So there is this website I ran across and fell in love with. It’s called the The Feminist eZine. It’s chocked full of articles pertaining to feminism, both historically and currently. It brought me back to my old college days of hanging out with all my women’s study friends and wondering why none of them had boyfriends or shaved their legs. But I couldn’t help but feel attracted to this group of women even if, at the time, and perhaps even now, my version of feminism never really matched up.
As I was reading through The Feminist eZine, I ran across a historical article that was an actual excerpt from textbooks that were widely read throughout schools during the 50′s. At first I laughed at the audacity of an entire society telling an entire gender how to behave in such a submissive and subservient manner.
But then I cringed a little at how close this article was to my own life. Eeeeek!!!! How did this happen?! How did I become “The Good Wife”?! Everything that I had always rebelled against, even in my earliest years of girlhood. When all my cousins declared their life goal was to be a wife and mommy someday, I scoffed at them openly. Defiantly standing my ground that one day I would be a lawyer or a Charlie’s Angel ….. perhaps an archeologist AND choreographer. But never, EVER a house wife.
I have thought about this many times since tying the knot with Remi. How is it that domestic bliss is just that? Bliss. How did I fall into the lifestyle that used to make me gag, and now makes me so happy? Have I betrayed my inner feminist? Have I let the dream die of being that independent, woman that would never EVER marry ……. a man.
Wait a minute! I haven’t sold out to a patriarchal society that molds women into submissive servants and sexual objects for men!!!! No ma’am!!!! In fact, I’ve done just the opposite!!! I’ve done, what could be argued at one of the most feminist, empowering things a woman can do. I married another woman. And by doing so, have proven to society that a woman no longer needs heterosexual matrimony to survive, to be taken care of, to be happy, to be whole or to be what the world tries to make you think you must be in order to be a woman.
By marrying another woman, I have taken the paradigm and flipped it on it’s ear. It might even make some feminist mad that we have still taken on, to some extent the old fashioned gender roles. But it shouldn’t. Because when two women embrace the butch/femme dynamic or whatever term makes you feel comfortable …. it’s not selling out to a heterosexual normative and trying to imitate something that we will never be. What is is, though, is what feminism is all about, at it’s core. It is a woman or in our case, two, that are free enough to live the life of our choosing, together. Without the restrictions of society, religion or class to stop us.
Read the following excerpt and you will undoubtedly cringe at the thought of an entire generation of American women being taught this in the public school system. Hopefully you will laugh too, especially if you happen to see yourself anywhere in it. And if you do happen to recognize a few things, don’t feel bad. Just smile at the thought of what Joe Blow would have thought if he knew that he might not get the Jane of his dreams because she was planning on being a ‘good wife’ to Doris.
The Good Wife’s Guide
The following is excerpts from a 1950′s home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life:
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a deliciousmeal — ontime. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.
I actually try to do this most days that I’m feeling “myself.” On my bad days, she comes home and makes dinner for both of us. The beauty of having a wife.
2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.
I always try to “be a little gay”
3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.
I try to get all the dog toys out of her path and clean the house a bit.
4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.
I always try to tire out the dogs and play with them so they don’t jump all over her right when she walks in the door.
5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him.
I actually do ALL of this.
6. Some Don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.
Check and double check.
7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.
What can I say? I’m a one woman harem. I do actually do this too.
8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.
I try to do this … I usually do this. But sometimes I burst at the seems with whatever little news I have the minute she walks in. Thankfully she seems to find this amusing.
9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.
My mother actually reminds me of this one and I try to do it.
10. The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can relax.
Well …. OK ….. so we could be the lesbian version of the Cleavers. What do you want from me?!
To me, I think the biggest difference and main point to consider when thinking something as a choice:
Doing something because you’re told and conditioned to, versus doing something because you love someone, want them to be happy, and that is *your* mode of expression when it comes to love.
And of course there’s also considering lifestyles: if we were both working traditional 9-to-5s then I’d probably lean more towards us splitting things. If I was home most of the time (working at home, or working on making the house a home), I’d consider the house to be part of my work, so of course I’ll have the time to prioritize cleaning.
