The Straight Girl Curse


I just recently discovered your blog and it being fairly late on a night where I had to get up early the next morning, I of course read through several pages of posts and realized that sleep was for the weak.(or maybe just for people who have more self control than I have).

I am writing because I have, unfortunately, found myself with having done something very stereotypical. I had prided myself in having reached the age of 25(eight years of being out) with having never done: fallen for a straight girl. But it seems I have finally become a victim of this curse. The only problem is that this straight girl doesn’t seem so straight. Coworkers have noticed that she flirts with me but she’s currently engaged to a man who she’s been with for ten years(about to get married tomorrow actually…ouch.)
Here are the facts as best as I can present them: One, she has admitted to me that she had a make out buddy in college who she says was the best kisser she’s ever had. Also, on a related note, she says that her fiance is not good in bed(he’s also the only man she’s ever had sex with, and presumably never had sex with a girl).

Two, she finds excuses to touch me a lot, for seemingly no reason. Every time she passes me at work, she’ll play with my hair or touch my arm, or slap me playfully. I’ve also caught her, apparently, checking me out. (her eyes go from face to my body and back up)

Three, her fiance, her, and I went to a haunted house last month and whenever she got scared, she would reach for my hand and not his.

Four, We went out drinking once and she kissed me in a ‘friendly’ way four times throughout the night.
Five. Her and I went to a friend’s wedding together and I made a joke that she was my date. She smiled and then spent the whole rest of the night acting as if it were really a date and held my hand, leaned her head on my shoulder, and other similar things.

Six, if we go out drinking together and men start to hit on me(I look feminine and therefore ‘straight’ by stupid society’s standards), she’ll put her arm around me and tell them that I’m ‘taken’. She doesn’t say it in the ‘hey boys, look lesbians!’ way but in the ‘back off or I’ll cut you’ way.

This is just the short list. While, she’s getting married tomorrow so I am not holding out any sort of hope, am I at least not completely crazy for thinking that she might not be a straight as she thinks/says she is?

If I am reading too much into things, feel free to let me know. If not, should I admit my feelings for her, even though there can be no relationship just so I can keep our friendship honest?

Thank you, Cursed

Dear Cursed,

It does indeed look like you fell victim to the curse that every lesbian (at least everyone I have ever met) has fallen under, at least once. The dreaded straight girl attraction!!! And let’s be honest, these girls don’t help the situation, with their bold flirting and their confusing signals.

But that is where we have to FORCE our brains to take over when our hearts are being toyed with in such a brutal way. I am speaking from experience. Painful, heart wrenching experience. And the more emails I get from fellow travelers on this road of heart break, the clearer I see things from my safe vantage point of “been there, done that, survived and moved on.” So let me try to share what I think is going on here.

Your straight friend and others like her are probably confused. If she were totally honest with herself, I have no doubt that she would realize a genuine attraction to you. But women like this seem to be stuck in their roles as “straight girls” and for whatever reason, be it unresolved self-hatred, internalized homophobia, or just pure scared shit-less of what it might mean to their life if they were gay, they are unable to admit their attraction to the same gender. But their confused state does not give them permission to fuck with other people’s lives!

Where does that leave you and other lesbians that have fallen prey to the seduction of a confused, not-so-straight straight girl? It leaves you having to think clearly in spite of her unclear actions. It leaves you being the only one in this situation to really put your foot down. ESPECIALLY since she’s recently married.

Don’t allow yourself to be the plaything and distraction for a bored housewife or worse yet, an experiment for someone who doesn’t have the guts to be honest.

You said you have lived an out and proud life for eight years!!!! That tells me that you are a very strong and honest person. Which means that you deserve the same in a partner. Don’t allow yourself to feel sorry for her, because she might be confused. She’s an adult, she made her bed and there happens to be a man lying in it! MOVE ON!!!

I am telling you in no uncertain terms: STOP, DROP AND ROLL.

Stop letting her play with your emotions. If you don’t want to just tell her upfront, that’s cool. But don’t play along anymore. If she grabs for your hand, don’t take it. If she tries to kiss you, turn away. If she asks you what’s wrong, tell her, “You’re married!” You are not on this planet to make her feel better about her fucked up life choices.

Drop her immediately. If you work with her and have to keep a professional relationship, then do just that. Keep it professional. But don’t let her get into your head anymore with her mixed signals. If you keep her too close, the only thing that will do is keep other women away. And why would you want to do that!?

