A young femme needs our help! So put your good-advice caps on and let’s set this chickie on the right road.
Hello.
I’ve never done this before so I apologize in advance. I’m a 20-something year old femme in college. I belong to a sorority, and one of the major catch 22s about the south, I have a conservative family. In a nutshell, I’m in the closet. Ill attend the gay club pretty regularly,but there is usually no one there attractive, single, or not an asshole. I’ve been told I’m an attractive girl, and I know if I try can get pretty much anyone I want. However, I have trouble meeting the right girls and getting over my shyness.
I have had several relationships with girls, and 3 of them cheated on me. This is not an excuse for my current status, however its affected how I look at people. I also have certain things that I look for in a girl, such as style, looks, personality. I don’t think I’m being picky or high maintenance, I just don’t want to settle anymore. But where do I find someone or what do I do to meet that girl?
I really appreciate you taking the time to read this lengthy call for help. Thank you.
~ Sincerely, Sorority Femme
Hope it’s okay to throw my advice hat into the ring as a newbie. Well, okay, not advice, just tips I learned along the way in a very similar situation. I, too, come from a *very* conservative Southern family and go to a college that’s just about as conservative. It’s definitely tough to navigate Southern culture as a lesbian just coming into her own, but take heart, it can be done!
The first thing I’d recommend is that you try online dating. It’s not nearly as creepy as it was ten or even five years ago. No, really, I swear. I actually met my girlfriend online on a Christian message board of all places! So, dating sites aren’t the only option but they can be a good place to start since you know that the other people on there are interested in, well, dating. It takes away some of the guesswork involved in flirting up that cute chick at a party. There are sites where you can specify that you don’t want anyone who isn’t gay contacting you/looking at your profile, so it’s ideal for someone who can’t be fully out but still wants to mingle with the local lezzie scene. Then, there are sites that cater only to women looking for other women. Gotta love niche marketing!
When you said gay club, I assume you meant a dance club, but I could be wrong. If not, consider looking into whether your university has an actual social club for GLBT students. It might not be listed on the official college website, but doing a quick search for Facebook groups can yield results. If that’s a no-go, seek out the nearest GLBT community center in your town, or a nearby city. These places can be a fantastic source of support and new friends, and often have some sort of lesbian book or support-type group to offer. Even if you don’t meet the woman of your dreams there, you might make a friend who can introduce you to her!
Then, of course, there is the gym. I’ve always found martial arts classes to be a plentiful habitat for our sapphic sisters, even here in the South. It’s a little cliche, but women’s sports teams are a goldmine too. Unfortunately, in my case, that also meant having to play a sport, but if you’re the athletic type then by all means give it a try!
When all else fails, you never know. You could wind up meeting the right person when you least expect it. It’s a total cliche, but life is funny like that and I’ve seen it happen that way more times than I can count. But for goodness sake, don’t feel bad for having standards and not wanting to settle! You have plenty of time to find the *right* woman. I know that personally, I’m glad I didn’t start dating right when I was coming out (even if just to myself and a few friends and family) because I still had a lot of my own identity to sort out before I was ready to love someone else. Sometimes having to wait can be a blessing in disguise because you might be learning things about yourself and growing in ways right now that are preparing you for your future relationship. From one Southern femme to another, I wish y’all the best of luck!
Hm, I’m also in the single and not settling boat. It helps if your goal is to work on yourself, as opposed to looking for a mate or a miss-right-now. Some things to consider is that since you’re in the closet (and maybe femme presenting) many lesbians and women-loving-women will consider you a no-zone for their own mental and emotional well being. The stress of it all can bring out the worst in people. I’m not telling you to come out, I’m sure you’ll know when the time is right for you. You may just have to move soon after graduation. Also, consider the kind of personality traits and looks that you’re attracted to, and where they may overlap into a cheating, manipulative personality. If you find some common threads, you should snip them, and teach yourself to either not be attracted to them period, or consider them warning signs to temper your attraction.
Try different groups that are of interest to you not JUST “single” meeting activities. This way you will have something in common w the person hopefully. Put yourself out there- yeah I NEED to take my own advice on that.
And please OMDG whatever you do realize that the age group 22 through 34 is really the easiest/best time to meet someone. It’s the age group when people really mix and mingle before settling into relationships. Don’t fuck it up ( the opportunities of that age range meting people) like I personally did 
and date men JUST because your family is conservative when you only want to be with women,, hello I could write a book on this- well I wrote a poem on it hehe (shameless plug 
it’ll be posted on CCL soon). And now mid/late 30s realizing damn it I should have dated who I (ME) wanted to NOT who society wanted me too, but now its MUCH harder to meet singles. Another thing don’t focus entirely on looks. Of course you need to be attracted to the person BUT personality, loyalty, resect, kindness, trustworthiness, thoughtfulness is most important. Looks fade. Personality remains. If the person’s personality sucks you are screwed.
You should never settle. You diserve to have the perfect girl for you. I know how you feel about now looking at people differently now. Being cheated on sucks, but you can’t forever not trust everyone. As for finding “her” try looking around more, look in places you might not usually look for her. Growing up and living in the south can suck, because of some limitations I was born and raised in Texas but, it isn’t so bad because for me somehow gays found me. So you should have no problem finding someone great for you. Good luck. =)
Also, remember: if you’re looking at people differently, perhaps that of all things is a sign that you are not yet ready for a relationship, and need to work on your core. It wouldn’t be fair to punish a new girl for the mistakes of the last.
There’s no rush. It’ll happen when it happens. I’m a 20 something year old college student too, closeted like you, with really conservative parents, I can’t come out until I graduate otherwise I might get disowned and that would put my college career to a dead halt, w/c will defer my coming out/freedom. That’s the last thing I want considering I do really well in school and can’t wait to be fully independent. Just be patient. Trust what they say, don’t settle.