I just recently discovered your blog and it being fairly late on a night where I had to get up early the next morning, I of course read through several pages of posts and realized that sleep was for the weak.(or maybe just for people who have more self control than I have).
I am writing because I have, unfortunately, found myself with having done something very stereotypical. I had prided myself in having reached the age of 25(eight years of being out) with having never done: fallen for a straight girl. But it seems I have finally become a victim of this curse. The only problem is that this straight girl doesn’t seem so straight. Coworkers have noticed that she flirts with me but she’s currently engaged to a man who she’s been with for ten years(about to get married tomorrow actually…ouch.)
Here are the facts as best as I can present them: One, she has admitted to me that she had a make out buddy in college who she says was the best kisser she’s ever had. Also, on a related note, she says that her fiance is not good in bed(he’s also the only man she’s ever had sex with, and presumably never had sex with a girl).
Two, she finds excuses to touch me a lot, for seemingly no reason. Every time she passes me at work, she’ll play with my hair or touch my arm, or slap me playfully. I’ve also caught her, apparently, checking me out. (her eyes go from face to my body and back up)
Three, her fiance, her, and I went to a haunted house last month and whenever she got scared, she would reach for my hand and not his.
Four, We went out drinking once and she kissed me in a ‘friendly’ way four times throughout the night.
Five. Her and I went to a friend’s wedding together and I made a joke that she was my date. She smiled and then spent the whole rest of the night acting as if it were really a date and held my hand, leaned her head on my shoulder, and other similar things.
Six, if we go out drinking together and men start to hit on me(I look feminine and therefore ‘straight’ by stupid society’s standards), she’ll put her arm around me and tell them that I’m ‘taken’. She doesn’t say it in the ‘hey boys, look lesbians!’ way but in the ‘back off or I’ll cut you’ way.
This is just the short list. While, she’s getting married tomorrow so I am not holding out any sort of hope, am I at least not completely crazy for thinking that she might not be a straight as she thinks/says she is?
If I am reading too much into things, feel free to let me know. If not, should I admit my feelings for her, even though there can be no relationship just so I can keep our friendship honest?
Thank you, Cursed
It does indeed look like you fell victim to the curse that every lesbian (at least everyone I have ever met) has fallen under, at least once. The dreaded straight girl attraction!!! And let’s be honest, these girls don’t help the situation, with their bold flirting and their confusing signals.
But that is where we have to FORCE our brains to take over when our hearts are being toyed with in such a brutal way. I am speaking from experience. Painful, heart wrenching experience. And the more emails I get from fellow travelers on this road of heart break, the clearer I see things from my safe vantage point of “been there, done that, survived and moved on.” So let me try to share what I think is going on here.
Your straight friend and others like her are probably confused. If she were totally honest with herself, I have no doubt that she would realize a genuine attraction to you. But women like this seem to be stuck in their roles as “straight girls” and for whatever reason, be it unresolved self-hatred, internalized homophobia, or just pure scared shit-less of what it might mean to their life if they were gay, they are unable to admit their attraction to the same gender. But their confused state does not give them permission to fuck with other people’s lives!
Where does that leave you and other lesbians that have fallen prey to the seduction of a confused, not-so-straight straight girl? It leaves you having to think clearly in spite of her unclear actions. It leaves you being the only one in this situation to really put your foot down. ESPECIALLY since she’s recently married.
Don’t allow yourself to be the plaything and distraction for a bored housewife or worse yet, an experiment for someone who doesn’t have the guts to be honest.
You said you have lived an out and proud life for eight years!!!! That tells me that you are a very strong and honest person. Which means that you deserve the same in a partner. Don’t allow yourself to feel sorry for her, because she might be confused. She’s an adult, she made her bed and there happens to be a man lying in it! MOVE ON!!!
I am telling you in no uncertain terms: STOP, DROP AND ROLL.
Stop letting her play with your emotions. If you don’t want to just tell her upfront, that’s cool. But don’t play along anymore. If she grabs for your hand, don’t take it. If she tries to kiss you, turn away. If she asks you what’s wrong, tell her, “You’re married!” You are not on this planet to make her feel better about her fucked up life choices.
Drop her immediately. If you work with her and have to keep a professional relationship, then do just that. Keep it professional. But don’t let her get into your head anymore with her mixed signals. If you keep her too close, the only thing that will do is keep other women away. And why would you want to do that!?
Roll onto the next, hot, sexy and OUT woman. Trust me, they’re out there and they would love to meet a woman that’s strong enough to have been living her life in honesty since she was 17!!! That says a lot about you! It tells me that you’re self-assured, confident, comfortable in your own skin and oh so deserving of a woman that won’t play games.
Please, for the love of all things gay, don’t keep a torch for this woman. She’s straight (enough) to get married to a man!!! It doesn’t matter how much she likes you, she chose him. Move on to a girl that knows who she is and is proud of it.