Roll onto the next, hot, sexy and OUT woman. Trust me, they’re out there and they would love to meet a woman that’s strong enough to have been living her life in honesty since she was 17!!! That says a lot about you! It tells me that you’re self-assured, confident, comfortable in your own skin and oh so deserving of a woman that won’t play games.

Please, for the love of all things gay, don’t keep a torch for this woman. She’s straight (enough) to get married to a man!!! It doesn’t matter how much she likes you, she chose him. Move on to a girl that knows who she is and is proud of it.


This article has 36 comments

  1. Traveller Girl

    Sasha always giving the best advice ever…
    From my experience, get away of this as soon as possible because the only one that will get hurt is you! I have seen this kind of straight girl taking advantage of lesbians’ feelings and then walking away to their husbands, fiance, boyfriends, or whatever, because is much easier to them keep the “easy straight life” than to they be honest with themselves (as Sasha told you).

    But I have a second perspective, because I have seen some lesbians going after straight girls, being around, exchanging affection to “convert” straight girls… do you think that is correct to do?

    I always questioned myself about this kind of situation and I create an strict police to NEVER get involved to straight girls… but, you know, never say never…

  2. Sasha

    Oh good question, Traveller Girl …. that might need a blog all it’s own!

  3. Elegy

    AMEN! Ruuuun! It doesn’t matter what her sexuality is, to be honest. She’s married, and she’s using you. It doesn’t matter what her intent is (“I never meant to hurt you,” ETC.), she’s married and she’s uuuuusing you. Talk yourself down, turn around, and keep walking (emotionally, physically). She made her life choices, please make yours in your best interest. Don’t even risk being a coming out listening party for her- tell her to get a therapist if it comes to that; you’re too invested.

  4. Tabby

    Woah, realization. Sasha, the way you word things causes all sorts of light bulbs to turn on. Was I someone’s not-so-straight straight girl? Except that it was a misunderstanding because I was totally in love with her but dealing with self-confusion and identity and coming out to friends and family. Probably not so in this case. It sounds like the straight-ish girl in question isn’t going to wake up to rainbows and unicorns anytime soon.

  5. Sasha

    Hey Tabby, welcome to CCL’s blogroll 🙂 —->

    Check it out, ladies! Mo’ Homo is our latest addition to CCL’s favorite lezzie sites!

  6. Elegy

    Tabby: Honestly, most of the straight girl stories I read seem to be like that, except we here it from the gay or not-straight girl’s side, and we never find out if this person is confused and questioning, or truly straight. Which is why I mentioned that in these situations their identity does not matter, as it is not an excuse to hurt someone and these gay girls need to take a step back, reevaluate, and probably just plain leave for someone who does know where they stand. That’s not a fun roller coaster to ride, especially since you can’t rush someone else coming out to themselves.

  7. Elegy


  8. Jazmenha

    Sasha And again an excellent post by you. You are magnificent! I am so happy you’re back and writing. 🙂

  9. Alex

    I find it hilarious that Sasha has turned into this amazing advice giver. Too bad she didn’t have this sort of head on her shoulders back in the day when sexy straight Persian girls were making a fool out of her.

    Listen to her, she knows from first hand experience this wont turn out well.

  10. Sasha

    Thank you Jaz, I’m just super happy for you!!

    Alex, you dick. If memory serves you were getting played just as badly as I was by BOTH of them. And you fucked me over in the process.

    Meh. And you wonder why I won’t give you my new #.

  11. Alex

    Whoa now Sash, I never “officially” slept with anyone while they were “officially” still with you. There was a lot of grey area in there. You know I always had your back! Bros before hoes right? Lol. You know I love you.

    If you would just give me your new # you could call me a dick in person, not just online.

  12. Sasha

    Spoken like the lawyer you are.

    Bite me.

  13. Alex

    I might not have your phone number but unless you moved I still know where you live. Maybe I’ll just show up at your door with some flowers and chocolates and make you forgive me.

  14. Elegy


  15. Sasha

    I second Elegy’s sentiment, but if you insist on showing up uninvited, make sure you get milk chocolate, it’s Remi’s favorite. ;)~

  16. WWG

    Dear Letter Writer – I’ve been in your shoes. It’s going to end badly, and it will be your fault, even if it’s not. Trust me on this.

  17. WWG

    Sorry, meant to say Dear Cursed. But the advice stays the same.

    And Alex? Not cool.

