is much, much younger than my own.
We’ve built upon the initial introduction and are now in a full relationship after about 6 months of dating. She’s approached this experience without hesitation, which – frankly – is incredible considering that she got out of her ltr just a few months before we met.
Anyway, I’ve been concerned about being the “rebound girl” from the beginning, but it doesn’t feel like that anymore. As Rexie said, “When the rest of the world is treating you unkindly, you will go to your love in thirst, and it is there you will be refreshed to face another day “out there”. ”
In the end, I think you fall in love with the PERSON- not the age, not the income, not the gender. You can’t put too many expectations on the first date, or on the person in front of it. Thinking that someone HAS to be IT will ultimately ruin it for you.
Have fun, enjoy the ride, and cherish the experience!
reading your post was like reading about my own life. I have the same fears and concerns daily. I know exactly what you mean when you talk about feeling comfortable being single. I do want to say though that I wouldnt throw out your relationships with men just because you wouldnt be with one now. My relationships taught me a lot about myself and honestly it doesnt matter that it was with a guy because like you said..humans are humans. Through those relationships I realized my strengths and weaknesses, and I’m glad I went through it because now I won’t make those mistakes for the women I date.
I really enjoyed your post and hope you keep writing
i def agree with crystal, when you find the right person, you fall in love with them. not their age, gender, or income.. I def have to agree with you, WWG, having been broken up with and the break upper myself, both sides are extremely difficult. it’s just as hard to hear it’s over as to be the one who ends it….
i def agree with crystal, when you find the right person, you fall in love with them. not their age, gender, or income.. I def have to agree with you, WWG, having been broken up with and the break upper myself, both sides are extremely difficult. it’s just as hard to hear it’s over as to be the one who ends it….
EXCELLENT post! This makes major lightbulb sense explaining many things that were previously unanswered intrinsic questions for me. Great job WWG!
Sorry, I’ve been reading all your responses but life got pretty hectic and I didn’t get a chance to write my own until now.
I love that my post stirred up some great thoughts amongst you all. It makes me feel great! Thanks!
It’s interesting to me the different ways it was interpreted. I remember before I started driving, I would have dreams about driving that were things like me at the wheel and pedalling (I think I watched too much Flinstones as a kid) and nothing happening. Once I actually learned to drive, the dreams went away because it was no longer scary or alien to me.
Part of me is scared to have a meaningful, deep, compromising relationshp because, despite all the dating I’ve done, none was ever a love connection. It’s the mundane aspects of a loving relationship that I’ve not had – deciding where to eat, who’s going to take out the trash, whose family to go to for the holidays, and just really shifting myself aside to make room for someone else in my life and having them actually be a necessary part of every decision I make. That’s where I feel so much younger than my peers. I’ve been self-focused for so long, necessarily, because no one captured my heart and made me want to change that aspect of my life.
You’re all right – I know when I meet the right person, it will all melt together and I’ll make those sacrifices and choices because I want to. It won’t be a chore or a demand from someone else, but something I do and give willingly. But as a semi-newly out lesbian, someone who is coming into the romantic part of my life at such a late stage, I feel a bit behind in that way. Does this make sense?
I have more to respond to each of you, because you’ve made me think too, but I will have to do that later.
I’m in a similar position to yours–coming out again at 30 (now 31) after missing out on dating women in my 20′s. It’s hard and scary and complicated by the fact that I have two kids.
With my last GF I found myself fantasizing about introducing myself with her last name, something I’ve never done before. Idk, I hope I can accelerate the dating age process to find a mature relationship.
Good luck too!
I love this post! It explains why everyone says I’m like a 14 year old boy when it comes to women! Errrm…at least, I hope that’s why.
You will find love again, lady. And it will amazing.
Great post on the experience of being single and out there when you’re hoping to find ‘the one.’ My gf is younger than me…and I love it. As long as it works for both of you – it can be an amazing thing.
Keep at it. I know it’s a cliche, but it was true for me. You find it when you aren’t looking at all. It seems to find you. Good luck.
Would you kindly consider my open challenge? Thanks in advance.
A Common Sense Challenge to Lesbians and Gays
Dear GADEL,
Kindly fuck off. And oh yeah, hets aren’t gonna be extinct just cuz gays exist. We’ve always existed. Now we’re just open about our existence and not stuck in unhappiness.
Kindly,
WWG
Ps. Dogs also have been known to eat their own poo and vomit.
