I have a love hate relationship with this show. I love to hate it. But secretly I really just love it. 
I know lots of lesbians that like to talk trash about this show, but if it weren’t filled with drama, naked women, sex and more drama it really wouldn’t be worth watching it. So meh, I guess this is one of those times I could say “Don’t hate the playa, hate the game.”
Now down to the nitty gritty of last night’s show. Let’s just get to it: Romi’s BISEXUAL.
How do we feel about this??? I actually just got this email from a reader:
“Hey Sasha,
So I caught the first episode of season 3 of The Real L word last night. I’m usually very good at separating real life from these kinds of shows because I know the point is to stir up drama for the sake of entertainment but I will admit, this episode got to me on a personal level. From the very start we find out that Romi is in love but *shocker* she’s fucking a guy. The episode goes on to show that she’s afraid to tell her lesbian friends about this relationship in fear of being judged, to the point of having a secret relationship with him. That’s all fine and dandy, until she finally comes out to her friends and Alyssa clearly tells us viewers that she won’t judge Romi only to then call Whitney and tell her how quickly Romi bounces from one relationship to another and how grosse it is that she’s fucking a guy. I felt Romi’s anxiety trembling through me as she went to the LGBT event with her boyfriend in fear of judgement.
My issue is this, my hetero friends watch this show. What are they going to think when they see lesbians treating each other like this? Who gives a shit who she’s in love with/dating/sleeping with? We should be more understanding than this. I have friends who flip-flop, so what? Also, isn’t that part of being young? Finding out what’s right for you? And what happened to empathy, compassion, and patience? As the show ends there are previews to what’s to come this season and Whitney is seeing shouting out “she’ll steal your boyfriend and fuck your girlfriend!” or something like that. Here’s a cruel truth, if someone wants to cheat on you they’ll find a way to do it with a man or a woman, bi-sexuality doesn’t make a person sluttier.
Thoughts?”
Thoughts? Well I would be lying if I wasn’t a bit put off at first to hear she was back with men. I can’t help it! I had that knee-jerk reaction a lot of lesbians have when you hear we lost a team member! But I quickly got over it, because who really cares??
I do wonder how this will affect her “place” within the community. When I was identifying as BI, it was horrible. Women would actually be dancing with me and kissing me in a club, then when they asked me if I was BI or not, if I hesitated even a minute, they would literally turn and walk away from me. Just leave me there on the dance floor by myself! So yea, Romi might face some backlash from this.
Is that super hypocritical of the queer community? Fuck yea it is. Here we are fighting for our rights to be treated as equals, yet it’s hard for us to accept bisexuals sometimes. Why? Fuck if I have the answers. I’m one of the worst offenders! I’ve been on both sides of it and I’ve come to the conclusion that as long as everyone is honest, that’s all that matters.
What do you girls think? Is it really that big of a deal that Romi’s back to the penis? Should she even still be on the L word?
Now about the rest of the show …. um … Hello hot New Yorkers!!!! I’m not sure how I feel about the new cast members yet. They’re sexy that’s for sure. But it’s true, the NY vibe is very different from the LA vibe.
I’m definitely going to be watching this season. And the married couple is having a baby!!!!! OMG, is everyone having kids now, except for me??? 
But super happy for them, they’re an adorable couple.
So come on, let’s have it. Any breakout favorites? Love or hate the NY girls? And what’s up with all the soft porn?!!! Is this good or bad for our image, as lesbians?
I think it’s partially a “can’t relate” thing. I know, I’m a hypocrite too, I used to do dudes. But since coming out and realizing how little I desire them, whenever women discuss men sexually in enthusiastic terms, well, you can probably see the shades go down in my eyes. “Oh mah gawd, check out his chest and his pecs!” Ummm….yeah, and? (And can I say that male ass, which heterosexual women seem to love, is just ugly? Eww. Right, anyway.)
Is it hypocrisy? Sure. Absolutely. Is it self protection? Yes. When we get to a point where being gay isn’t considered “a phase” and something that means you “just haven’t met the right man yet” but is a respected orientation in and of itself, then I think us lesbian types will cease being bothered by bi types.
