Before Remi moved in she was my girlfriend. But as soon as we shared a mailing address we all of sudden were relegated to “partner” status. WTF is up with that?
Reasons I am less then fond of the term “partner”:
- It makes us sound like a pair of 50yr old lesbians that belong to a senior bowling league, garden and wear mom jeans.
- The term girlfriend sounds so much more fun, sexually active, young and carefree. The term partner sounds like we’re on the waiting list to adopt a Cambodian child after we get back from our tour with the Peace corps.
- Being partners sounds like we’re both vegetarian, animal rights activists, environmentalists hippies that obsessively read labels and then loudly proclaim how dangerous parabens and sulfates are in the aisles of the supermarket. But I’m the only one that does that, my “partner” just rolls her eyes and walks away pretending not to know me. Not too mention that she eats meat like it’s going out of style while I drool over my fried tofu.
- Somehow the label partner easily gets rolled into “domestic partner” which sounds even worse! Now instead of adopting a gaggle of orphans it sounds like we’ve become those scary old cat ladies down the block with twenty cats and a few ferrets for good measure. You know the one’s I mean, the ladies who wear pictures of their cats on their tee shirts and drive mini-vans that smell like cheetos.
- Once we’ve hit “Domestic partner” status “Life Partner” is just a hop skip and a jump away! Oh gawd …. every time I hear that my gag reflex kicks in. I mean seriously. Straight people don’t have to go around defining the state of their relationships as intricately as we do! You never hear Bob say, “This is my life wife” or “This is a very serious relationship as you can tell by my use of extra qualifying adjectives I put in front of her name when I introduce her.” Nope. Breeders simply introduce their significant other and people just smile and accept it.
- Partner also sounds like either a) we’ve opened a business together or b) I’m trying too hard to be politically correct. Which in itself can be seen two different ways:
1) Am I trying to avoid saying I have a girlfriend as to avoid the judgmental looks of whoever I happen to be speaking to … or … 2) Do I think that the term partner is the best us gays can do till Prop 8 gets overturned and we have the right to use the term wife or fiance like everyone else?
- Last but not least, I might as well introduce my “partner” as, “This is my lover, Cindy.” *cough*gag*gag*
Why is the term partner seen as more serious then girlfriend?
Is it the gay version of fiance?
Is it the politically correct term for shacking up? I
s it just our way of getting a deal on car insurance and a Costco membership?
In our case it’s not a label we’ve embraced on our own. It was just sort of thrown on us by well meaning people who thought they were being respectful of our “alternative” lifestyle.
Well anyway you look at it, I don’t like the term for my relationship but I respect it when others choose to use it. As of right now, I have a girlfriend. Period.
Haha. This is so true, The worst is when you go to a business social networking event, saaaay a Rainbow Chamber of Commerce event, and a couple of lesbians walk up to you and introduce themselves as partners. You then use the next ten minutes trying to figure out if they meant “partners” or “paartners”. Turns out it was both. Fucking Confusing!
LMAO, once again Sasha you hit the nail on the head. I HATE it when my gf introduces me as her “partner Briggitte.” I’m going to make her read this.
Holy shit woman! “This is my lover Cindy!” ????!!!!!! Dude I fucking spit my coffee out of my nose reading this. You’re funny.
Babe- My boss had to come over and read what I was reading because I busted out laughing at the “lover Cindy” part. HAAAAAAAHAHA. You are right as usual.
I completely agree (though this description TOTALLY fits me “vegetarian, animal rights activists, environmentalists hippies that obsessively read labels and then loudly proclaim how dangerous parabens and sulfates are in the aisles of the supermarket.”) I personally like the term girlfriend and if we did decided to get married, then I might call her my wife, but why does there have to be yet another ‘in between’ term?
Don’t feel bad Kristen, “vegetarian, animal rights activists, environmentalists hippies that obsessively read labels and then loudly proclaim how dangerous parabens and sulfates are in the aisles of the supermarket.” actually IS me to a T. It’s just that we’re not BOTH like that
…. thank God. I think one of those in a relationship is usually enough! lol
i take issue with your claim that us 50 year old lezzies generally belong to bowling leagues (i hate bowling, tho i LOVE the shoes!), garden (i have a black thumb), and wear mom jeans (eww, gross…if by mom jeans you mean the ones with elasic waistbands…i prefer the ones with no pockets or discernable stitching). and i thought you were a nice grrl!
