When it’s not you. It’s them … or at least their issues.
A few months ago I went out on a date with a woman who I met online. We hit it off right away via email and telephone conversations, but we all know how little that means until you meet each other face to face. Many would-be love affairs have fallen by the wayside the instant the two met in person only to find out that the necessary chemistry just wasn’t there.
Well that’s sort of what happened here, except anyone who knows me, knows that nothing is ever that easy with me. The first night I met this woman I was instantly taken with her. I mean, head over heels gone. Which hardly ever happens to me. But happen it did. The only problem was that once she saw me face to face there was an unexpected “issue”, one that neither one of us could have foreseen. She claimed that I reminded her of her niece! So much so she couldn’t even bring herself to hold my hand, little lone kiss me.
Suffice it to say our first date ended with me close to tears, out of frustration and rejection. It left her baffled, wondering how we could go from such an amazing connection on the phone to such dead air in person.
Most would have chalked it up to a bad date and never seen each other again. But why would I choose the easy way out? Nope, not me. Several months later and I’m still semi-seeing this woman. We’ve gone from trying to date, to sort of dating, to me crying at my car and breaking up with her, back to us being friends, than a super confusing, “Let’s not use any labels, if we sleep together once in a while we don’t need any strings attached” bull crap, back to me breaking up with her via instant messaging and telling her to leave all my stuff on the curb outside my house, to five minutes later making up and begging her to come see me after work. Ahhhhh!!!!! I know. Drama.
Everything seems to be going alright, if by alright you mean we don’t communicate very well, we have awesome sex once in a while, we’re not really dating but get jealous when we see other women leaving myspace comments on the other’s page. Then to top it all off, there’s this other girl.
Yep there’s this other girl that’s slowly and determinedly working her way into the picture. Which is totally legal by the non-rules we have going on with the no-label, no dating thing. Not to mention she rocks on so many levels.
But wait, before we get to the other girl …. Last night I asked the first woman, I call her Mr.. I asked Mr. if I still reminded her of her niece. To which she replied a short and curt, “Yep.” …. Ughhh, stabbed in the heart again. Since she has claimed this to be one of the reasons she keeps me at arms distance.
Then I ask, “Does it still bother you?”
Her immediate reply, “Yep, sometimes.” (Sometimes obviously being the times we are NOT intimate.)
As soon as she answered I felt the familiar punch to my gut I feel every time she mentions some reason why I’m not good enough or not the right type for her. Let me run down the list:
I remind her of her niece.
I’m too tall. (About an inch taller than her.)
I’m too young.
I live too far away. (9 miles, whatever.)
I’m not Hispanic.
I can’t tell you the countless times she’s thoughtlessly or maybe not so thoughtlessly brought those issues up, none of which I can change. All of which totally have to do with her perception of me.
So last night after I tried to cheer her up on the phone, right before going to bed, she once again reminded me of why I will never be right for her.
Right before I wrote this blog I got a text from the other girl. It started out with, “Hey beautiful ….” Something I never hear from Mr.. Something I don’t even think Mr. thinks about me.
It’s hard to want someone who doesn’t want you back or even worse, they want you to change.
It’s nice to be called beautiful and be appreciated for all the things you are and not judged on things you can’t change anyway.
The lesbian dating scene is hard enough without trying to navigate through someone else’s minefield of issues they have with you. So this other girl has Mr. to thank in some way, for constantly opening the door for her. Every time Mr. hurts my feelings I feel less and less like putting myself out there for her and more and more like putting myself out there for someone who actually thinks I’m pretty cool just the way I am.
Don’t get me wrong, I really care for Mr.. It’s just how many times can I take being rejected by the same person over and over again?
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wow…if “Mr.” has these issues, maybe she should have posted them on her myspace….like. “You must be ___inches tall, hispanic, live within a 5 mile radius of me, and not look like this [insert picture of niece]”
She’s missing her opportunities…I’d say go with the girl that thinks the world of you – unless, of course, you do not feel the same toward her.
Tough situation though…who knew you’d get your socks blown off by a woman with such stringent requirements? Hey, I’m picky…very picky…but this was going a little too far. Maybe she doesn’t want someone really getting to her, you know?
Dump Mr, asap. Why in the world would you subject yourself the that players game? It’s well known that many females are just out there to get the goodies and play all kinds of minds games to keep you busy wondering, while they are out there chillin with OTHER females! Hook up with the chica that is INTO you and forget that other chick! Life is way to short for that kind of BS!