What Elegy said!
At the risk of sounding chauvinist, I have to say that all of these things are thoughtful and good suggestions. Being the only breadwinner in my household, it really is nice to come home to peace and order and not feel pressured to take her out when all I wanna do is relax in my cozy home. She makes it a million times cozier when she takes my stress away after I have dealt with the work world all day, night. However, no woman should be forced to do any of this. If I thought my partner was not soothing me but fulfilling some social expectations against her will, while secretly resenting me, I would not want any of these things from her. I would move on to someone who appreciated the fact that I work my ass off so that she can stay home away from the stresses of asshole bosses and dickhole customers and just be able to go to spin class and try new recipes and read quietly while enjoying her morning coffee before folding some laundry and tidying up the house. I try to help around the house when I have the energy and I make repairs to the house and vehicles when necessary. But I don’t consider a partner taking care of the home anti-feminist, I consider it a fair contribution to an equal set of responsibilities. And if I come home from work after 12 hours and she has been at home all day, I don’t think it is too much to ask for peace, quiet and dinner. Rubbing my feet is greatly appreciated if she wants to do so but by no means ever expected. I provide my partner with sunset sails, nice dinners, concerts, couples massages, and pretty much most anything else she asks for if I can afford it. These suggestions seem rather reasonable to me for the most part. But that is only in my circumstances. Others share financial responsibility and to ask them to do all that in addition to work would not be fair.
the difference with old school housewives and new age housewives is that we have a choice. these women were molded into that life from birth! i get a little twisted being a housewife sometimes. the house never stays clean. it’s the same hum drum thing every day. that’s any job, though. i have to remind myself. i miss making my own money and doing special things like raye mentioned for my partner. i have to keep reminding myself that i am doing something special for my hunny every single day! and she is for me every single day. she works very hard to provide for our little family. and i try my damnedest to make life less stressful.
i know that without me she wouldn’t be eating right if at all. she would loose a lot more sleep trying to keep the house in some order while working all the time. our boys would be up all night, sleeping all day, and eating crap, too.
we haven’t always been housewives. it wasn’t our original idea. but it works with our families. we’re very blessed to have this arrangement
I agree with Sarah M. in that the difference now from then is a matter of choice. It’s not like we will get dragged by our hair (though some of us may like that!) if we don’t obey our “master”.
I get impatient with the feminists who get their knickers in a twist at the mere mention of “housewife”. In order to survive, there are certain tasks that have to be kept up. Survival of the fittest is all about who does that best, and it is commonly understand by humans that doing things in tandem with a partner increases the chances of survival, as well as makes things easier for both. Going beyond just the coupling, the whole idea of tribes is based on community and sharing tasks and bounty for the benefit of all. The roles were assigned to who was the best able to do them, and things haven’t changed much. The community has expanded and we now live solitary lives in our own little huts and use the services found at town center: grocery, gas, etc., we still have some form of community that is now commerce.
In nature, most animals use the same survival techniques depending on the species. In birds, the female typically tends to the nest, and the male gathers food and other needed items that can be found away from the nest, and then comes back. I see nothing wrong with this assignment of tasks, and I applaud those who are able to figure it out and be content with it. True, lesbians choose a partner who isn’t as radically different from them as a man can be, but the same things still need to be done in order to survive and those tasks still need to be assigned to the one best suited. Best of both worlds, I’d say. You get to do what you are good at, plus not have to put up with the exasperation of men. Well done, Sasha! You keep it up and you will find that you have peace and contentment.
“It’s not like we will get dragged by our hair (though some of us may like that!) if we don’t obey our “master”. MEEEE!!! LOL!
now that’s an interesting perspective, Rexie!
it is now time to get the clothes out of the dryer before they wrinkle, change out the sheets. so, hubby has fresh clean sheets after a long day at work!
pick up said hubby and make her dinner!!! 
oh yeah!!
I commented on your 12 days of Christmas post that Remi was the best wife ever. I now ammend that to YOU are the best wife ever!