The other issue is visibility. As a femme lesbian, I’m aware that I’m not visible as it is anyway, unless I’m standing next to a woman who is equivalent to kd lang in butchness. Even then I’m assumed to be hetersexual and “progressive.” But if I’m within 20 feet of a guy, it’s assumed we’re sleeping together. So, when a bisexual woman ends up in a relationship with a guy, she’s no longer visible as one of us.
There’s an article about Anna Paquin, who is married and pregnant and recently came out as bi, that says this: “Married Anna Paquin Says She’ll Always Be Bisexual” (http://www.hollywoodlife.com/2012/05/03/anna-paquin-bisexual-married-interview/). Now, anyone who is on the queer spectrum would respond to that with a big ole “duh” because we know that just because a girl goes to marry a guy doesn’t mean her queerness suddenly died a happy, heterosexual death. But the fact that headlines like this exist make it impossibly clear – the world expects a woman’s sexuality to belong solely to men. That a woman has to defend her attraction to women and continuously push to keep the walls from closing in on her sexuality is the issue here.
I think that’s part of the problem lesbians have with bisexual women – the world is desperately trying to squeeze us out of the way, whether verbally, by force, or by subtle conversion tactics. Whenever a bisexual woman (or a “former lesbian”) ends up with a man, that’s one less person in the ring with us keeping the world from squeezing us into oblivion. Is it fair? Nope. What better way to drive bisexual women from wanting to claim their queer identity than shoving them out of the ring ourselves. But again, I think it partially goes back to relatability.
As for the show, I’ve not seen it (don’t have Showtime), but I’m looking forward to reading recaps.
Wait, I have an important question – did Kelsey cut her hair or is it just pulled back?
The whole sex every other scene thing kinda burgers me because it does portray us as being about blogging but sex, but it does also make the show better. That said, so I
In total, I have only ever watched 3 minutes of this show. The drama made me nervous. It wasn’t real, I know, but I didn’t want it barfing into my living room. It was bitchy. Catty. Negative. I think it shines a poor light on lesbians. God forbid if this is what the hetero world thinks this is how it is in Lesbianland. There is nothing “real” about it. Well, except maybe for some of the scene drama, but that’s why I don’t do scenes. Romi lost her card carrying membership. The show is not “The real B word”. I think part of the reason lesbians discriminate against bi-sexuals is because bi’s open the door for women-loving men to enter the L world. It’s a breach of security. It’s like “what’s HE doing here?” whenever a bi is so bold as to bring her man to a lesbian friends event, or include him in the circle of conversation. Some lesbians will look the other way, but most don’t want to hear about it or see it because it’s not what they’re interested in. Perhaps the writers of this particular script want to bring in the ratings and think broadening the representation might increase the appeal because straight men will feel included. If that’s the case, I have a message for them. I don’t know a straight man that isn’t turned on by the thought of two women together. Being what they are, they don’t mind not being included if they get to watch.
Not bi, don’t want a man, etc. voluntary disclaimer, whatever.
If a woman was flirting with me and asked me “are you bi?” in a context where she’s prepared to judge my sexuality, *I’d* be the one turned off and leaving. That said, I too have had the knee jerk, “no, not another teammate!” reaction, I don’t know why, I suppose it’s a remnant of how women are constantly being pitted against and played off each other by men as a unit, and we feel an instant distrust of anyone we (however naively or prejudiced) view as “sleeping with the ‘enemy.’” But still, sleeping with a guy doesn’t change what else we have in common: our love of women. It’s worth noting how we seem fine with straight women, and gay women, but any mysterious “other” in ANY social structure gets the community’s bad graces.
TRLW is a show, that provides me with many laugh out loud moments. This show is obviously not documentary material, it’s for entertainment purposes, a “lesbian” soap opera akin to a Mexican telenovela with it’s melodramatic characters. It’s definitely scripted and “reality tv” is merely a misnomer. I have mentioned this before, but I absolutely abhor drama and I don’t put up with it in my personal life, in any shape or form. Drama gets a swift kick into the pit, a la the movie “300,” Spartan style. I admit that I love observing other people’s drama from afar however, so long as I’m not personally involved and it’s in small doses.
In any event, I have a lot to say, so excuse the soap box moment.
