Long Beach Pride is coming up this weekend. Woooofuckingdooo. I don’t want to go!
Let me begin by saying that I have bitched so much about not wanting to go, I’m tired of hearing myself complain. Or maybe that’s mostly in my head, but still …. I have to listen to it.
I know I sound like such a drag. But really? I am in a place of utter and total overwhelment (yes, I think I made that word up). I’m crying all day long when Remi’s at work. I can’t stand to leave my house right now. I’m behind in every single thing that I need and should be doing. I can’t stand crowds or people or even getting dressed right now. Everything feels too heavy, even my arms and breathing feels like an exhausting chore that I’d rather not do.
The last fucking thing I want to do is plaster on a fake smile and be drug around Pride by my probably drunk girlfriend. Being the only sober one at things like this, is no fun. Believe me I know, I was stone cold sober last year too and that was a disaster as well.
I don’t know, maybe Pride is jinxed for me. I have never EVER had fun at a Pride festival.
But I can’t exactly be the wet blanket for my girl and my friend Lesbian Bait, who is looking forward to her first Pride or our other best friend, Amazon who’s bringing her gorgeous girlfriend that I have yet to meet. So there. I’m stuck sucking it up and trying not to ruin everyone’s day while I know I’ll be holding back tears and wanting to go screaming and running out of there the entire time.
As if that weren’t enough. I have nothing to wear.
On the bright side, maybe something good will happen, like I could die in my sleep or something before then so I won’t have to go. Here’s hoping.
Whoa, Sasha. I think you need to forget about Pride. That looks like the least of your problems. Does Remi know how bad you’re really doing right now? I’m sure if she did, she wouldn’t care about Pride. I’ve always read your blog and have never seen you use images like that one.
Be safe Sasha. I know it sounds cliche but it WILL GET BETTER.
Sasha, you’ll have more fun then you think at Pride. If you’re with good people and it looks like you will be, you’ll have a blast!
Don’t stress about it. Just go and hang with your friends. It’s that simple.
Sasha – Please please please get the support you need. Whether it’s a trusted friend to process with, or a therapist, or just having someone sit in the same room so you’re safe. You do not need to handle this all alone.
Remi – I think you probably already know this, but Sasha should really not be left alone right now. Bipolar depression is *incredibly* powerful and overwhelming, and telling the person to “be safe” or “think of the people who need you” does not do the trick. We can hurt ourselves in the blink of an eye, because the thoughts, feelings, and voices are so terribly overbearing. It doesn’t take a plan, it just takes a moment. Please don’t leave her alone.
Sasha,please talk to Remy. You sound so sad, talk to someone and I know Remy will understand about Pride.
Sasha ANSWER YOUR PHONE. Or I’m coming over there.
The pressure you feel is obvious. You should take it easy on yourself and if you don’t want to go, then don’t. Being a girlfriend isn’t like having a job. There are no command performances. If Remi wants to go, then she should be able to. That may be part of your stress. Being conflicted with what you don’t feel like doing vs. feeling guilty for not going with your gf, and also maybe a bit wary that there are other girls out there who would love to get their hands on your gf. These are the times that can deepen your relationship. Trust and support can carve deeper trenches in love.
Wow !!!! Sasha u should get a massage…will help out all that bad thinking !! If u don’t want to go then don’t it’s not hard ur gf..friends should understand & be supportive !!
WoW! I thought I was all alone in my crappy state. After, dealing with crappy people!! (((BIG BIG HUGS))) to you!!
I wanna cry for you, hun. I know it may be hard to do..but maybe it’s not a bad idea to go to Pride. Get out of the house and be around some good people? Maybe?
Or ya could do what I’m doing lol send the gf out to do some yard work & oogle the butch!! LOL hope that at least made ya smile.
(((HUGS))) sometimes words just don’t cut it!
Wow Sasha. I know, because I’ve been where you are, that what the scariest part of this post is what you’re NOT SAYING.
A picture is worth a thousand words and the pic you chose tells more then every word you wrote.
I hope and pray that Remi gets how bad this is getting for you. But if you’re at all like me, you’re saying things like, ‘I’m fine. I’m ok, it’ll be ok, don’t worry about me honey.’ meanwhile, you probably have random images of creative ways to end it all running through your head as you smile and nod, trying to convince people you’re not as sick as you really are.
Remi, Sasha needs you more right now then you may realize. I’m praying for both of you.
Fuck pride. Go to the doctor! Tomorrow!
Listen to my tired, old dyke ass. GO GET HELP. NOW.
Take a book, a soda, and go sit in the office til you see some one. Do not leave til you get help. That is what we pay them for.
Your woman may not say this to you, but I just did.
I’d take you myself, if I could. GO!
Please.
OMG Sasha, this post really scared me because my fiance was bipolar also. She tended to get very upset and swing into deep deep lows whenever special events would roll around. Her mind would go over and over a million tiny details that no one else could even think of but her. Before she knew it she would work herself up into knots and get sick. This happened with every vacation we ever took, every big day that came up, graduations, birthdays, Christmas, New Years, anything that involved travel plans or large amounts of people or family. I honestly think she was just mortified at the thought of letting people down that in the end she would end up ruining her own big days. She tried everything she could to get better and not disappoint anyone.
