Best Of Sasha

Activating your Gaydar

I realized something disconcerting: when my love life is a disaster zone, I’m quite prolific with my writing. In all areas: blogging, work, school … the whole sheebang. However, on the flip side, when I’m looking through rose colored glasses, freshly laid and amorous towards my girl, my creative streak takes a hit.

I mentioned this to my friend, Melody, who suggested that I write a blog offering advice on how to meet ladies.

What on earth gave her the idea that little old me would have anything to say on that topic?? LOL … Ok, maybe I do.

So here it goes:

First of all, the most important thing I can stress here is to resist the urge to behave in any stalkery fashion whatsoever. Do not become so obsessed with the first queer girl you make eye contact with that you lose your marbles and scare the poor girl. The last thing you want to do is get served with a restraining order or on a less dramatic note, get blocked from her Facebook.

Since a lot of girls I’ve known have apparently had the stalker gene let me reiterate: Do not drive by her house a hundred times. Do not stop by her work a lot unless she works at a supermarket or something and you can legitimately get away with it. And do not cyber stalk her either. Even if she doesn’t know you’re doing it, you know and nothing is more unattractive than desperation. Girls can smell it a mile away.

So if you’re lucky enough to score her digits, do not text stalk her either. Remember, she could just change her number and how embarrassing will that be when you run into her and she lies about having dropped her phone in the toilet or something equally absurd just to avoid giving you her new number.

The main lesson here is to play it cool. You’re not cool, you say? I don’t care! Act like you are then hug your teddy bear and cry in private. But keep that to yourself.

So keeping your self-esteem out of the stalker gutter is of the utmost importance.

With that out of the way let’s move on to actually meeting your would-be stalking victim … Oh wait, you already promised me you wouldn’t do that. So let’s just call her the future object of your affection.

The first thing you need to do before you leave the house every day is turn your gaydar on.

How do you do that? It’s easy. You realize that 1 out 4 people have gay tendencies, whether they admit it or not. So the chances that the cutie pie at the checkout is into girls is actually higher then you think. Even if she hasn’t dated women before it doesn’t mean you can’t be her first.

So turn your gaydar on by simply realizing that we’re everywhere. I know, I know, life would be so much easier if we all wore some sign or name badge identifying our sexuality, but we don’t. So get over it and step out of your little box long enough to realize that the girl you’re eyeing may be just as terrified as you, of making the wrong assumption.

Basically this is my personal technique for activating my gaydar: I assume that every woman I meet is either gay or at least bi until proven otherwise. That way I don’t close the door to any opportunities that might present themselves.

Try it. It works. You’ll find yourself making eye contact more often, letting your eyes linger a bit longer on her lips, looking for signs of her queerness in the way she dresses or moves.

You’ll start to get better at this the more you do it. Like anything, having good gaydar takes practice.

So before we go any further with how to meet women, let’s work on recognizing fellow lesbians and ladies that may just be open to another woman, regardless of her current label.

So my homework assignment for you is to do the following:

Next time you’re at any store that you frequent, assume that the cute girl you see is gay. Just pretend that you know for a fact that she is. This doesn’t mean jump her bones in the chip and cookie aisle. It just means to act as if she is. Notice if you feel more comfortable around her? Make more eye contact and see if she holds your gaze, does she look at your lips and then back up to your eyes?

But more then her reaction, it’s your reaction I want to know about.

Let yourself act as if we live in a world where gay people outnumber straighties. Try not to be so self-contained, self-conscious and cautious all the time. (This doesn’t mean be reckless if you live in an area that you could get stoned for being gay.) I’m talking about a subtle attitude change that will affect the way you relate to other women.

Check back later for a list of places I found to be pretty damn easy to meet women … when I was single of course.

This article has 35 comments

  1. Wendy

    LOL, I read your blog all the time, even all the old ones from when you were single. You got a lot of women. I think it’s about time you start sharing your expertise with us, especially since you’re not using them anymore. Thank god you’re off the market, maybe we can have some now.LOL

  2. DogWalker

    Good point, I never thought of going about it like that. I always assume every woman I meet is straight, even in a gay bar. I think, oh if I’m attracted to her she must be straight and just here with her gay friends. I would never in a million years walked out of my house with the attitude, “She’s gay and she’s gay and she;s gay.” But I’m going to today, just for the hell of it. I mean FUCK, I haven’t gotten laid in a year 🙁 This has to work better then what I’ve been doing.