I hate the word partner. Here in the midwest (aka, the boondocks) when we say partner people look at us like we are stupid. Almost nobody uses that term. A lot of us use the term wife (even though we can’t get married) and a lot of others use girlfriend. I personally like the term wife.
I understand and agree entirely with your post. Well….except for the 50 yr old part, ’cause I’m 50 and I TOTALLY always think OTHER 50 year old are….well….old. But that’s another story.
The problem with using the word ‘lover’ is, it conjures up SEX. And while we all know that most of those straight couples are having sex, it isn’t put right out front when they’re introduced as ‘wife’ or ‘husband’.
I like the word ‘mate’. It’s non-gender specific and completely conveys your meaning. Heck, it’s even non-species specific, but still means the same thing. How many times have we all seen the nature shows and the romantically lit, slo-mo scenes of a pair of wolves, with the voice over saying “and now he returns to his mate, kill in tow”….and we all go “ahhhhhhhhhhhhh”.
So it’s mate for me and mine : )
I’m getting “married” in December (not legally) and still call my girlfriend my “girlfriend”. I don’t like the term partner. I don’t know if I’ll even be able to use the term “wife” though we’re playing around with it at home “When you’re my wife…” and so on. But either way, she’s my GF. I was surprised when someone introduced us as girlfriends last night, as most people use that politically correct “patner” term. Happily surprised!
EEEEK!!!! I’m sorry I put my foot in my mouth about 50yr old women! I swear I don’t think that’s old, it’s just that I’m not 50 YET. But time flies so I’m sure when I’m 50 I’ll be yelling at younger lesbians saying, “I’m not THAT OLD!” ….
Also, I didn’t mean that ALL 50yr old women wear mom jeans. I’ve seen a lot of smokin’ hot 50 something women an turn to my gf and say, “I wanna look like that when I’m her age!”
So please don’t take offense. This wasn’t a personal attack on our lovely, slightly older peers.
Yikes.
I don’t like the term “partner” either, but I find myself using it all the time to tell people I am gay. When I introduce my girlfriend as “girlfriend” (especially to gaydar-less straight men) they often think I’m being cutesy and we’re just two single ladies out together. Partner at least makes it clear (usually) that we don’t want to be hit on.
I completely agree with you Sasha. I’m always at a loss as to how to introduce my gf….do i say “girlfriend?” I usually do. But then again, I don’t want people thinking she’s a flash-in-the-pan chick I just brought to a party…she’s actually a woman I’m into…for the long haul.
However…”partner” sounds old, dead, unsexual, and…old.
So, I tend to use gf also. You make a great point though…if you find a better term – let me know…until then, girlfriend it is.
I suppose I could say “this is my property.” But, knowing her, she wouldn’t like that very much.
Sasha, I’m 62 and a regular reader of your blog. I’m a hip old bettie and I didn’t take offense to your comment about 50 yr old couples that bowl, garden and wear mom jeans. I’ve seen those ladies. They exist. So no one should be offended unless it hit a little too close to home. Uhem…
ROFL I was cracking up reading this and my co-worker had to come over and read it. He’s a gay guy and has a “life partner” he thought it was pretty funny too. Good blog Sasha.
OMG this cracked me up because I recently came out to my very conservative parents who live in PV. After therapy and all my mother finally decided to accept it and invited my gf and I over for a “coming out” party of sorts for all her country club friends. Weird I know. But it was her way of showing support. Anyways, she made a toast and said> ‘To my lovely daughter and her ….(gulp) …. PARTNER.” It was if the word partner were made out of cut class she had to swallow and it even hurt MY ears having to hear it. The whole room just politely clapped and no one knew what to do next so I smacked my gf on the ass as hard as I could and she spilled her champagne all over my father. It was great.