There were times that I knew she was feeling down but she would try to hide it behind telling me she was fine. Another thing I noticed was that the worse she got, the more irritable she would get with me and everyone else. I think now, when looking back on it that she was trying to push me away with her angry outbursts and I’m ashamed to tell you that it worked at times. I never left her but I did let that put a wedge of hurt and resentment between us, because she would say such hurtful things when I should have realized how hurt that meant she was at the time. But hindsight is 20/20
My amazing, beautiful, creative, brilliant girlfriend was taken from me one night when she decided that the voices and images in her head were right. She left me a note that apologized for being such a burden and waste of time. She thought that she ruined “important” nights in my life when all I wanted to tell her was that she was the only important thing in my life and every night with her was important.
Now she’s gone and there will never be a vacation or a birthday or a Christmas time that is important again, because she took herself away from me forever.
I can promise you that if Remi loves you, Pride doesn’t mean shit to her if she even has half a clue as to how this might be pushing you over the edge. Because this is an edge you can’t come back from.
Sasha, you need to be in the hospital. Now. Tonight. I hope Remi reads this and takes you to the doctor ASAP.
I wish I could go back in time and tell the love of my life that she was all that mattered. Not events with strangers. I was always a social butterfly and she was usually more quite. I know she felt pressure to try to fit into my lifestyle. But now I have no life without her.
Please please please tell Remi that you need help.
Fuck Pride baby girl. Take care of yourself.
Come down to my place and I’ll let you and Remi have the guesthouse for as long as you want. Pool, spa, good food, I’ll take care of you guys the whole time.
Most of all, please feel better no matter what you have to do to get there.
Maybe going would be good for you? I dn’t want to sound like the ass that tells you to push thru it but maybe it will make you feel better? Just sayin’ maybe you should just go and not have any expectations and go to people watch?
Either way, I wish you wellness. Nothing is more important then you staying alive.
Sasha, I used to know you, very well. I know that you can be an amazing friend and an amazing girlfriend. But when you start to feel bad, like really really bad, you pull away and you push those who love you the most away.
You need to learn how to let people in. Let people take care of you. Let people in.
You scared me to death one night, a long long time ago. I won’t go into details on here, but I thought I had lost you.
Losing you in my life, but knowing that you’re still alive, I can handle. Knowing that you are loved by Remi is bitter sweat. Knowing that I can never be that for you hurts. But the thought of you not being around for someone to love and be loved by you is a pain I can’t bear to even think about.
I also know that for you to post this blog, including that pic says a lot more then you probably meant to let on to the rest of us.
All I can say is that I know from personal experience that loving you is something amazing and it would be a tragedy to lose a person like you to a disease like this. Please don’t do anything you can’t take back. Don’t do that to Remi.
I hated reading this post because it sounded eerily like my sister. She was bipolar as well and eventually lost the battle that constantly went on in her head. She took her life at the age of 34 last Christmas.
We were twins and I never understood why she had it and I didn’t. I do struggle with depression but from a life time of growing up with a twin with bipolar I know too well that it’s those mixed manic states / irritable / crashes / wild swings from laughing to crying / zoning out and not being able to even form words, I know that that is the most dangerous time ever.
The truth comes out in sarcastic jokes and little tidbits of whats really going on in your head. People don’t “joke” about suicide if it’s not really an option in their heads.
I wish I had taken my sister’s sarcastic, flippant comments about wanting to kill herself over small things. Because you know what? She did.
It was over something so stupid and something we could have avoided if anyone had realized how far gone she really was. But right before she did it, she seemed ok. She smiled and joked and told us how much she loved us and acted like everything was “fine.” I hate that word. “fine” is code for so fucked up you can’t say anything but fine.
sasha. Get help. Don’t be alone right now. It only takes one rash moment when everything seems out of control for you to do something that will end your life and ruin the lives of everyone that loves you.
It only takes ONE RASH MOMENT.
All things are impermanent.
That fact is really the only true thing that is guaranteed to us in this life. Everything that begins will eventually end.
This episode, this spell – it’s gonna pass, and you know that.
Your own experience tells you that when you go through times like this, while you feel like it’s forever trapped in the muck at the bottom of a muddy pond, eventually you are going to bob back up to the surface. You always do, and you always will.
This state is impermanent. It is going to end.
I don’t know if remembering that is going to help, but it can’t hurt, and might be an anchor.
Same goes for Pride. If you decide to suck it up and go, you know it’s going to end and you won’t have to deal with it for another whole year. Likewise, if you’re not up for it, it’s just one one weekend that you miss and there’s 51 others to make up for it.
Just remember that as slow as it feels now, it will pass.
Take care of yourself first! You don’t have to go… I am sure the people who really care about you understand…. I don’t like pride much either and I won’t be going this year. I never really have fun there… It’s like paying 20 bucks a day to be bored out of your mind and then have to shell out even more money to drink watered down beer. Stay in and do something you and Remi would both like to do as a couple. I told my girlfriend that we live everyday like it’s pride… We don’t need to go to pride… lol… Your friends can go on there own. Anyway. I hope you feel better soon. I’m sorry you are having a hard time right now. The great thing about life is that you can only be feeling down for so long and then it gets better. When you’re at the bottom of the cycle there is no where to go but up. You’ll be ok… Promise.
Sasha,
Your words about dying struck me strongly. But it was the PICTURE that Scared Me.
I also have been reading your Blog since the beginning and I’ve Never Sensed you to be this LOW.
Talk to Remi – NOW.
You’re a Talented Writer and Beautiful Woman with a Caring Heart.
Please REACH OUT.
… Here’s Hoping.