  3. Donna

    I’m waiting for the list. The Apple store in Manhattan Beach doesn’t count — you’ve already mentioned that one.

  4. BoiLover

    I’m with Donna, I want the list! I love in LA but I’m shy and I never see any gay gurls unless I go to a dyke bar but I dont fit in there, so where can I meet other lesbians?

  5. Melody

    LOL see Sasha there is a call for your knowledge! Awesome blog article btw.. I will definitely try it out and will be careful since I live in the stone you first and ask questions later south.

  6. Susan

    LOL, loved this blog! I’m going to do what you say and “assume” that my smoking hot philosophy professor is a lesbian. I have such a crush on her I can’t even speak in class without turning bright red.

  7. Sasha

    Susan, she’s a philosophy prof? She’s probably gay! I was a philosophy major and the two female philosophy professors I had were both “family” as well as the Chair of the Dept. Who hated me, until she realized I was gay too, then I was her pet. I say flirt a bit and see what happens! Write back and tell me 🙂

  8. GreenEyedMonster

    If I looked like you I wouldn’t need gaydar. I think this is false advertising. I want to know how many times YOU ever had to ask a woman out? If they come to you, you don’t need gaydar. Yes, I’m bitter I know. lol

  9. Sasha

    Hey GreenEyes, for your information there was a lot of times that the women I was attracted to did not even know I was alive. Looks have nothing to do with it. But thank you for the backhanded compliment, i think …

  10. Frenzied

    Hey Sasha, I loved this blog! Hurry up with follow ups like on the locations. Do you take requests? Maybe you should start an advice column as part of your blog. Just a thought.

  11. Melody

    OMG I so agree about the advice column.

  12. Jul

    great post! I think you and I have the same gaydar, that is, just assuming almost any woman might be up for it if the situation were right.

    Is that gaydar? No matter, it’s just good common sense. Love it.

  13. SuperTex

    dude! i very much look forward to this list! LA has definitely perfected my gaydar, but i’m waaaay too shy (and clueless) to do anything when i see that cutie in the snack aisle

  14. Jolie

    Excellent! Put all that life experience to practical use!

    I have the same approach you do; I assume family until proven otherwise just because I hate to be walled off from the world. Plus if I waited for women to approach me, I’d never have a conversation with anyone. Because of course, I don’t “look” gay.

    I have seriously considered tattooing a rainbow on my forehead.

  15. Melody

    I took your advice and it went WELL!!! I wrote it out for ya!

  16. Susan

    OMG Sasha, I thought about what you said and thought that maybe my teacher really might be gay. So I went to her office to ask her for “advice” about whether or not she thought joining the straight and gay alliance group on campus could comeback to haunt me.

    She totally lit up with this huge grin on her face and warmed up to me right away. She even said she’d go with me to my first meeting as moral support and that she should join too because it’s good when staff shows support for diversity on campus.

    She didn’t say she was gay. Yet. But she’s been totally cool with me since then even offering me an extension i didn’t even ask for but totally needed.

    Thanks so much Sasha! I’ll keep you posted on what happens!!!

  17. BritishLuv

    Sasha this is bloody brilliant! I love your writing!!!

  18. Anonymous

    My friends from work turned me on your site, we all read it from one computer during our coffee break. I think this is the funniest blog you’ve written in a while. Now I’m going to assume that my boss lady is a sister and see what happens. Maybe I’ll get lucks and she’ll sexually harass me.

  19. DB

    Yo Sash, excellent post. I’m butch, soft butch but I still can’t ever tell if a femme is gay or just straight. I tried what you said ever since i read it and I actually ended up having some girl I’ve known for a long time ask me out for coffee. I never thought she was gay before but she is. thanks for the heads up. I’ll be reading in the future for some more pimp moves.

  20. *mizz t. casa*

    wow. this is great advice. i def had an oprah ”a’ha!” moment. most heteros assume that everyone else is str8. why shouldn’t we assume that everyone else is queer. luv ur thinking sasha. the world seems a better place already.