1. In the email, it states, “I have straight friends… what are they going to think….” Frankly, if your friends watch a television show (an entertainment one at that) and then generalize a whole group of people based on the actions of a few individuals, then I would say they aren’t too “bright.” It’s similar to saying, “All Black people are ghetto, based on watching the show Cops.” I mean really? *blank stare*
2. I absolutely hate to hear the hypocrisy of the LGBT community (or otherwise) dismiss bisexuals or any other individual who chooses to identify a certain way as being “not this enough,” “not that enough,” whatever. It’s the same bullshit, biracial people get (as well as other people), when people say they’re not Black enough, they’re not White enough, they’re too White, they’re too Black, you talk White, your hair is too nappy, etc. What the fuck is “too Black?” “Too femme?” “Too butch?” “Too gay?” “Too nappy” “Too fat?” “Too skinny?” “Not gay enough to be on our team?” What fucking team?!?! People create false dichotomies and quid pro quo dynamics in order to separate and segregate individuals for their own agenda and political chess games. That’s what it is, a political chess game, where people put labels on others like they were pawns, so they can quickly divide and conquer according to their personal agenda and dismiss treating people like people.
Here’s the thing, labels are synonymous with privilege and how you are treated. If someone identifies a certain way, you have a certain privilege that someone else may or may not have. The thing with privilege is that we do not always choose our privilege. The “privileged status” pits you against your fellow man or woman whether it’s your choice (social) or not (biological). This “privileged status,” also encompasses things like invisibility and visibility within various communities of other privileged statuses. All of this, is similar to “niche markets,” which according to wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Niche_markets), “…is the subset of the market on which a specific product is focusing. So the market niche defines the specific product features aimed at satisfying specific market needs, as well as the price range, production quality and the demographics that is intended to impact.” In other words, labels and privilege hold a lot of power in this world with regards to identity, status and how one is treated based on the niche markets “we” create. Ask yourself, how powerful it is to claim your own identity and own it? How powerful it is to have the choice not to tell others what you identify as? How powerful it is to tell people that you are not what they think you are and that you do things on your own volition and not theirs? This power is a way to exploit humanity in order to serve a specific “niche market” and or agenda (usually political) and or more deviant ideologies, when it shouldn’t be like that in the first place. This “system” dislikes people who are versatile, who can easily flow and adapt from one spectrum to the other or fit in one box and move into another box because they are anomalies that cannot be clearly defined and pinned down. When you cannot pin down an individual, you have a threat to the established system because you cannot predict it’s versatility and when you cannot predict it’s versatility you have no control over the individual. In a worse case scenario, these “anomalies,” these “outcasts,” these “things that cannot be explained,” are put in books like the DSM-I, to further alienate and separate what cannot be understood and to dismiss individuals humanity and rights. The truth of the matter is, is that humanity as a whole is very versatile and kinetic, yet treated as stagnate entities. Due to the fact that “we” continue to try and put people in their place, or in their box from a stagnate point of view, “we” eliminate any room for versatility, which thus diminishes the rate of progress with regards to humanity.
Oh and one more thing, this whole “New York (Black) versus Los Angeles (White) [Yin Yang] lesbians” is a false dichotomy. People create false dichotomies in order to divide and conquer, based on power dynamics and the control that comes with such dynamics. Showtime and their type of marketing schemes create an illusion, a kind of “smoke and mirrors.” When you create controversy that is not “actual” controversy and then make it believable you keep people tuned in, thus the money keeps flowing, etc. It’s no different than the whole East Coast versus West Coast thing in the Hip Hop game, or on a more global scale, East (Asian) versus West (European), Islam versus Christianity (Crusaders), etc. In my opinion, all of this is “lower level functioning” and what I mean by that, is that people who do not know how to get beyond this type of thinking (false dichotomies), will continue to hold down humanity like an anchor to a ship, as it sits there like a waiting duck, calling the kettle black, without realizing that they’re a black kettle too.
Anyways, we are not separate entities, we are not stagnate entities, there are no “sides,” or “teams,” we are merely homosapiens, capable of living a versatile life that encompasses ALL that is possible, whatever that may be, or whatever you choose that to be.