Well, it’s obvious that this whole “you kinda sorta remind me of my niece” is a total cover-up because if it were true, she never would have been able to be intimate with you at all. Sounds like Mr. just isn’t on the same page as you.
So the question becomes, no how many times CAN you take being rejected, but rather, how many times SHOULD you take being rejected. And the answer to that is once. You gotta start taking care of your heart, babe, because it sounds like no one else is.
Hope everything smooths over and you find some peace and happiness. : ]
My concern is for the “other girl,” who deserves more than just the left over of your energitic days, or the fall of your smile. One must take chances and go out on a whim and let go and live a realistic, obtainable simple life. Otherwise, in the end you have only yourself to blame for misery loves company. I hope I havent offended you in anyway. Yet, the “other girl,” will not be there forever…..sometimes she might want to be the, “now girl,” if you give her the chance! All the best!
Dear Disbeautifulmess, you couldn’t be MORE right. The “other girl” does deserve so much more than that, and believe me, she gets it. She’s really an amazing woman and I would no longer consider her the “other girl”…. maybe I should just start calling her THE girl.
And this post connects back to the one you just posted about how you and Remi met……even back in the post rt above this one you saw a future for you and Remi “maybe I should …THE girl.” And the rest in history…..I love it. 🙂
And your “Tale of Two Toddlers” lead me straight back to this post where it all began. 🙂
I love how open and honest you are. We got to see the evolution of Remi and Sasha, when she went from being someone who kept popping up and making you take notice, to your beloved. Love it.
But man this is reminding me of a woman I dated awhile ago. She was great, but the things I need in a partner were opposite to her. She was very androgynous/butch in appearance (yum), but very femme in her behaviours and ways, and while there are many women who would love that, I realized that’s not what I want or need. I had to break it off, not because I didn’t like her (she was cute, had a great personality, and really liked me), but because to get what I need and want in a partner, I’d have to ask her to change in so many ways, and I can’t do that. That’s not fair. So I broke it off so I can find someone who IS that person – naturally and she can find someone who appreciates her. We’re all be happier that way and I don’t regret it.
Wish I had read this months and months earlier… I was in the not quite right for her but at other times wanted type of relationship, things would go back and forth seemingly at a whim. My insecurities spiraled and I was convinced that the problem was mine.
It took the whole hearted love and acceptance of someone else who came into my life and became my girlfriend to show me what a relationship should be like. So much happier and not a spec of the insecurity that I was told was my problem by the girl in my previous relationship.
I love this post- why I immediately remembered it and went back to it. It is very relatable to everyone. Sasha your honestly in all your posts past and present is heart warningly brave to me. And then from the recent comments you can tell that your writting shows others not to settle and to realize you/all of us are worth so much more- in the end ( the end of dating assholes but the true beginning) there sincerely is someone out there (this is where I do a disbelieving eye roll with a false air of belief and slight glimmer of faded hope-and continue bravely trying to believe what I’m about to type) who we will each meet that is absolutely perfect for us in every way. I struggle w believing this but every time I read this post with you ending your relationship w this jerky type of woman and then u choosing Remi over settling for not being treated as well as u deserve it gives me hope and happiness that one day….(And like we have discussed off CCL that i’ll be depending on u for advice on……but that’s another topic all together. 😉 hehe)
If all the nice people stop dating bitches all the bitches will only have each other left to be with. 🙂 Too bad/so sad! 🙂 Nice people unite!!!! 🙂
Hey ladies, I’m so glad this blog helps illuminate, a little bit, how others people’s fucked up mind set can make you think YOU’RE nuts, but you’re not. It really is them, sometimes. I just wish every woman would recognize it as soon as its happening to them. But its hard when you hold that other person up on a pedestal to see that they never belonged there to begin with.
It’s super weird to go back and read this. It takes me right back and I never would have thought, in a million years, that “that other girl” would end up being my wife one day!!!
The universe has wonderful things in store for everyone! We just have to learn how to get out of our own way sometimes and let it happen …..
“We just have to learn how to get out of our own way sometimes and let it happen …..”
Also, that in Universe time things are only the blink of an eye, where as to us it may seem like weeks and months have been amplified by sorrow. Hang in there!