Guest Lesbian

That Question

By Guest Writer, Effi Mai

Another night in Straight Scene. Yey… Not. I need to make sure I say no to these things, I need to cling onto the walls of my flat and not let my friends drag me out. Or I should just move house. Maybe America, where people think my accent is cute not annoying. And this was another particular bad night out when I got that question.

It’s the question that makes you want to bitch slap the man in front of you and hurl custard or something equally as horrible over his friends. The question that makes you point to your girlfriend in utter frustration. The question that as a lipstick lesbian I have been asked so-many-freaking-times. The question of ‘Can I join in?’

Now I understand that sometimes straight girls go out and kiss each other to get the attention. But I think some men actually think that the definition of lesbian is ‘Sexually unsatisfied and need man for threesome.’ In front of these types of men everything you do seems to be bigger. A girlfriend could dance naked dressed as a bumble bee when you’re alone and you wouldn’t bat an eyelid. But if she was to grab your hand and kiss you out in public where the ‘real 3 dimensional judging people’ are, I think it changes everything.

Last week for example I was out with a lovely lady and we were both wearing similar type dresses when this ‘lad’ did an I’m-so-cool type swagger over to us, grabbed my girl’s arse and said ‘How about I put a real one inside you.’ It’s very difficult to know which part of that sentence to get more annoyed at. This confused me so much I felt like having a tantrum right there in the middle of the club and then downing ten tequilas.

It’s not like I want to cover myself in UV rainbow paint and mount a girl, but it would be nice to just hold hands with a woman without feeling all those eyes boring into you. It’s-change-the-duvet-cover exhausting sometimes trying to find somewhere to be able to do this. We couldn’t get this annoying egged-on-by-his-friends-twat-weasels to leave. First it was the I’m-just-a-lovely-man-looking-for-some-fun speech and then as he got more drinks for himself it turned into a you-can’t-be-a-dyke-you’ve-got-long-hair drone.

It’s just astonishing now that wearing the dresses, applying the blusher and putting on the heels doesn’t get you banned from the lesbian club. And some men do need to realize that some women are actually couples, as in kiss-and-hold-hands-and-stuff couples, and they probably manage quite well on their own in the bedroom department.

So my plan next time that question is asked is to just smile and walk off, carry on kissing or tell the man to pick one of his male friends and have a who-will-go-the-furthest contest. When one is considering licking his best friend’s chest, I’m sure they’ll soon get the message.

 

This article has 17 comments

  1. Elegy

    “First it was the I’m-just-a-lovely-man-looking-for-some-fun speech and then as he got more drinks for himself it turned into a you-can’t-be-a-dyke-you’ve-got-long-hair drone.” UGH. Guys like him set themselves up as these charming victims just trying to help along “the right girl.” Really, they’re jerks who think we owe them their time because we’re chicks and they’re horny….

    “‘Nice guys’ who call themselves ‘nice guys’ make me think of this:” http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m52gya5zF41qham3co1_500.jpg

  2. Grrl

    ‘How about I put a real one inside you?” I woulda slapped the c***! I HATE shit like that. And how disrespectful! I get it a bit, along with the ‘oh you’re gay? What a shame.’ My girlfriend doesn’t think so! Why do men think women are here to entertain them, that lesbians go against the natural order?

  3. Rexie

    @Grrl – “Why do men think women are here to entertain them, that lesbians go against the natural order?”

    Perhaps because the penis is an obelisk to the male ego. It’s alllllll about the ego.

  4. Sasha

    That is one tiny obelisk!!

    They should realize any thing that has that small of an idol should be worshipped in relative proportion. *snicker* …. Ok, taking off my man-hating lesbian hat now. Since I actually don’t mind that men love their dicks do much. I blame their mothers.

  5. Rexie

    @Sasha – *snort giggle guffaw*

  6. virgo

    Meh, I’m not into the club scenes at all, so I don’t do any of that. The number of idiots is quadrupled in club environments, then add drinks to the mix and you have a living hell, no thanks to that. I’d rather stay at home and read a good book, etc.

  7. Jul

    “How about I put a real one inside you?”

    I try to just handle it with humor…like, “well…if it were over an inch, maybe she’d be tempted.”

    It’s disgusting that we don’t get more respect in society…then again, every societal message tells people not to respect us. We have no legal rights most of the time – even to hold a job.

    Immasculation always works for me.

  8. Leslie

    I hate that! I have even had male friends tell me I needed a girlfriend who would allow him to watch, join etc. I wouldn’t allow you to do any of those things either hello! UGH, some men.

  9. Raye

    How about “fuck off assclown.” and knee him in the balls? He has it coming.

  10. Grrl

    Bahaha – I like Raye’s approach. Have used the first part before, yet to use my knee . . .

  11. Effi

    It was just mental. It stil amazes me how many lads think that lesbians don’t exist and that we’re just all here to please men. Another fail of a night. And they had run out of pizza in the pizza shop too. Which made things a BILLION times worse!!

  12. Elegy

    ” And they had run out of pizza in the pizza shop too. Which made things a BILLION times worse!!” LOL! Yes, you really need to come to the US, just so we can hang.

  13. Heather

    I hate to say it but I think part of the problem is porn… Just look at so called lesbian porn,… Women competing for the man’s attention… Then being joined in by the men for that final amazing orgasm!

  14. Jazmenha

    Heather GAG!!!! I have never seen lesbian porn w the man joining in -I’d have to wash out my eyeballs. It’s been a very long time since I’ve seen any porn but when I did watch it there were never any men in it ONLY women. All types of porn I guess.

  15. WWG

    Effi, your posts are always so funny and relatable. Love it!

    And Heather, I think you’re onto something there.

  16. Jul

    It doesn’t make me angry at all that men want to watch…it can be disgusting, but I can’t blame them – women are hot! Even though I insult the guys who are voyeuristic (because they can be annoying about it), I realize their annoyance is because they are likely aroused. Sometimes they retort back with a good comeback – and I like that.

    People are often morons when aroused…and they get the point….sometimes after I ask them to buy us drinks & chat. I’m fine with that. It opens up discussion – and every so often, some guy leaves learning a little more that we’re not just ‘fuck buddies,’ but real people – women who truly love each other, share a life together…and also like to fuck. It’s harder to objectify people you share a laugh with, and call you out on a funny way on your own stuff.

    As for me, I never ‘got’ lesbian porn or why people like it. It just seems so worthless – why not just get laid and see it live?

  17. Effi

    – LOL! Yes, you really need to come to the US, just so we can hang. – Yes that is a good plan 🙂 Maybe once I publish my books I will have enough money and I will get on the terrifying plane for the long long journey and it will all be dandy 🙂

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