  18. Femmelover

    Alex, don’t continue to disrespect Sasha in this way.
    You will have to deal with me! Don’t disrespect her like this! She doesn’t deserve it.

    Don’t be jealous! You suck by being this way!
    I mean…really?

  19. Alex

    @Femmelover, Hahahahaha!!!! Sasha is my homegirl. She’s been my friend for 11 years. She knows I’m joking. Calm down.
    Sasha and I go through rough patches. Probably because I do stupid shit when I’m drunk. But she knows I’ll always love her.
    Right Sash?? 😉 love you beautiful. You have my number. Lets make up in person so I can stop making as ass of myself on here.

  20. Sasha

    Oy vey.

  21. Angela

    I’m glad I’ve never had to go through this. (yet -_-)
    She could easily be confused or questioning, but she went ahead and got married despite that, so lace up your boots and take them for a walk in the opposite direction.

  22. Tabby

    Sasha, thanks for adding me to your blog roll!

    Elegy, I totally agree. Prying someone out of the closet, to themselves or anyone else, is never fun for anyone involved. It’s best to get out of that situation and find a nice girl who knows who she is and what she wants. Involving yourself with anyone, questioning or not, that is willing to foster two romantic relationships without your consent is not someone you want to tango with.

  23. Ricki

    Sasha, I loved your oy vey. Those two, tiny words are so expressive.

  24. S.Maschera

    Oh dear.

    @Cursed, I second everyone: move on. I had the misfortune of surviving a similar ordeal (Hel, did not everyone), only a bit sooner – it was highschool, so ’twas complete with the woes of being sixteen, the middle of ‘questioning’ phase, and the whole ‘how could the prettiest girl in class ever notice me, I’m so lucky oh em gee’. Everyone goes through something like that, but it does not mean the confusion needs to drag on forever.

    Notice that probably all of us are speaking from experience: let it go.

  25. C

    Run, darling, run! Remain FIRM on taking care of yourself. She is banking on you being her “outlet” for her bad choices. Don’t be.

  26. Helen

    It is such a common and repeating pattern that could be a good topic for an academic research! I do agree with everybody else that we should keep a good distance from all who claim that they are straight, but like to get the attention of a poor lesbian. Yeah, this game, they find it quite amusing. My theory is that it has to do more with their demand for attention, than with bi-curiosity. So this kind of people are recognisable, and out of the question. But on the other hand, I think there are closeted lesbians or bi people who need a push for realization. I once was one of them. I’ve never played game, nor betrayed anyone, but I put myself and another closeted girl into a big trouble by repeatedly denying things between us and giving them other meanings than what they really entailed. It took me so long to recover from that and come out totally on my own. I always wish that instead of her I’d have been faced by a bold and strong lesbian who pushed me out my comfort zone by just telling me: “Hey you! has it ever crossed your mind that you might be gay?!”

  27. Alexis

    Hey, everyone, I am ‘cursed’ and I really appreciate your advice. We do work together so I think we will continue to be ‘friends’ while at work(because retail is bad enough without adding more awkwardness to it) but I plan on distancing myself from her outside of work. I agree with everyone and even though it will be hard, I know it’s what I need to do in order to, well, frankly, stay sane. Thank you all, especially to Sasha. You give incredible advice.

  28. femmegrrl

    Everyone seems hung up on the thought that this woman might be confused/closeted/denying. She may just love the ego boost of knowing someone is so into her. I know I love it when people think I’m hot, even guys. Especially guys actually cos they know they can’t have any of it. And yes, leading anyone on is wrong and bitchy but I’m sure not many of us can honestly say we’ve never done it.

    In the end though Confused – you gotta do what’s right for you and what makes you happy. You have all the control over your life.

  29. alice

    i would say, stay away! sometimes people are so deep in the closet that they will do anything to avoid the possible truth about themselves. Including getting married to a man. Also, you don’t want to be the one to force her out the closet, or accidently/on purpose out her. I’ve had this done to me, and it made things so confusing/harder and set me back in terms of figuring out my orientation…

  30. LesKit

    Personally, I would have to tell her before she married someone cuz what if I waited till after and ruined their marriage if she had feelings for me too and just didn’t think I felt the same? I’d rather not blow what could be a good life. If she’s not interested, things are a little awkward for awhile but eventually they go back to normal.