Pps. Ever seen the Nature Channel’s shows of animals in the wild having sex? Those poor females always look so bored. Ha! I understand.
@GAYDEL: You are GAY. Undoubtedly GAY. You need to really look into the self-loathing thing. I bet you are into self-flagellation to repent for your GAY thoughts. You know how I know? Because you are obsessed with GAY. In addition, to being GAY, your are also a pervert who is into beastiality (dear members of CCL forum – do yourselves favor and don’t click on the link – it only shows animals fucking). Despite popular straight opinion, gay men and women are capable of procreation. Your theory about a GAY village going into extinction could not be more off-base, and it is just an example of your idiocy. Just because you are GAY does not automatically make you intelligent. You have to remember that gay children are born to straight couples all the time. GAY people have always and will always exist. Given the laws of natural selection, however, idiots don’t survive, so it is because of this, it i your breed of “human” that is scheduled to disappear from the gene pool, you drooling, booger-eating cretin.
OMG TALK ABOUT GOING OFF THE TOPIC- WTF!!! Who posts a link on someone’s lesbian blog about “animals fucking” ???. Lesbian sex (of course when done with mutual respect/love) is ABSOLUTELY beautiful and has ABSOLUTELY nothing to so do with “animals fucking”. You need serious physchological help. LOL Good luck to you OMG you need it.
WWG- I have referred SO many times to your post here ( talked about it to SO many different people) the concept of dating age and chronological age. It hits right on the mark for me and for so many people I have talked to. Thanks for your well written piece articulating a concept that once understood makes things much more understandable. Jazmenha
Nah Jazmenha, he just has pics of animals mounting each other. Yanno, to show the natural way to do things. Should we tell him there are plenty of gay animals? I mean, what about the gay penguins who adopted a chick? http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8096453.stm I’m sorry, what was that about it not being natural? Hahahhahahaha!
I’m pretty sure bestiality is a human fucking or being fucked by an animal (ewwww).
Gadel – don’t muss up my post again. Thanks.
@jazmenha – Aww thank you! Saw your second comment after I posted mine already. I really appreciate that compliment!
More coming soon!
WWG – Yes please write again soon because I can not tell you what a major lightbulb your writing about dating age/chronological age was to me. Honestly I have referred to it to SO many people- all of whom thought that made tons of sense.- lightbulbs going off all over.
The irony of “animal pervert’s” concept is that to lesbians it IS totally MORE natural to have sex with another woman then with a man and same – it’s MUCH more natural for a gay man to be with another man then with a woman. On the other hand humans watching/referring to animals having sex yeah NOT natural. OMG what a nutcase!
WWG – “Two gay male peguins raising the baby chick as their own (baby)” OMG that is so cute! Hummm the two “gay male pegines” were nurturing, helping the baby chick, thoughtfully looking after another animal together as a unit of being penguin parents. While the straight animals that the “animal pervert” posted were just “fucking” and “mounting”.
Technically, yes, beastiality is humans, uhm, getting it on with animals, but I think it should also include anyone who gets turned on by observing animals mating. Sorry WWG that your post got highjacked in the comments section by that ass.
WWG I have a question about your post- so how does someone deal with the dating age/actual age discrepancy in terms of narrowing this gap? Meaning, with the dating age/actual age being a decade off (20s and 30s) doesn’t this perpetuate the difficulty of finding a committed relationship and perpetuate the casual dating because it seems like everyone else in my age group is in a different place. At least that’s been my experience. Again this is such a fascinating topic to me.
https://fbcdn-sphotos-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/s720x720/300000_305668739459190_122256581133741_1263217_1258111904_n.jpg
Oh Jazmenha, I WISH I had that answer. It’s a really excellent question though. Perhaps in later blogs (aka after lots more experience) I can give it to you (or my interpretation of it).
I’m learning the art of casual dating, which is hard because every woman I meet who I’m interested in I practically am imagining forever. Oops. Funny, when I dated men, I was EXCELLENT at casual dating. Seriously, top notch. Because, duh, I didn’t want and couldn’t get serious with anyone. Not possible. So in some ways, I’ve got lots of experience with casual dating. And my dating (of men) did help me figure out the basic characteristics I want in a partner (and the ones I do NOT want). Again, it’s sort of a human thing.
Do Want: confident, smart person, etc.
Don’t want: insecure, unmotivated moron with lots of mugshots, etc.
