The Butch/Femme Tango
A new reader recently commented on an old blog, Butch/femme relationships versus lesbian relationships. I had to go back and reread it because it was written back in 2008 and my oh my how things have changed in my life since then!!!
A lot of things I wrote then are not how I feel today so I thought I should revisit the topic. While rereading the original blog post I realized that my take on butch/femme relationships had been badly colored by one particular person. While I was in that relationship I couldn’t really see the forest for the trees so to speak. I didn’t realize until much later just how controlling she was and how unhealthy our relationship was. To top it off, she blamed her behavior on being stone butch. And since she was the first true stone butch that I had ever dated, I bought into it.
But since being away from her for a few years and instead being with Remi, who is more soft butch I have seen the light. I realize now that her control issues were not because she was butch or stone, it was something completely different. They were simply control issues. Plain and simple. Her putting me down all the time had nothing to do with the butch/femme dynamic at all. It was simply her being mean and me being stupid and taking it. Our fucked up dynamic had nothing whatsoever to do with her being butch and me being femme, except that …. well …. she was the most masculine woman I had ever dated up until that point and her energy had me in a tailspin.
It was sort of my introduction into the butch/femme world and I was excited by it. I was turned on by it. I reveled in my newfound femme identity and was thrilled to have finally found my place within the lesbian community. While my place with her was not healthy and was not where I was meant to be long term, that short term relationship I had with her opened my eyes to a whole new world of being. A world of being femme, a world where butches loved that and a world where I could be myself again.
But looking back at that old post anything that I wrote that might be taken as derogatory towards butches, I whole heartedly take back!!!!! I allowed one butch that hurt me to color an entire spectrum for the moment. But I now realize that she was just a flawed human like the rest of us and that although she blamed all bad behavior on her butchness, it’s likened unto a chauvinist male that blames his bad attitude and treatment of women on his maleness. It’s all bullwonky.
I have since come to realize that the butch/femme dynamic is something of pure beauty. Sometimes it’s a delicate dance, like the colors reflecting off a rippling stream at sunset. But usually it’s a dramatic, intoxicating, erotic dance like the Argentine tango. Raw animal attraction balanced with careful choreography, intricate footwork, dramatic masculine flair that shows off the beauty of the femme and the strength of the butch. In fact, look at this particular tango and tell me that it doesn’t perfectly represent the butch/femme relationship. 🙂
But before you hit the play button, let me reiterate an important fact. I ADORE BUTCHES. I LOVE BUTCHES. I am a femme that married her butch and took her last name!!!! Personally, I find absolute poetry in the butch/femme dynamic and when the right two people are involved with each other, it can be elevated to an art form.
While looking for the right tango to show you, I couldn’t choose between these two. I actually thought they both represented the butch/femme dynamic extremely well. The first is more like a day to day representation of the power roles in relationships and how we play off one another.
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Sasha- Excellent post. My favorite point is your comparison of a beautiful relationship to an art form. Wow! Beautiful analogy. I’m so glad you and Remi found each other! Best wishes.
How true it all is. The dynamics of relationships are all so different, but being butch obviously does not carry a prerequisite of being controlling or much of anything else for that matter. I too love the idea of relationships being greatly varying art forms whether they involve power roles, sensuality etc….
If only everyone put the time,efforts,passion and details into their relationships that artists do in creating their artwork pieces. WOW-yeah I sure as hell wouldn’t be single. lol Since I actually am an artist when I meet my dear dream butch I will keep this in mind. Side note I promise from this moment forward (unless emergency lol) I will not be using “fuck” on CCL anymore.I read some of my post posts OMG I have serious potty mouth!
But fuck is such a pretty, sexy, dynamic word. ^.~
I love the tango, and I can see how the stages of the butch/femme dynamic can be portrayed in its rhythm. Even without the music…the step, step, step…..the echo of shoe taps upon a narrow cobblestone street, splitting the heart of the city, aslumber, with balcony doors thrown wide to a warm summer sky, the fragrance of jasmine sailing like a lullaby to last of the stars, fading as they go ablinking, beneath the extinguishing glow of street lamps, two hearts alone to tango, a smoldering heat, the embers burn long into the sweat of the afternoon, the sparks igniting kindle, to once more rise ablaze, the hush hearts at moonrise.
You have a very poetic view of life, Sasha.
Sasha You brought up the important point to remember- every butch (person in general) is different personality wise. The whole butch/femme dynamic is very interesting to me. Also your point of how we ourselves changes and as does our outlook. Unfortunately we all carry our “baggage” with us into our next situations whatever -workplace or personal. In doing this completely normal/natural thing to do it can be hard to not see the next person or situation with a fresh start. I struggle with doing this and am thinking of taking an actual suitcase and writing every horrible thing that’s happened or stressor for me and putting these papers into suitcase (to symbolize my painful baggage from life) and running a mile at the track carrying it. (Preferably when no one is watching. LOL) And after doing that- which will definitely be a struggle for me to do- I’m going to burn all the papers and hopefully be able to finally let it all go. They say you can’t run (analogy for moving forward) holding suitcases (baggage). Sasha I’m so proud and glad you let go of the baggage she put you through and that you gave Remi a chance despite your previous partner’s ( sorry I know u hate that word lol) bad/mean attitude. You are so brave! And now with Remi you are so blessed. What an amazing gift the two you have been given.
🙂 Sasha Just tried to post a comment with a silly “aka” after my name as my promise for using no more f words because I’m trying to brake the habit. 🙂 Don’t worry 🙂 it is ONLY a one time “aka” unlike those 2 crazies using all their different names ( u know who times 2 lol). Anyhow Jazmenha (aka recovering “f-bomb” user) is of course me. 🙂 Have a happy night.
To me, what makes the tango so hot is the desire/surrender dynamic, way more than the dance moves themselves.
I would love to see this with a real butch/femme duo instead of man/woman. Do you know of any for your next featured lesbian artist post?
Kenda I wish I did!!!! I used to teach ballroom dance and the tango was my favorite of all!!! I’m hoping to put my dance shoes back on and teach Remi …. then maybe WE will post a butch/femme tango for you 🙂
I posted a link to lezzies dancing one of these blogs. I’m sure it’s somewhere in the butch/femme tag.
@ Sasha – You taught her to skateboard, right? Remi, put on yer dancin’ shoes!
@ Elegy – I’ll be going hunting for that one. Thanks.
I seriously enjoy getting to be the girly girl that I am with such a loving and protecting wife. I am like you…I met the right woman…got engaged…then married…and I took her last name. She is the head of the house. She is the main provider. And I let her be all those things because I have no interest in it. I wish I could be June Cleaver, but that life just doesn’t exist anymore. My loverly wife allows me to be the ultra femme in her life. Sometimes it requires her to sit back and laugh and roll her eyes a little bit…but at the end of the day…she knows she loves it. 🙂
I am so happy to have found this blog. The butch/femme dynamic is such a beautiful thing when both parties acknowledge the wholeness and beauty and strength of each. It is with sadness that I see so many women reject this possibility out of hand in order not to be a “stereotype.” Thanks again.
Sasha- On the topic of dance I think you should be on the next season of dancing with the stars. Maybe if we all write you in they’ll give you a call. 😉 I mean WTH Anthony Weiner is in the possible line up of dancers. lol Don’t worry you would have to dance with him. hehe