  31. Kristy

    I love the gif on this post it’s from brown eyed girls abracadabra it made me stop and read this post I love kpop =D

  32. Leslie

    I am so glad I was told about this blog. I have fallen to this curse. Actually, I have had this problem for so many years. There was a girl that I worked with 10 years ago who was always being so close to me and she even said that she wanted to spend time with me on the beach, with my arms around her, then later to tell me that she meant that she wanted to do that with her husband. She plainly said that she wanted to do this with ME. I was so heartbroken.
    Then just recently a new girl has been flirtatious with me, patting my rear, rubbing her body against me when she’s trying to fit through a tight spot where I’m standing, saying gay things like, “Leslie, come in to the closet with me” while winking her eye. Oh there is so much about this girl. We even went out for a night on the town in a major city and we had such a great time. She liked acting like we were a couple, then she abruptly stopped. Now she barely talks to me. I don’t know what happened. She has been married to 3 different men and is now recently divorced. There is a major problem there. As much as I have felt heartbroken, I have also been trying not to fall for her and hope that maybe she’ll decide to come out to me. I think she’s confused, and also confusing me.
    This bog has been a good eye opener for me. Thank you so much.

  33. Magia

    I’m currently suffering from The Straight Girl Curse (well maybe)
    So here’s the situation:

    I work in retail and over the Christmas period we have hired temporary staff.
    And I have fallen hard for one particular girl.
    She says she’s straight (but then so do I as I’m not out to many people) and we flirt like there’s no tomorrow.

    We hug, we hold, we stroke, we laugh, we make eye contact across the shop, we make detours when supposedly working so we can chat and hang out. (Probably a good time to add I’m the only one she does this with).
    Customers have even called us “the lesbians”.
    Then when we go out for drinks after work we are “all over each other” (a quote from a work collegue)
    The touching, the hugging, the stroking all goes up a notch add in some playful biting and licking to that too. I lean across the table and she says things like “don’t lean across if you’re not going to kiss me”.
    She shows me a pic of her in the shower!
    Another work collegue comments “have you been to each others houses yet?…. Because if you do something will definitely happen”.
    She posted a pic of me on her Facebook and the caption was “my girlfriend”
    Apparently I owe her a Christmas present too as “she’s my bitch” (her words).

    We flirt over text too. I said I had a Christmas present for her and sent a pic of myself with a sparkly ribbon on my nose.
    Then I asked her when she was going to unwrap it…. And she said ill have to get her drunk first.

    I’ve been dropping hints that I like girls and the people I’ve spoken to about what I’ve been saying have said I’ve been quite obvious (without actually saying ‘hey, I’m bi and I like you!’ ).

    I just don’t know whether to keep flirting and dropping hints. Or to run for the hills.

    Oh did I mention I’ve fallen for her hard (never fallen this hard for someone before).


  34. receiving end

    Hi I’m new at all of this but I have been on the other side of this situation.I’m straight and fell for someone I worked with we would flirt she said she liked me but nothing would happen because she had a gf come to find out she was into this other girl we worked with and ended up leaving her for this girl.we stopped talking for awhile but would always go back to flirting and even talked dirty and sent pics and videos.she kept saying we would do stuff but didn’t want to be my first until it did happen she came over and ate me out but I didn’t reciprocate I had strong feelings and even told her I loved her but it ended badly this happened a year ago and I still can’t get over it y I’m not sure but we hate each other now

  35. chris

    What if i have a straight friend who has never been with a woman but she has flirted with me. She uses words as life partner. I am in love with her. I flirt back with her. She never stops me. Could she be attracted to me

  36. LoudLips

    I’ve been led on by so many women who claim to be straight. I agree with Sasha, even if they are just beginning to realize that they’re not so straight, it doesn’t give them an excuse to fuck with other people’s lives. When I first came out, I never flirted with any girls until I knew that I was ready to openly pursue them. Then when I came out I noticed that there were quite a few women with boyfriends and/or husbands who were openly flirting with me. These women all claimed to be straight, but their actions clearly indicated otherwise. In the end I fell in love with some of these women and when I told them how I felt, they got scared, stopped flirting and rejected me. I ended up getting my heart broken. The heart break I experienced was so intense I fell into a deep state of depression. I gained a lot of weight from emotional over eating, I felt hopeless and I even considered suicide. I never told these women how emotionally damaging their actions were towards me, but all their flirting and then running away really fucked with my head. That’s why I don’t think a woman should flirt with another woman unless they’re serious about pursuing her.

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