Dang! I work hard all day, too. This wife thing sounds like a pretty good deal.
Kenda- “Dang! I work hard all day, too. This wife thing sounds like a pretty good deal.”
I agree!
Raye- From what you wrote above I have to say the mutual respect you and Sarah share is truly beautiful. I can tell your union is one of equality and that is very admirable and a beautiful blessing to/for both of you. Can I send some hetero couples that I know to you guys for advice on what a REAL marriage (union of 2) looks like.
And Sasha, if the picture you posted is how it works, I highly recommend not “store testing for fresher coffee”.
its cute if you do this of your own accord but not if your forced to conform =)
Check, check, checkity checkcheckcheck. *And* I work a full-time job, too.
It’s a want to, not a have to. And that makes all the difference. (Even if I was raised that it is, in fact, a have to.)
“Because when two women embrace the butch/femme dynamic or whatever term makes you feel comfortable …. it’s not selling out to a heterosexual normative and trying to imitate something that we will never be.”
Amen!! LOL I can’t even count how many times I’ve heard this sentiment casually thrown about by straight friends. I mean, what, are we all supposed to be unemployed and never clean our homes to avoid the risk of “imitating” heterosexuality? There’s rent that needs to be paid, food that needs to be cooked and stuff that needs to be cleaned regardless of how many X chromosomes happen to be present in the relationship. The sense of entitlement it takes to believe that straight couples have a monopoly on those roles and that anyone who naturally falls into them for the sake of practicality must be playing copycat just boggles my mind.
I was definitely one of those “I’ll never be a housewife” types since my mum is one and the idea of turning into my mother is, well, panic-inducing. Now that I’m with an amazing woman, I’ve been forced to think about the whole thing in a new light. Learning to cook, and actually looking forward to taking care of our place is so strange but I’m actually surprised at how right and natural it feels as well. I love the idea of making sure that when she gets home from a long day at work, she has a safe haven. Taking care of her is fun, and it comes naturally. In turn, she takes care of me in the ways that come naturally for her, and fortunately they’re pretty complimentary so it all works out. No one’s forced to take on any role they don’t want, and there aren’t any expectations either. Context makes all the difference. : )
I second what Kat said. Also, when you get joy and pleasure out of doing loving things for your Partner (cooking/cleaning/sprucing up the home et cetera)IMO it certainly doesn’t qualify as an albatross of a “job.” Sure, all tasks get humdrum and boring at times, like a lot of stuff, but it all comes down to CHOICE. Why do we do what we do for whom? And when we do things within the parameters of a loving relationship, it’s a beautiful thing.
Plus, let’s get real… Garbage doesn’t take itself out!
This is why Remi is my idol. My 2012 resolution is to get into a better position career wise, so that someday I can be a good Lubby and deserve a beautiful femme wife like you Sasha.
xoxoxoxoxoxo to you and Remi.
I sort of hate Remi for getting what I never could. LOL, nah j/k. But it makes me wonder, what does she have that I didn’t?
hmmm that’s a full time job there good thing i will be the one coming home and not the one preparing (no offence femmes….)
I find this to be a bit of a case of respect. If they are off working their ass off to pay the bills, you should at least clean up after yourself and show a little appreciation for them supporting you… if that is the case. I know how it is to work all day then have to come home and clean and cook. IT SUCKS! So, I would of loved for this to be the case! No reheating left overs because they ate without me, or having to cook the entire meal myself. I don’t want to do the dishes when I get home, I want to relax. The problems. You know, if you’re in customer service especially, all you hear all day is whine whine whine complain complain complain. At least at work you get paid to listen to it! I don’t wanna come home and listen to more as soon as I walk in the door! I wanna share pleasant conversation for awhile and relax, THEN hear the problems of the day. That’s just me. I know the pains of it from when I was married. Yeah, to a man and I was the working one! I don’t want to take on that roll again! I’m perfectly happy being the housewife!
If you’re the Clevers… I’m the Simpson’s.
Damn… I’d rather be the Clevers.