    *mizz t. casa*

  21. Tara

    You do help… But there’s this girl who tries to teach me to dance… I signed up for these classes and she’s very nice and all… But my gaydar is stupid and I don’t know if she is or not… She hasn’t done much out of the ordinary but I really wanna ask her out… (I can’t unless I’m sure cuz of where I live and blah blah blah)
    Any suggestions???

  22. Sasha

    Dear Tara, here’s the old “is she or isn’t she?” safest way ever to feel her out a little more before you declare your intentions: Ask her out for coffee. If she accepts then you’re on the right track. Once you two are alone and away from dance class steer the topic of convo around to whether or not she’s dating anyone and go from there.

    Good luck!

    Let us know how it goes.

  23. Lesbian Girl

    “…a lot of girls I’ve known have apparently had the stalker gene” — Too funny. Can totally relate to what you are saying. And the part about her looking at your lips and then your eyes. I always look for that! Typically a full-proof way to know if she wants you. I usually let her do it a few times before I get closer to the object of my desire 🙂

  24. r

    A straight girl is like a unicorn: mythical creature I’ve heard of but never actually seen. Every alleged straight girl I’ve ever met was either A. one bad boyfriend away from coming on to me B. one glass one wine away from coming on to me C. both A and B.

    I’m going to burst some bubbles but it has to be said:


  25. red red

    yeah, that’s right… lmao no unicorns, no straight girls. I totally agree.

    p.s.: i’m new around. just discovered this hard-core blog. 😛 hello to everybody

  26. ellebee

    Lesbian Girl! I am going to try this as well, but I want to be an object of desire!

  27. jacki

    wonderful advice- Can’t wait to try it!

  28. Femmelover

    Lesbian Girl and R –

    It has been months since this chat but, I couldn’t agree more with the two of you! I have been bombarded at my work with seemingly straight looking, beautiful women(wearing rings on the ring finger)who look at me like I was putting off some sort of vibe that they want to decifer and cannot ignore. DUDES – you know how you can feel someone staring at you? And, from a butch point of view, the feeling is super sexual…like they’re just so damn curious about you and want to try you out?
    I recently had two beautiful femmes sitting right in front of me at the same time who acted just like this. Can you imagine how I was feeling? Yea, baby! I luv my job!

    However, right now, I’m just looking for that one special lady.

  29. um what?

    um… ‘breeder’?

    sasha i love your blog, i’ve followed it for ages. i did not expect this sort of language from you.

    and yes, i am single and heterosexual.

  30. akabrutuslol

    Mmmmmm hmmmmm! Good advice, it works. Eye to eye contact with her. Then I have to peek else where, letting her see me do this, right back to the eyes of course, (not to long peeking). And then from behind while she walks away …. AWWWWW her curves from behind!…. She’ll turn to see if you are still watching trust that. OMG – THAT eye contact is the best!

  31. M girl

    I’m gonna try it.

  32. Lisa

    My problem is that I can never leave the house and go out ALONE. I’m usually with my sons which immediately waves the strait flag in the eyes of other women. What should I do to make them realize I’m gay too? I’ve tried all this and they all still just walk right by and ignore my very existence

  33. Femmelover

    @ akabrutusol…dude you know what’s goin’ on! It’s crazy with some women. Some are a trip for sure; without saying too much.
    The interaction itself is very interesting, if I may say.

  34. Femmelover

    Lisa- Sorry that you are going through this. But, you need to understand that it’s really difficult for butches to identify femmes who look straight and who are out and about with kids. I mean, how do we know you like us! It’s crazy!

    I don’t know how you tell US or how we would know. Maybe we all need to figure out a decent/admirbal way to have femmes in similar situations let us know.

    Anyone have suggestions?

  35. Arin

    Last night while at the hospital with my Dad this umm delicious lookin butch was the nurse taking great care of my Dad. I could not keep my eyes off her. She had a short haircut, piercing, tattoo, and leather bracelet so I thought I knew for sure. So I have to admit I am not shy so I asked her when she got off in the am if she wanted to get a cup of coffee.. Much to my surprise she said she had to get home to relieve her HUSBAND who was on kid duty so he could get to work. Damn that was not what I was expecting to hear 🙁 so it happens to us femmes to.

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