I’ve been reading your blog ever since you were sort of dating but not really dating Mr. and I’ve followed your romance with Remi up till now. I even back read all your old blogs but never commented till now but had to because to see you, Sasha writing about having a “life partner” was just too much. You’ve really come full circle girl! Wow.
@ Deb, blame the British, ‘mate’ always makes me think of ‘friend’ in a casual way. On the other hand, it does have a ‘lifetime’ connotation, ‘mate for life’ and all that
And the partner vs. business partner does get a leetle confusing sometimes…
HAHAHAHAHA …… I’m dating an older woman …. she’s 20 years older then me. I recently moved in with her and all of a sudden she’s introducing me as “Her partner” . Yuck. I feel like she saying, “I’d like you to meet my little wifey that I OWN.”
I think calling someone your partner can really be a way of telling the world you feel possessive of her.
@Sasha–no offense taken what so ever.
@Vic–darn! Just when I was so comfy, so cozy with the word ‘mate’. You’re right. I have English friends and they do use that word to mean their ‘chums’. Sigh. Back to the drawing board.
Spouse just seems so….spousal.
My girlfriend is 50 and I am 34…She hates the term partner more that I do! You rock for posting this and saying what I have felt for a while now! I refer my to my other half as my other half….which is almost as bad as partner.
The Cindy part had my laughing! Get on with your bad self….keep it up!
Hmm, point.
For me, I like the term “partner” for a very long term relationship. It signals, while not necessarily a marriage equivalent, something that goes a bit beyond girlfriend. I think the thing about girlfriend is that it’s not really sufficient to describe a five or ten year relationship. It highlights the difference between gay and straight relationships. I think that “partner” is a good term for both gay and straight people who prefer not to marry but want to signify a serious relationship. But hey, it’s not for everyone
As an almost 50 year old lesbian, I don’t really bowl (although I do own a bowling ball), I do garden (veggies in my little front yard), but look, my jeans are no stretch all the way (and be honest: sometimes, it would be nice to have some elastic in them, right, girls?)
All of that aside, my partner and I use the term partner because for her “wife” has real socially negative connotations, as in someone who cooks and cleans up for a man. She’s about 17 years older than me, so I suspect it is a generational thing. It wouldn’t bother me too much to be called wife, but she’s not having any of it.
I’ve asked several other lesbians her age and they agree that “wife” just isn’t that cool with them. So, unless it’s for legal purposes, I do tend to use the term girlfriend, even though it seems a bit superficial (I mean, c’mon, after 18 years together, don’t deserve something with a bit more gravitas?). Girlfriends are who I have coffee with or people way back in the day that I might have just dated for a year or less.
Will continue searching for that word just, well, works.
SIGH.
I am deeply saddened to hear of your baseless antipathy to the great American sport, bowling and of your gratuitous insult to the millions of innocent bowlers, both gay and straight.
Seriously, I don’t know what to say. I was really starting to enjoy your blogish company, but now … I just don’t know.
i’m gonna get married and have me a wife. One day. A “partner” will hopefully come along and invest some money in a business deal… But partner in my bed? No. i keep that separate, i’m not a prostitute! Besides, ever since i was a little boy i wanted to get married and have a wife like ken did….. omg puberty gave me barbie parts arrrrrgggg!!!! course my barbies used to marry each other… so did ken and his friend…. and they were husbands. I refuse to use partner.
I don’t necessarily like the term partner but sometimes it’s the “best fit.” Girlfriend is great, but does it work when you’ve been with “your other half” for almost 20 years? Does it convey the permanence of a relationship? Girlfriend, to me, is more applicable to newer relationships. Since I can’t legally get married, do I call her my wife? I’ll take “partner” over “roommate” ANY day though.
I hate that word, too. I’m so glad that my Sweet Melissa agreed to marry me last year. I love calling her my “wife”.
Lol@what partner brings to mind. I feel the same way about that word. When I’ve been asked if I refer to my wife as a partner I say “last time I checked neither one of us were cops out on the beat; she’s my wife soo please refer to her as such.”
Partner is just too old school for my taste.
Yes! I do that… The sulfate/paraben thing!!! And I’ve been a vegetarian for 32 years! Oh dear god.. I’ve just realized I’m a stereotype!