I had this brilliant idea that Remi and I should start doing things on our own. As in, without being glued to one anothers side 24/7. You know, like hang out with our friends, go to the gym …. normal things that we used to do before we were a cohabiting unit that seems unable to be apart for any length of time except when she’s at work.
Now I don’t need any lectures on how we shouldn’t lose our individual identities and how it’s not healthy to be so codependent. Bla bla, yada yada … yea. I know! That was why I suggested this whole social experiment. Which was going brilliantly until she actually decided to do something without me.
I know, I’m pathetic. Don’t rub it in.
But Remi took my advice and made plans to go to a casino (an activity I despise and can only be bribed into going with an iPad) and since her friends will go for free, she invited them.
Sounds great, right? It did until I realized she was going to be going out and having fun on her next day off without me. Which, yes, I realize was MY plan. But I hadn’t really thought that part out.
Follow me here. She works crazy long and late hours. I’m sort of a recluse when left on my own so the only time I ever really get out is when she’s home and we do things together. Her days off are our days off and we usually try to make up for the long work week by doing something together. So when she made plans that didn’t include me, on a night that I didn’t have anywhere else to go or do, I felt really left out, jealous and pathetic all at the same time. Because I realize, again …. this was my idea to begin with and it is healthy to do things apart. Or so they say.
Don’t worry, I only reverted to my bratty self for about ten minutes and regained my sanity in time to insure her, I was OK with her night out with the girls. I only wish I wasn’t going to be left home alone twiddling my thumbs thinking about how much fun she’s having without me.
When I came up with this brilliant plan, I sort of meant for her to do things when I was going to be in class or with Lana. But as it turns out, she picked a night when I have neither option open. Bleh. I’m a big girl, I can handle this. Right? ?
I keep reminding myself of Kahlil Gibran’s writing on Marriage. These are words to live by.
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Oooh, I totally know how you feel!! We’re a one car family literally out in the middle of the sticks, so if she takes the car, I’m actually stuck at home. Unless I want to walk 20 miles into town…..but yeah, the concept is easier than the actual execution of it. Heh, the more I look over this post, the more it looks like something I would have written.
Hope you found something fun to do, though.
Oh no, this is horrible I know exactly how you feel! My ex used to go out with her friends when I thought we should have been spending some time together. I always felt like such a loser for wanting to tag along but she wouldn’t let me. Eh, we’re not together anymore …. I hope you find something good to do while she’s gone.
She can’t do this on another night when you have your friend or class? Sounds fishy to me.
I’d be worried if you 2 all of a sudden feel the need and desire to be away from each other. I know it’s supposed to be good to do things apart but if you never wanted to before and now you do, sounds like theres trouble in paradise and spitting your spare time into 2 different worlds is just to make it easier for later, when you finally break up.
This really doesn’t seem all that ominous to me. I don’t know Sasha personally but she seems like a very analytical girl, and sometimes when you examine yourself and your relationship you might come up with an idea to try- so for whatever reason (she never said she has a desire to be away from remi) she wanted to try being a little more independent. No need to overanalyze why Remi picked a particular night, it probably just happened to work out that way, Props to Sasha for not letting her frustration about it go beyond an understandable 10 minutes of pouting.
Oh my god, been there done that. My partner and I have been attached at the hip for most of our six years – I really, really like being with the woman I love, I can’t help it! Right, but I know that all relationships need space and breathing room, and two independent beings…rather than one mashed together jello-mold-conjoined-lesbian.
And this is where my head and my heart part ways, which is what it sounds like happens to you.
God forbid the woman make plans on a day/night when I have no plans of my own. Hell hath no fury. I always feel guilty about it, even in the moment I’m throwing the tantrum. But what I’ve figured out is that try as I might to fight it, this scenario pushes my childhood buttons and makes me feel abandoned and/or rejected…and that shit is not at all rational, it’s amygdala (reptile brain = fight or flight) all the way. Fortunately, while my response pushes her buttons in the moment, she’s pretty damn patient on the whole, and she gets it.
So our solution now is to talk to each other about our plans before making them…that way we can make sure the other person didn’t have her hopes up for time together, a special event, etc. Some people may call that modified-codependence. I prefer to think of it as respecting the fact that we became a family unit when we moved in together. And families talk and let each other know what they have going on. As long as you actually allow each other to take the space and time, it works.
So go easy on yourself. Yes, time to do your own things is important. But expecting it to magically work the way it did when you were just dating and living separately is unrealistic, and it will set you up for disappointment every time.