BUT! As I am finding out, dating women is NOT the same as dating men. No no no no! On my first date with the above-mentioned woman, we got a bit lost and as we were walking, I asked a guy directions. He ended up walking with us about half a block and I watched him move in towards me and his eyes reflected the idea of hitting on me. I think he realized when he saw me, all femmed up, walking with a butch woman, just the two of us, looking for a particular restaurant for dinner, that maybe I wasn’t prime hitting upon material. And he backed off.
But that’s my point – with men, interest is sooo obvious, even when they try and be all stealth about it. With women? It’s never obvious! Oh my god! I’ve been on first dates with three different women who I dressed up for a lot, and not a one of them reflected “she’s cute/I’m attracted” in their eyes, but two of the three asked me out again (and the other one did later on) and all three of them texted me later to compliment me on how I looked. I was so confused and disheartened when we went on our dates because I figured that they weren’t interested, that my dressing up was for naught, and it was like I was out with a new friend, not a date. And that’s the difference (as I’ve seen it) between first dates with men (who have often assumed a drink or dinner means automatic sex) and first dates with women (who practically act like your friend for a few dates).
Oh yeah, and a (former) friend yelled at me – “did you compliment HER?” Um, no? Again, straight girl dating habits – duh, the man tells you you’re hot, buys you dinner or drinks, does his best to get as far as he can with you as quickly as possible, and you get to fend him off and let him know how far you’ll allow him in. Not saying I miss it. It’s just that I was raised to speak English, and now I’m trying to learn, ahem, Greek.
So yes, I have plenty of casual dating experience with men. But women? Clearly a whole ‘nother ballgame. So I’m sort of forced into the casual dating thing right now and learning this whole new mating dance, although everything in my body is aching for and soooo damned ready for a committed, loving, mutual, fucking awesome relationship.
Add to that that I don’t have the experience of having dealt with the normal pitfalls of a relationship. I mean yeah, I dated men, yeah, some of them semi-seriously, but my heart wasn’t in it, so there’s a lot I missed out on. I was never jealous of the guys I was dating. Oh hey, that girl hit on you? Cool! Oh, you haven’t called me for three days? Hadn’t noticed! You did text me more than once in the last two days? Ugh dude, you’re crowding me! Back off. You love me? Oh dear…
Meanwhile, the woman I dated, I craved her emails and her texts, I loved getting pics from her, I had to sit on my hands in public to keep them from being all over her, and I was jealous when she said she’d been on other dates even though we weren’t exclusive.
Oh, and the thing is, most people do that learning how to date thing in their teens and early 20s, when you’re more or less unencumbered by real responsibilities (job, kids, mortgage, career, finances, etc). It’s the time people expect you to make as many mistakes as you can. In your late 20s and your 30s? Oh come on, you should know all this by now!
But I’m a lesbian. Who came out after all that fun, stupid experimental stage was over. And now I’m running to catch up. As are many of us.
And so my answer, dear Jazmenha, is that I have no fucking clue. But hell, I will keep writing here to find out. Afterall, worked for Sasha, no?
WWG Thanks for your reply. I can’t sleep and read it so will read when more awake.
I didn’t date in high school or college. Very study/career focused and not too interested/attracted to guys. Once I got out of college I fell completely in love with this extremely femine guy. and was with him for awhile. To this day mom swears he was gay. Hehe After that I met and hung out all the time w this very androgynous women. I eventually admitted my feels and that a disaster. She was straight. I was totally crushed. Then I dated TONS of “manly” asholes. Really “bad boys”. One ended up attacking me in the place I’ve leave for the last 5 years (side note- I’m very proud to say I finally found the strength and am moving out next week- boxes packed!) I know realize why i dated so many assholes because I was doing what I should be doing- dating guys- but since my heart was NOT in it I didn’t choose too carefully. Of all those assholes only 2 were good sincere guys, I fell totally in love with one. you post connected the dots. I feel like the prime meeting people age is 23 to 34 and 
that I’ve totally missed out and wasted time. Hopefully I’ll meet another woman who walked the same path and like me realized all along she was gay. And let me tell you I will totally spoil her rotten. 
WWWG Why did you have to mention “mating” I had an “animals fucking” flashback. LOL
Intestine the only 2 men I have ever been in love with – one was absolutely like a woman trapped in a man’s body and the other was very sensitive/nurturing (stereotypical woman personality traits ( though not all women- eye roll). I really wish my dating age and actual age were not a decade different but now I totally understand why.