*Slow clap*
Also, am I the only one who is in it for the recaps on Autostraddle? Those pictures. Those priceless, captioned reaction pictures.
@Elegy – Nope, I wait for those too, they are absolutely hilarious.
virgo – bravo!
Personally, I think this show is abysmal. It just sucks. This episode seems to illustrate why I hate it so much.
Because NOT ALL LESBIANS ARE LIKE THIS.
The judgmental nature of the women, the rejection of someone’s choice, or whatever is exactly why I hate this crap. If one of our friends decided she was *really* into guys, or was just bi…no one would care. Not one. Because I have friends who are thoughtful, rational people.
This show is ridiculous, I honestly tried to watch one episode and couldn’t stomach it. It makes lesbians seem like morons. Truthfully, those ones seem to be. If they are our media representation…I feel badly for all of us.
That’s why I don’t support it, will never watch it, and think it’s BS. If you want to watch it for the sex or whatever, go get laid. There are far hotter chicks out there, and you could experience it live.
@gilda – Thanks.
I love the show and always have. Love the new girls this season. They are all hot. Romi posing doggie style and playing with her tits on the red carpet was gross. She is a total attention whore. But still fun to watch. I have seen interviews of the creators and crew of the show and they have stated that many lesbians hate the show and complain about everything they put on the show. Who cares? I am happy to watch and hope it never gets taken off the air. It is many things but not boring.
The show definitely has all the sex, drama and eye candy (depending what you’re in to) for good ratings, but it is a bit same ole’ same ole’. Regarding the issue about Romi…….who is anyone to judge someones happiness just because it doesn’t tick the box others think is right! it’s really noones business, and although I class myself as a lesbian woman, i applaud Romi for finding love (or lust, whatever) with her man! This world is hard enough without being criticised and judged for wanting to be with someone, and having to hide it from your so-called friends is sad. It doesn’t mean she loves women any less than she did, just be happy for the girl and get on with life ~ just sayin lol
@Virgo, #nuffsaid
I just needed a space to say that I was more outraged with the COLOSSAL ABSENCE of women of color represented in the show as well as the narrow age group represented than I was with Romi dating a man.
@FemmeInBlk – Word. That seems to be the case with most of these shows. They have the token “angry black female” aka Sadjah and the stereotypes continue. It’s all predictable, I’d be surprised if there were actual people on there worth watching, but people that are worth watching (at least to me and my standards) are on documentaries (who can actually stimulate my brain) and not “reality tv,” lol.
Tried watching one episode the first season …couldn’t get through it….bored me and just gawd-awful! I still can’t believe they got a third season. “Lesbian entertainment” is still in a very sorry state….
“Reality” TV is the biggest misnomer ever. It’s not a documentary in the least. It’s a bunch of pretty, young things paid shit to make their lives seem more interesting than they are. That goes for reality TV across the board. Maybe in the distant past there was some semblance of realness to it, but now? Psshh.
I do fit into the mold they’re representing on this show (minus lots of tattoos) and I don’t recognize myself in it either, and frankly? I’m glad. That much drama would drive me up a wall!
I’m sure similar dramas existed in my life when I was much younger, but as an older lesbian woman, with many years of experiences under my belt, all the sex and BS is just a bit ho hum lol…but each to their own, we’re not being forced to watch it because we’re lesbians
I had two problems with Romi’s “coming out”:
First, I take issue because lesbians are already non-existent in the media. We have a few safe havens and The Real L Word is a place to get a fix and watch lesbians living lives full of the same things you find smeared on hetero shows: relationship drama, friendship drama, sex, intimacy between loving partners… But after struggling to actually get a 3rd season, things slowly drift mainstream, as if that’s the only way the show could stay alive. I don’t want to see or hear about Romi’s hetero relationship because that’s not why I watch the Real L Word. If I wanted to see that, I’d watch, oh I don’t know, anything else on the other 900 channels. But the L word is OUR space, for gay women to see gay women. Romi’s hetero love life is a total buzz kill.