(For what it’s worth, I disagree with the comments that suggest she’s being fishy or that this is a step down the road to splitsville. It sounds like a pretty simple matter of negotiating terms for alone time that make you both feel comfortable and safe.)
It sounds like you were trying to be a grown up and take some steps to actually help your relationship in the long run. However it looks like Remi’s the one that dropped the ball by not making sure that you were also taken care of that night and instead made it for a night that you were left to twiddle your thumbs and feel poopy about being left along.
I think doing seperate things is a good idea but she could have discussed what night to do that on, with you before making plans with friends. Sounds like she just wasn’t thinking of you. *ouch*
Bad move on Remi’s to make plans when you don’t have any. That just sounds like she doesn’t really care if you’re home alone all week, waiting on her to get home and do something with you. Looks like she’s taking you for GRANTED.
I really love your honesty about the whole thing. It takes guts to put yourself out there and talk about how you’re feeling, especially when you know you could get some negative feedback. I’ve totally done this before too! Still trying to find the balance between codependent and independent…
Wait…what’s with the attack on Remi?? It WAS Sasha’s idea. It’s a NEW idea to bring into their relationship. Naturally there are gunna be a few practice runs at it. Geeze!
Sasha, girl, I feel your frustration and this is a conversation Raye and I run into pretty frequently. I usually wind up feeling pretty stupid afterward…er childish.
I’M at home all day while she’s at work! I could in fact find PLENTY to do by myself if I REALLY REALLY wanted to. And I am slowly making my way out and around the area that is so foreign to me known as Texas City LoL!! I’m a hardcore Houstonian Gaytown Montrose stompin’ artsy freak at heart. It’s where I’ve always said I was gunna live, eat & breathe if I can’t make it out of Houston. LoL! So, it’s hard for me to open up down here. It’s taken me about a year to finally start doing things within the community. Seriously!
Anyways, my point is. Enjoy ALL your free time…fill your schedule to the max. As a fully committed relationship our time together is a little different than our single friends or quick on-again/off-again relationships.
Uggh these are sooo Raye’s words which I agree with completely, but have a hard time remembering or realizing since I’ve NEVER had a SERIOUS relationship like ours before!
Remember the “white picket fence” blog….that’s YOUR time together. You’re together every night and morning…make the most of those. That’s the stuff we all REALLY miss when we’re apart, right?
I don’t believe wanting a little “alone time” or a “night out” once in awhile is a gear shifting in reverse for separation! If it’s occurring EVERY or ALL the time your partner is off of work…yep. Might be a problem!
If you’re a happily securely committed couple a “girl/bois night” really shouldn’t pose a threat. If it does….well…then I think ya both just saved eachother A LOT of wasted time. Just sayin’.
One might feel left out. But, our partner who is working 8-12hr shifts ALL week long might feel a little left out from our daily life, too. Maybe? If they could they would love to be at home with us. Or doing stuff with us instead of being at work.
Hope it all makes sense..took me several tries LoL. And I still don’t think it’s clear. To each couple their own. Y’all know what works for y’all and that’s the end of that!
To me, it sounds, more like she has only a limited amount of time in which to chill. She chooses to spend the vast majority with her girlfriend, so when her gf says it is cool to meet up with her own friends occasionally… go for it and major relationship ‘brownie’ points for sasha.
I really hate when people say that a couple is co-dependent when they wanna spend their off-work hours most of the time together if they work many many hours. If we were fucking co-dependent, we wouldn’t be able to separate from each other long enough to spend 12 hours at work a day for the last 7 fucking days in a row. I’m just sayin’. When other people call you co-dependent tell them to mind their own fucking business and relationships. I bet their relationships are no better… and probably much worse. It is natural to want that time together to yourselves most of the time because you are giving it up to a job all fucking day every day. And by the way, when a couple commits to each other they are spiritually supposed to come together to become one entity. You don’t completely lose your own identity or keep each other from seeing other friends and family. Those are extremes. But you do have to make your partner your first priority. Because guess what? Your friends will fail you. They will leave you in your hour of need in order to care for their loved ones as well. And well they should. Sasha your problem is not that you want to be with Remi. Your problem is that you need to be able to be comfortable enough with yourself to do things entirely alone separate from Remi when she is at work or otherwise occupied or obliged. This is the only way you make new friends and experience new social connections that keep you from becoming co-dependent. The test of your co-dependence is not whether you want to be with Remi when you have limited time or not…. it is whether you can actually do anything alone without at least SOMEONE to drag with you. Are you able to make your own friends? Can you go shopping for groceries alone? Can you sit at a coffee shop alone and write? If so, then you are NOT co-dependent. You just want the time with your partner you are giving up while she works her butt off. By the same token I guarantee you that Sarah is right… we do wish we could be doing those things with you while we are at work and sometimes we feel left out to be at work while you are checking out museums or going out for coffee with friends. Work sucks.