Second, I take issue with Romi’s label. I know the discussion is to move away from labeling people, allowing everyone to do what makes them happy without societal pressures, and if that’s anyone’s mantra it’s definitely not my business. (Disclaimer: I’m not immune to the self-mislabeling, bi-now-gay-later evolution) But, from what I’ve seen thus far, Romi isn’t considering herself bi or even confused. She calls herself “lesbian” and wants badly to be considered as part of the lesbian community. And what’s more disturbing, is that it’s not obvious whether her desire is fueled by publicity or personal reasons.
Having finally self-identified as a lesbian, I feel an affinity for the word. It means something special. It IS special and unique and precious. It is something I take pride in – getting people to understand what lesbian means and who we really are. And, it does not apply to those who carry on sexual relationships with men. So, personally I feel she’s lost the privilege to use the label.
Basically, I think she has every right to sleep with who she pleases, but I also think she has a responsibility to drop the lesbian label, lest the world continue to believe that every actual lesbian is inevitably going to return to men.
I loved Addison’s comment! Thank you! And welcome to CCL!
Addison –
I think WWG’s comment really would answer some of your concerns. “Reality TV” is as scripted as it comes. People are encouraged to be outrageous and those on it, in my opinion, are kind of desperate fame-whores who can’t make it any other way.
While I don’t watch the show, if she has a hetero relationship and it continues, just remember that because all of this is fairly scripted….that it’s getting ratings. They don’t care about being ‘true to a calling,’ and they have no lesbian loyalty (despite what is said) – it’s ‘viewer’ loyalty. Viewers keep you on the air. If getting a self-professed ‘lesbian’ to enjoy sleeping with a guy is getting ratings…it will continue – and that ‘is’ the fantasy right? That deep down all of us lesbians really just need a good male sex partner.
It’s a disgusting show for so many reasons. Like I have said, I don’t care if someone is genuinely ‘bi,’ – I think you’re lucky to find love in this world in whatever form it takes…but if using the label ‘lesbian’ while enjoying sex with a guy isn’t the epitome of catering to a patriarchal structure, I’m not sure what is. It confirms everything that deep down, they all want to believe…that we just need a guy.
If lesbians just turned off the tv, and encouraged others to do the same, this crap wouldn’t be on…or it would change. Believe me, somehow this character would magically become more true to the lesbian label. Funny how ‘reality’ works.
Aww thanks Sasha!! I’ve been a reader for a long time, and I’m certain that won’t be my only post.
I was reading an article about the current (misdirected) backlash against “booth babes” and “poser” geek girls and one quote struck a chord with me when it comes to bisexuality in the lgbt community:
“…We’re looking for our people. Almost everyone who finds a home in it is someone who has experienced alienation in another part of their lives. …
It truly sucks when you find those people and realize that they don’t believe you’re one of them and when they make it clear that you’re going to have to jump through some hoops to prove you’re worthy of being included. It especially stings when it comes to one particular element of being a female geek: the part where you are simultaneously appreciated and denigrated for your sexuality.”
Article in question:
http://geekout.blogs.cnn.com/2012/07/26/in-defense-of-lady-geeks/
I also enjoyed the break down comment on the article “Overheard on CNN.com: Readers take issue with ‘booth babes,’ she-geek stereotypes” by jamespeach.
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*And yes, I am aware that it is problematic to the standalone validity of lesbian sexuality to call yourself a lesbian and still sleep with men- I’m just touching on bisexuality as its own identity and its reception.
@Elegy – I’ve never been fond of groups, communities and so forth. I can’t really connect with people as a group (hell, I have a hard time connecting with people in general). I value a more “intimate” style of relationship and communication with people and I think communities are actually more alienating as oppose to accepting. There is an overwhelming amount of cliquish behavior that I find appalling within groups that I have observed and that seems to aid alienation further as well as create toxic environments. I’d rather be the “lone wolf” and stick to myself, or surround myself with people who don’t care “how much I am of something,” or “what group/team I belong to” etc. There is a shit ton of “pot calling the kettle black” and “oppression olympics” in communities such as these and I think it’s wasted energy that could be put to better use elsewhere. Like I’ve said before, it’s “lower level functioning.” Personally, I’ve never felt “at home” with any groups, or peoples, but I have felt “at home” with myself because I accept myself for who I am, while others accept only parts of who I am and it is this distinction that makes a world of difference.