Nothing in your post scares me in the least. This is not a sign of being on the road to splitsville, or even a sign that you are co-dependent. From previous posts, I have gleaned that you like to stay in. Remi probably likes a little more social outings to unwind from wok pressures. So instead of insisting she stay home with you, you tell her if she wants to go out, then that’s alright with you. This is very wise and adult of you, but it isn’t so easy in practice is it? You were probably stuck in a struggle of “I want to go but I want to stay”. It would be interesting to hear how much Remi enjoyed being out without you. I’ll bet she didn’t have anywhere near as much fun as she does when you’re with her. I, for one, see absolutely NO PROBLEM if a couple spends every moment they possible can together. If that means 24/7 for months on end, I still don’t see a problem. If people are happier being together, then who is to say it’s unhealthy? All the canned psycho babble about co-dependence is so general anyway. Couples need to follow their own rythms and ignore all the drips who want put every relationship in the same mold.
I have a mjor case of social anxiety and agoraphobia. If it weren’t for my amazing partner going with me to do things, I would never leave my house. Amazon.com is my best friend.
We;ve been together 3 years and love spending any free time we have together, luckily for me. Since I hate doing too much social stuff, i always encourage “J” to go out and see her friends without me. Which she does, but not before going over the date with me first and making sure I have something to do while she’s gone.
I know that’s not her job to make sure I’m entertained 100% of the time, but she loves me enough to want to make sure I’m ok when she’s out having fun with her friends. Sometimes that’s just renting some movies for me to watch while she’s gone and ordering pizza.
Maybe next time Remi could make sure you actually had something to do while she’s out playing. Sounds like she just jumped the gun and didn’t makes sure you were really OK with the actual time she was going out.
Good luck you guys. I love your blog.
OK it looks like everyone else already covered it but I still want to put my two cents in ….
Yea yea, good for Sasha that she’s adult enough to let her gf go to a CASINO without her. Has anyone else not thought that through? Gambling, drinking, waitresses that look like hookers?! Um, yea, great plan Sasha.
But she also said it was supposed to be time when they BOTH DID SOMETHING without the other. What the fuck happened to that part? Guess Remi got so excited about getting out on the town without her gf in tow, she totally forgot about that part of the deal.
So now, Sasha’s going to be home alone and from what it sounds like, she’s always home alone. While her gf goes out for a guys night out on the town.
Wow. Remi doesn’t sound as faultless as she usually does. I think she dropped the ball on this one. The only question is was it on purpose?
Let’s think about all this a little more objectively without the Lens of Lesbian Drama to distort the picture a bit. Sasha says Remi works crazy long and late hours. That probably means that there’s not a lot of time on her work days to try and make a point to schedule friend time when she gets off. By logical extension, if I were told I needed to go out be social without my girlfriend (by my girlfriend herself), then I too would probably schedule it during the time when I am usually social – which, for Remi, would be on her day off.
There really doesn’t have to be any more to it than that. It isn’t an indicator of bad intentions or suspicious behavior.
Even beyond that, it’s a little disturbing to read what I think are some pretty unreasonable expectations other people – who are not Sasha – have for Remy. Exactly why would it be her job to make sure every second of Sasha’s time is occupied? I don’t think that’s even what Sasha expects, but that some readers do makes me cringe. The girl isn’t a child, she doesn’t have to be babysat every waking moment and she probably doesn’t want to be.
Another thing I noticed that is a little unfair – and I may be misinterpreting what I read – is that Sasha’s hope would be that Remi do her things while Sasha already had her own plans…meaning it’s been ok already for Sasha to go and do things without Remi while Remi is off of work. Maybe I read that wrong, and if so, I apologize. If that were the case, though, then it’s sort of lopsided.
Look, I say all this stuff having been in both Sasha and Remi’s shoes. I’ve seen my girl make plans on a day I sort of just assumed was going to be open to “us” time and threw my own little fit about it. Likewise, I’ve been the one to sort of make plans without clearing it first. It’s just about effective communication. If you work a lot or have a hectic lifestyle, then yeah, sometimes there’s gonna be misfires.